advice please.....
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| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 3:19pm |
Hi guys,
You all have been so great with advice... I am having issues with my XH and I want to know if I am over reacting. I have been nothing but pleasant to him, but I want to yell and scream at him.... here's the situation.
He owes me 1500.00 in child support. This only goes back to the date of the divorce. He owes more, but I only have a "chance" in court to get what he owes since the divorce date. I have told him that I am willing to forget about that. ( I know I know ) I honestly just don't want to fight and if I ask him for extra money I get a fight. Even though he owes that money... he doesn't want to go to jail... so I gave him my word I wouldn't fight it in court.
He was supposed to take the children this weekend AND pay child support.
First email: he asks if he can pick up the kids Saturday morning instead of Friday night because he has to work until midnight. I say ok, no problem.
Second email: He won't have enough money to pay me child support. He wants to pay half of it because he wouldn't have enough money to pay his electric bill that would be shut off yesterday and he also owes 4K in taxes which he can't pay blah blah blah. So i say please reconsider, I needed the cash on hand because my SO just started a new job and won't get paid for another 3 weeks. He comes back with another email stating that if he gave me half the CS that it would leave him WITH NOTHING, yes he typed it in caps, then he said he can't have the kids this weekend because he has no money to buy food or go anywhere. So I say, ok, how about I send over all the food they will need, drinks, diapers and wipes. I would hate to see the kids suffer because dad doesn't have any money. Then he said... thanks but no thanks, it just isn't a good idea to have them this weekend. So I offered him to take them next weekend and the weekend after to make up for the time. That was the last contact.
I had told my 6 year old that he is going to daddy's saturday morning on friday morning. I don't normally tell him until the day of, but because I got confirmation I thought it would be fine. After my email convo with XH that didn't come into play so I had to tell my son last night that he wasn't going to daddy;s. Of course, he was upset.
My son also lost his first tooth yesterday and wanted to call daddy to tell him about it. I knew that daddy was working until midnight and that no one would be home. I figured it would be easier explaining that daddy wasn't home than telling my son that he couldn't call daddy.
Now, I have also learned that OW's father is living with them and is very sick. He has Cancer and up until yesterday I thought he was in the hospital. Well when my son called his fathers house as mentioned above, her father answered the phone. He sounded fine. My son told him about losing his tooth asked if his father was there and that was it. I knew XH would not be home, but like I said DS was upset about not being able to go to daddy's so I told him, when he asked, that he could call his father. Better to say that he wasn't home to get the call than NO YOU CANT CALL HIM.
HX was supposed to deposit money "first thing this morning" into my account, half of the CS he owes. I have been MORE than understanding about the money. Well noon came along and still no money. So I called his house, OW answered the phone and said that he was sleeping. I said, ok is there any chance on waking XH up ( i know, it just slipped out ) she said calmly that it just "wasn't a good time". So I said "ok, are you alright?" she said no, so I said ok, well just have him give me a call when he gets up. I told her that the only reason I wwas calling was because he was supposed to deposit money and he didn't. Then I thanked her and said bye. I was completely nice and pleasant, even though she was snotty and rude.
Well it's now 3pm and still no money. I called again and got XH, I suggested that I come and pick up the money, if that woudl be easier. He said no, actually my mom is going to drop it off. I said oh ok, then I said I will have a receipt ready. We hung up. Then I remembered that I forgot to ask how much to make out the receipt for. I called again and got OW. She was rude and nasty to me. I asked her if she could just ask XH how much to make out the receipt for and she did, rudely, and then she started yelling at me because my DS called there last night ( around 6pm ) She said YOU KNEW XH WAS WORKING.... I said yes I didn't expect anyone to answer and before I could explain she said MY DAD WAS HOME SICK ( after I had the impression from her that he was in the hospital and was not there ) HAVE A LITTLE COMMON COURTESY. Now that phone call had nothing bad in it that my DS made. I didn't even get on the phone. It had NOTHING to do with me. She yelled at me because my son called there to tell his father about the loose tooth after being told he couldn't go to his dads.
I am livid. I sent a "thinking of you at your time of need" card over there to that girl this week. I genuinely felt bad for her because her father was SO SICK and in the hospital only to find that he was home and sounding fine when my son ( not me ) called there.
I want to yell at her. I want to tell XH that I am TIRED of being the nice one only to get yelled at and disrespected by OW. I am telling you guys the gods honest truth that I am the NICEST EX wife he could ever have. I backed out of the back CS, I let him change plans, I even understand when he tells me there isn't enough money to give me....... WHY do I get treated like this by him and WHY does he let her constantly get on my case?
Any advice would be good. Am I overreacting?
Thanks,
Angelena


Your being nice, they don't return the favor and you keep being nice. It's generous of you to agree to take less support, wait and take it late, etc., etc. But nice doesn't have to include letting them walk all over you. You have to have 3 emails and several phone calls and create your own receipt just to get half of your support, late. That process is clearly not working. This is exactly why they allow child support to go through the state. Make him pay them, they pay you. He can't call them up and negotiate with them like he can with you, and he is taking advantage of you, so just take yourself out of it. If he doesn't pay them, they record the arrearages and he has to suffer the consequences that come with not paying, whatever those are. You still might not get it faster or more of it on time, but at least you won't have to feel like you have to generously agree to take less or wait because they are asking nicely.
I wouldn't worry about the OW. She is how she is and it is unfortuante for her that she is like that. Blow her off. Next time just say to her "So you want me to tell my son he can't call his dad's house and leave his dad a message when he otherwise can't reach him directly? Sorry, but you'll have to ask him tell his son that himself if that is a new rule dad has for his son to follow." (which will likely never happen, becuase it's not about your son and the message, it's about the OW taking an opportunity to yell at you, and if you didn't have to call about money so often, I'm thinking she'd have fewer opportunities).
If your ex asks why you are going through the state for cs, just say you are sick of being yelled at for calling his house, and if you can't call, then the state needs to be the one to take care of this for you.
When she starts that crap, I'd just hang up.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Agreed!
XH had his mother drop off some of the CS he owes for this week. I put together a receipt and put at the bottom exactly what you just said, only in the nicest way possible. Then I put that I understand completely that OW is under A LOT of stress and didn't mean to take it out on me. I also said my prayers are with her and her family at this difficult time.
I will NOT be the bad guy. Although, given the recent events I think it's time to go to court for garnishment. He is just unreliable as heck.
I knew when I said to her " can you just ask him...... " that it would be bad. Basically I felt bad for having to call back and figured that insted of bothering XH again I would just ask her to ask him. I knew though, I knew it would bite me in the butt.... oh well.
THe thing is, DS has not called XH since XMas time. He hasn't asked or anything. I
Well, if there ever is an emergency..... the monkey will be on HIS back for not keeping you updated.
LOL!... I know that my EX flew OFF the handle in the late fall when I sent him a certified letter to the address where he is living with his now-wife.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
So glad to hear everything went so well!
That is the third time today I have heard something about chinese food.... I am SO craving it!!! Darnit! hehehehe.
Take care hon, best wishes to Blake and you sister :)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~