Ahhhh, Im trying to be calm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Ahhhh, Im trying to be calm
17
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 3:22pm

Okay my sister called me a little while ago and she said get ready for this one. I said what happened and she said my son said "janel hit daddy" then he said "daddy was crying" then a little later again said "janel was crying" so she said what happened, janel was upset. He just said again "janel cry, dont cry janel".

Im trying, TRYING, not to be alarmed. Im BITING MY TONGUE so hard not to say anything. The arguing is bad enough but I for darn sure dont want them hitting and shoving each other in front of him. I was trying to be positive about allowing the extra time but I have to say Im really starting to feel some regret with what he's been talking about.

No one is prompting him to talk about this either. It must have been a big deal for him to remember this stuff and keep talking about it.

What would you do in a situation like this?

Help...............

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:05pm

I have not read all of the responses but let me ask you this:

If he came home talking about kids at school hitting eachother and crying would you be considering removing him from the school?? Or would you talk to him about how people are not supposed to be hitting eachother etc.

You ex sounds like an idiot, sorry to be so blunt but he does. He impregnates and leaves 2 women in one year?? He is not the cream of the crop for sure BUT you are going to have to deal with him for a long, long time to come. I am sure he is going to parade a long line of women in and out of your sons life. I am sure there will be constant drama where he is concerned.

I would talk to your son, tell him that if anyone ever hits him he is to tell you. I would mention it to your attorney but I would not discuss this with him. While there is the potential for this to be damaging to the kid lots of things could be dangerous. A judge would probably tell him to grow up and start acting right but that is about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 7:35pm

This IS a good group - and I have to say - I've liked reading your posts and 'watching' you get even stronger. I think you were likely a very strong person to begin with - so I believe you can get through this!

I think you got some excellent advice already, but I was wanting to post an encouraging note just because I've been working so hard on distancing myself from what is going on in my ex's life. My xh has been doing things since he got serious with his gf that have been really upsetting to my son - and I've let myself get dragged into battling with the ex about it. I've tried to talk to him about several issues on several occasions and rarely get anywhere on my concerns - or the ex will change for a little bit and then it's back to the 'same old, same old'.

I told my psych the other day - 'I've been knocking and knocking on that door even though I know it ain't gonna open. It's time I stop knocking.' He thought that was right on the money. Based on what he'd heard of my ex's personality, he said, "He just can't process what's going on and what affect it is having on your son. You're going to have to be the rock for your son."

What I know now is that I can't control what goes on in my ex's house, I can't control how he spends his time with our ds, I can't control so many things that happen that end up having an impact on my son or hurting him in some way. I really can't get involved in any of it unless my ds is endangered by what is going on.

But I can be a rock for my ds. Just like you can be a rock for your little guy! I try to make my home a 'safe' one where it is OK to be yourself and to know you are loved unconditionally. I try to keep the lines of communication open. I try to talk to him about ways people can appropriately deal with conflict, etc. So far, my ds has apparently been pretty open and talkative about what he experiences when he is away with me, and I just love it that he is willing to talk to me about so many things! I think it helps kids to open up to us if they know we are going to remain calm and take the time to listen and talk with them. Yes, sometimes I do have to bite my tongue - but I'd rather hear about all of what is on my son's mind than have him start 'editing' it so I don't get upset.

Anyway - please know that I am pulling for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:26am

Awww, poor baby!!!


Like another poster said, no matter how hard you try you won't be able to do anything about what he's doing in his home during his time with your son as long as nothing illegal is going on. I know how hard that is to hear! You want to do the best for your son, you want for him to be happy and comfortable. However, that doesn't always happen. No matter how hard you try to protect him, he is going to be exposed to things you wish he wasn't. But, in reality, it is actually a good thing that kids are sometimes exposed to things (not that it should be done intentionally!!!) and that they feel hurt and pain. It helps them develop coping skills that they will need as they get older. Not only that, but this gives an opportunity to start building a very trusting relationship with your son were he will be more likely to talk to you about things in his life. Yes, it does suck that your sweet DS is exposed to adult fighting. However, do not forget that his father and the gf are not his only influences. YOU ARE ONE TOO!!!! Not only that, but it seems you are a GOOD influence on him. My oldest is only 4yo and he already knows that his father's behaviors are inappropriate. I know you are worried about him thinking that this is the way that he will think women should be treated. Not exactly. Again, he has you to look at and the relationships you may be in during his life. He'll see you not tolerating any man treating you with disrespect and will most likely be the first to jump to your defense. Your DS will form his own opinion of that jacka$$ ex of yours and it'll happen at a much younger age than you would expect. Please don't think that I'm being harsh, but, you've gotta accept that there is NOTHING you can do to control the environment your DS is in while he's at his father's home (unless there is abuse, neglect, or illegal activities). Sadly, I doubt your ex even realizes that this fight had any affect on your son. This is the same man that abandoned your son for several months just b/c he was mad at you, so, while it does seem he is trying to do a bit better, your DS's best interest isn't always at the top of his list. However, you can't change this!! Believe me, I've tried! I've cried and cried, spent countless hours talking with STBX, trying to make him see what he was doing to his sons and begging him to put them first in his life. Then, my therapist reminded me of Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. How do these attempts at changing how your ex behaves around your son turned out in the past? It's not going to change, so stop driving yourself insane.


Now, this isn't to say that you shouldn't express any concern at all about what your son said. You are perfectly in the right to casually ask him about it. And who cares if he thinks you are wanting him back? You know the truth, that you're way too damn good for his sorry a$$. And most guys are convinced that all of their ex's are sitting at home each night hoping that he will call them. Really, is it going to hurt anything if he thinks that? I don't see how. I think the issue here of your concern for your son and being non-accusatory (b/c he's PSYCHO defensive about any little thing you say) far outweighs what he might think if you simply ask if he's okay. In fact, it is things like this (i.e. killing him with kindness) that will help you two have a calm relationship. You've done so well about not fighting with him so don't stoop to his level now. I think that Lucky's suggested email is a great way to broach the subject. Hey, if he does think that you are all about HIM he may even be likely to spill his guts to you about what happened which would be a perfect opportunity to ask him to put those arguments off until your son is gone b/c it is stressing your son out.


Don't worry hun, your ex won't warp your son! That sweet little guy has YOU as a shining example for him to follow!!!!


I hope that I haven't said anything hurtful b/c that certainly is not my intention. I just want YOU to avoid more pain and frustration. DS needs a happy mom so make that your focus!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 8:48am
Is your son in counseling? If so I think this is something you should discuss with his counselor and you should urge him to tell his counselor so that his counselor can explain to him the dynamics of adult relationships etc. Also maybe the counselor can explain to you a diplomatic way to approach it with your exhusband. Also if there is a mediator between you and your ex that can approach the subject with him I don't know, could it possibly be something your son has made up?? I'm not saying he is, but sometimes kids make things up when they are upset during the divorce process and they are stressed and need attention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:31am
In the grande scheme of life who cares if he thinks she's still pining right?? I mean really my ex husband probably thinks I still love him and cry every night over him, he'd be sadly mistaken but really if he wants to believe it, let him think it I couldn't care less.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:39am
Now.... I don't care.... BUT, when I was in the throes of my divorce, trying to get things settled.... quickly... and peacefully... I spent a lot of time walking on eggshells second guessing what I should or shouldn't do in relation to what effect it would have on him, and yes.... it paid off for me!... so, I think that there are times when it's to your advantage to care.... but that's just my opinion and what works for me.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 10:16am
In the throes of my divorce I did too and thats why going to counseling worked so well to realize it just doesn't matter in the grande scheme of things. They are going to think whatever they want anyhow so what I needed to do is worry about me and what I could control and let him think whatever he wanted and not walk on eggshells. It always seemed like I was trying to make him think I was "okay" and even though I was okay, it always was like you overcompensate to make them KNOW you are okay that it makes it worse because they think you are still pining that when I stopped worrying about what he thought and just figured, eh he'll think what he thinks anyways I realized, it caused me a lot less stress too. The knot in my stomach seemed to dissapate. I remember this one time I was at the counseling appointment talking to her about my fear of bumping into someone at the mall that my ex might know and that he would report back to my ex that I as at the mall alone and that I was a loser. It was totally irrational of course and she said well if you see someone at the mall without a guy do you think they are a loser, and I was like "NO of course not" and she said well than why would you be a loser and so what if he reported back to your exhusband that he saw you at the mall, how does this effect you? and than I realized it really doesn't. It took me a lot of counseling to realize me stressing about what my ex THINKS just doesn't matter. I was just trying to let her know that stressing effects you in such a negative way that to try to let that go, try to not worry about him thinking you are pining over you. If it would get him to stop fighting in front of the son I would be THRILLED.

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