Advice from those already thru divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Advice from those already thru divorce?
7
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 12:41am

I'll tell my story at another time, but right now, I need advice. I'm on the verge of obtaining a legal separation (in N.C.) and want to be sure that I've addressed all the important issues (regarding fiances). I've addressed alimony, child support, personal property, our cars, our home, marital bills, health insurance for DD (including co-pays and non-covered costs), help w/ a car for DD @ 16 (if I think she deserves it), college costs after graduation. Is there anything I'm forgetting? I'm trying not to use money as a way to "punish" STBX, but he earns SO much more than I do. I don't want to make a mistake and not ask for something that I am entitled to. I've got a DD that needs to be taken care of.

Thanks in advance for your advice,
Renee

Renee


Mom to


Miranda (14 yrs old, dancer for 11 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 8:38am

You need to be prepared to negiotiate. You "entitlement" is a purely legal issue, so stick to the legal issues.

Alimony -- is probably set based on a standard computation for your state. And, by the way, alimony shows up as income to you and is deductable to your stbx.

Child Support -- is probably set based on a standard computation for your state. Child support is not deductable.

Assets and debt -- is going to be split right down the middle, including retirement accounts.

Child health care -- will probably be computed based on who can get insurance for her, and then factored into the child support payment level. So, lets say only the stbx can get insurance, then this cost will be deducted from his child support payment. And the uncovered costs will probbaly be yours, or will be factored in as a deduction to his child support payment.

The car and Car insurance for dd -- good luck on this one. This is a "nice to have". Your stbx and his lawyer would have to be idiots to codify this.

College costs -- again, This is a "nice to have". Your stbx and his lawyer would have to be idiots to codify this. There will probably be language along the lines of the two of you will try to the best of your abilities.

When negotiating, remember that time translates directly into money both you and your stbx are spending on lawyers (and not dd). And the lawyers would like nothing more than to see you and your stbx endlessly agrue about college costs and the car. And when its all said and done, you and your stbx will have blown those monies on lawyers instead of your daughter.

My advice is to rigidly stick to the legal standards in your area. Give in immediately on the "nice to haves". Allow your stbx to expand alimony instead of child support, so he gets the tax break.

If the divorce goes fast, it will be cheaper. And in the long run, he won't carry a grudge regarding how much money was wasted on lawyers arguing about non-required support (so he moght actually have the money to give to your dd for college and a car).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:18am

Thanks for the advice. Actually, the things I've listed have already been agreed on. Yes, maybe the car would be a "nice to have", but college (if she'll go) is a necessity in this day and age. I'm just racking my brain to make sure I haven't "forgotten" something. After 15 years of marriage (17 years together), I never thought I'd have to plan to finish raising my DD alone. STBX cheated on me, is shacking up w/ the OW and now she is pregnant. He's shown that he'll throw over one family to start another. I need to be sure my DD is financially "looked after" and am terrified of not having it all legally documented.

Thanks again

Renee


Mom to


Miranda (14 yrs old, dancer for 11 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:18am

It sounds like you either have no lawyer, or you do not trust your lawyer. Both are bad.

Get council you trust. Checking p's and q's, and dotting i's and crossing t's are what they are supposed to do.

It sounds like, for better or worse, you will ultimately be responsible for your daughter's welfare. So you will want to position yourself to become independent as quickly as possible.

If your stbx attempts to fully abandon you and your daughter, he can and will. He may face financial and punative damages as a consequence. A "legal" documents only provide a mechanism to pursue remidies through the courts. They will not guarantee his performance. You cannot codify his behaviour.

As to the college thing -- I agree with you. But that's typically not the "law". My intent is that you focus on the things you can get with guidelines and precident. If you pursue support elements that are not normally ordered or prescribed by state law, such as college, you are in for long and costly challenge. And in the end, it is your daughter who loses.

As to STBX's behaviour -- yes it is reprehensible, but he's done nothing illegal. So the courts typically don't care.

Get what you can, as quickly as you can, and move on. Your stbx is heading down a bad path, and you do not want any part of it. So the more time you can put between his new life and yours, the better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 2:40pm
I do have a lawyer and one I trust. But given that I've got a tempest swirling around me, I don't want to miss a thing. Yes, I'm paying her to dot the i's and cross the t's. But it's my future and my daughters, not my lawyer's. I wouldn't have even thought of college if it wasn't suggested to me by a friend. With the drama that has become my life spinning out of kilter, it's not the best time to make life changing decisions. But to protect us, I must make these decision now, not later. We've agreed on just about everything. Frankly, it's my STBX that needs to get rid of his lawyer. He even admitted that everytime he goes to see the lawyer, the lawyer "tries to put stuff in his head" (that's a quote from STBX). My STBX is only focused on my aggreement to a monthly dollar amount. He's not bright enough to argue about the other stuff I'm asking for. Thanks again for your thoughts. I was just trying to pick the brains of those who have already gone before me.

Renee


Mom to


Miranda (14 yrs old, dancer for 11 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:12pm
Hi Renee.... what about retirement accounts and investments?

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:15pm
He's agreed to keep his hands off of my retirement. He's self employed and has no retirement. When he left, he didn't touch the money in the household checking or saving account and for that I'm grateful. Right now, his only concern is that I agree to the dollar amount he's proposed for alimony and child support. His first mistake (after cheating on me) was telling me that if I would just agree to that dollar amount, he'd give me EVERYTHING else I'm asking for.

Renee


Mom to


Miranda (14 yrs old, dancer for 11 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 4:23pm

That's great... but you'd better spell that out in your agreement.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~