Advice about Separation/Divorce please!
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| Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:24pm |
I just posted this to another message board and then realized that this was a 'surviving divorce' board too. If people reading this have been through divorce/separation, I'm thinking that maybe you can help also or with more ideas... Please read below:
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I have a question that I hope someone can help me with. I’ve never posted here before however I’ve read a lot of the posts while trying to figure out what I need to do for myself and kids.
Overall, my husband is very selfish, a wonderful father however he thinks that he does everything for me and I do nothing for him. He’s verbally/emotionally abusive (never physical) but I’m to the point where I know that it’s not good for the kids and he’s wearing me out. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. He’s not the kind of person you can talk to and settle problems. Whenever I have a problem with something he does, it’s always turned around to everything I do wrong.
I want to do counseling to better myself because he said he won’t go as I’m the one with all of the problems. I know that once I make my first appt. he’s going to cause all kinds of problems saying that we don’t have the money for the appt. or I shouldn’t waste gas money or he’ll ask why I think someone else can solve my problems if I can’t do it myself.
I’m just very overwhelmed but LOVE my kids like crazy!! They’re my life and make me so happy. I’ve just lost interest in my husband. Any physical, sexual or emotional attraction that I’ve had before in our 11 years of marriage is pretty much gone because of his anger which he would say he didn’t have a problem with.
My question to you after all of this (sorry so long) is if I do start thinking about leaving him (separation or divorce) what is a list of things that I’d need to think about before jumping into it? My husband is the kind that will do everything/anything to cause problems for me. I know he won’t make it easy for me.
I know that my kids and I can go stay with my mom but why can’t I make myself do it? I’m SO scared.
Thanks for any ideas or things that I need to think about before making my move. (which I think I’ll have to do while he’s not expecting it)

I read your post and felt compelled to respond. I left my emotionally abusive husband in July of 2005. I've been to couseling and support groups for survivors of domestic violence. Whether it's physical or emotional is irrelevant. They both have some of the same characterstics. Mine never layed a hand on me, but was an extreme case of Domestic Violence. I'm not an expert, but from what I have learned and through my experience I'll share some thoughts and knowledge with you.
First of all, the reason they abuse us is because the think that they are entitled. They think they are entitled to anything. And they always think they are right. Another thing, often times they are far less concerned with the kids than they are with controlling us and often times will use the kids to get to us. Just try to keep the kids safe from it. The less they hear for you or him, the better they will be emotionally.
Do some planning. It's great that you are seeking planning tools right now. Because, whether physical or emotional, the stakes get raised when he finds out you are going to leave him. You are the most risk ever when he knows you are leaving. Something I didn't realize. You may, and most people usually are, be in danger of losing your life. So be very careful. Seek a center for victims of domestic violence. Often times they will have information to share with you about keeping safe. But don't let that fear make you stay. Just plan, and be careful.
When I left I was in a position where I knew I had to or I would most likely die that night. I had told him a month before I was leaving that I would be leaving. I took my time packing mine and my sons belongings. BAD idea. It gave him alot of time to hink and he became very strange about it. But one night we had a fight about the divorce and he started thowing stuff around the house telling me all the things that I have done wrong in the marriage(NOT) and then he left. He had done this before I so I had timed it. EVERY single time he left he was gone for 2 1/2 minutes. See he wanted me to THINK he was leaving so that I would grovel and cry for him to stay. This time I grabbed a bag and filled it with two toothbrushes, my cosmetics and clothes for my son and I for 2 days. I stashed the bag in the garage where he wouldn't see it. Just as I closed the garage and walked down the hall he walked in the front door. 2 1/2 minutes! He went to bedroom, where he kept most of the guns and ammo. I grabbed my keys and my son and put him the car. I realized I had forgot my purse. I went back inside to get it and when I walked in the bedroom he was lying on the bed with a gun resting on his stomach. I grabbed it and literally ran out the door and left. And yes, it was a very stormy night. I went to my brother's. My husband didn't know where he lived, so it was safe. Make sure you go to a safe place at first.
This was not a good situation and could have been avoided had I known what I know now. Call your local shelter and get advice on leaving an abusive partner. It could save your life.
-DBC
I don't have a lot of advice because I 'm not divorced yet (YET), but I had to respond because you could have been discribing my own relationship with my husband! Thought it might help you to know that there are others out there in a similar situation. Only difference is that we've never had any children. I've been with mine 14 years and am at the end of my rope as well.
My only advice is to make sure you have access to some funds that he can't touch and prepare everything ahead of time (place to stay, money, job, lawyer, etc.) Make a list of how you want to seperate the assets and debts (lawyer will ask for that anyway) and how you want the custody split up. Anything you can go ahead and do will surely ease your mind. I've started to seperate our assets and debts prior to seeking the divorce like getting seperate credit cards, accounts, titles to the cars, etc. You may or may not be able to do this without tipping him off but if not it can be put in the divorce papers. Good luck!