aftermath of an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
aftermath of an affair
3
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 1:09pm
I have a question about how to handle it when your husband is leaving you for another women.He will be living with her.I know it's normal for me to have a lot of anger and yes hatred toward them both,but i need to know,do I have to let my daughters participate in their world?I will be getting sole physical custody,and he can visit whenever,but i think he just wants us out of his way.apparently my needing him to be a grown up and faithful was holding him back(i swear thats what he said),I am filing as quickly as possible and have family support and attorney advice.I don't want to be this angry bitter person,but the idea of this woman playing mommy to my girls is too much.am i being selfish?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:33pm
I understand how hard this is for you. I went through the same thing. One thing that you have to understand, despite your anger and hurt, is that he is their father. I understand you not wanting them around the kids. I felt the same way about my ex's little tramp too. But no matter how hard she may try (and she may not even WANT to try), she will NOT replace you as your children's mother. I went through all the same feelings that you are going through. One thing I realized is that my life was better without him in it, and he was doing me a favor by "letting me off the hook". In a strange way, she was doing me a favor also, because she took over the role of his mommy. She took over where I left off, and now he is her problem. You may find that you will absolutely thrive without him. Perhaps you were not holding him back, maybe it was the other way around!!?? You may find yourself again, and like your life without him! As far as the issue of not letting your kids around them. I think that is a mistake. For the kids' sake, they have to maintain as "normal" a relationship with you both as possible. We all get so caught up in what a divorce does to "us", sometimes we forget how bad it must suck for the kids. Don't let your anger and hurt cloud your judgement when it comes to the kids. The courts will frown on any parental alienation, whether deliberate or not. Don't go there. Just take things day by day; moment by moment if you have to. You will get through this alright. The happier you eventually become without him, the less angry you may find yourself to be regarding him! Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:41pm
Thank you very much for your advice.I am hurting so badly right now and feel like mylife has been ripped apart.we are still living together and to watch him stay out with her and treat me like I am nothing is really hard.I will do anything to make this better for my girls,I'm just really scared about the future.I know i am better off without him,but until I have my own place,my own money my own life i feel trapped in limbo.thank you again,it helps to not feel so alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 7:29pm

I understand how you feel. My ex was selfish and insensitive towards the end as well. Perhaps you could speak to him about him getting on with things and moving out. My ex moved in with his skag right away, so at least I didn't have to deal with him coming and going as he pleased. Your stbx is being very insensitive and needs to take your feelings into account. I personally feel if he is the one with a plan B and another woman on the side, then he needs to leave not you and the kids. After my ex left, I was stuck with the grueling task of selling our home, paying all the bills, and cleaning up after him. He walked away with his personal belongings and his car and a little money and wanted nothing else, so I accomodated him. I felt that was fair that I end up with most everything else including the kids, since I was the one who was the stable, responsible parent and he was the one who cheated and lied. Now that he is living with her, he is realizing that the grass isn't greener and has told me several times that he still loves me and regrets everyday how badly he treated me and the kids, and if he could "go back and change things" that he would have come with me to counseling and tried to work on things rather than taking the easy way out and jumping into a relationship that he really wasn't ready for. Rebound Rebound!! I could have told him that! Anyway, my point is is that they don't always know what they are doing or think things through very well. It's your husband's loss in the end. Try to be strong and make the transition into cutting the ties, which include him moving out. You may feel a self of relief and a sense of permanence. This may help you to continue through the divorce process and leave the marriage with a fresh start and a fair settlement. Good luck. Email me anytime for support. rlowenstein@bis.midco.net.

Take care.
Rhonda