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| Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:07pm |
Hello everyone,
I need some advise here. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have two children both from previous marriages. During the six years we have done alot of drinking together and have verbally abused each other and just recently I lost complete control. I became violent both physically and verbally with everyone in the house. I am now separated from him. I know that was very bad on my part. He said that I need therepy and I also need to loose weight. He has been acting strange from some time before this.
Trying to look younger, not wearing his wedding ring, him and I were not having intercourse. When we drink he knows what buttons to push to set me off and I feel that he wanted out and said something while we where drinking that set me off. I had told him that I wanted a divorce and he said that is not what he wanted and to rethink my decision. I moved back to VA and he is in SC. We don't talk much on the phone and when we do it's real quick. He said that I need to spend some time by myself getting the help that I need and to also loose weight and If I can prove to him that I can do this, maybe our marriage will be saved. I'm thinking buddy I don't have anything to proved to you only to myself. He had already told me that he will not quit drinking and he is not the one who has to change. I have gone to his house where I lived at and all of the pictures of us are down. If we are separated why would the pictures be down? He told me not to take all my stuff yet. I really feel that he is wanting me out of the picture so that he can have his free time and run after the women that he wants. I feel after what I've done how can this marriage be saved? Is he really leading me on.....Has any one gone through something like this? Any advise would be appriciated.

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Have you joined AA or something like it? All I can say is Let go and let God. I hope you will find the peace you are looking for.
Lifegoeson,
Hello and welcome to our board. We hope you find this a supportive place and one where you can vent and get information.
After reading your post I have the following observations and suggestions. I hope you find them helpful and objective. Only you can make choices about your life and what's best for you. So here's my offering of advice and encouragement.
First, your husband falls into a classic category of unhappy spouse. Basically he believes HE'S not the problem and YOU are. Wrong! There are TWO people in every marriage. Two people are each responsible for the state of the marriage and there's no "fixing" one person to make it all better. What your husband is doing is refusing to take any responsibility for the condition of your marriage. He's expecting you to do all the changing and that's not only unrealistic, it's unfair.
That said, I do encourage you to seek counseling for both your alcohol use and your relationship issues. Please visit the Alcoholics Anonomyous website to find a meeting near you: www.alcoholics-anonymous.org. This is a fine organization and can provide you with information, support, and assistance in dealing with your drinking. Of course, you have to want to stop drinking and that's your decision. I do hope you'll view this as an opportunity to help yourself and not just your marriage.
Second, I encourage you to find a personal counselor who can help you sort out the issues you have raised about your marriage. Check your yellow pages for a local mental health clinic. Very often you can find low cost counseling at these facilities or support groups where you can connect with others who are separated and divorced.
Separation can provide you with objectivity and give you some breathing space when a marriage is in turmoil. Use this time to focus on yourself, make decisions about your own choices, and find others who can help you find the tools you need to cope with your husband. The bottom line is this: we can change ourselves but we can't change anyone else.
Best wishes and let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Cl-wisdonwtooth2020,
Thank you for replying.
I've started attending AA meetings and have found them very supportive. I feel I'm not alone. I have also decided to attend domestic violence meetings and have found this group to be very supportive as well. Since, I have been attending these meetings I feel so much better about myself. I want to better myself for me and for my future. Since, he said that he will not quit drinking or make any changes, I will have to make a decision about our future together. Marriage is work and it takes both people to work on it. There are times that I feel very insecure as if maybe he found someone else and I start getting depressed again, ( my insecurities get's the best of me at times) but my being around people and attending these meetings, I have already become a much better person for me. Tomorrow, I will see him to get some more of my stuff and as far as he thinks, I will be spending the night there (of course separate beds) but little does he know I already booked a hotel to stay at. I want to be the one in control and not him anymore.
I'll keep in touch and thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it.
Life
a topic that is near and dear to my heart: booze.
i left my stbx of 20 years in january because he is an alcoholic. we lost everything: our home, our finances, our family. i pulled the plug on the marriage primarily of the drinking and because i lost all respect for him.
having said that, in order for a marriage to be successful, it will take two committed individuals. so while my stbx was drunk, i found myself in a full blown affair with, yep you guessed it, another alcoholic. my a ended in february, one month after i left my stbx.
my recommendation to you is this:
1. AA. do it.
2. Al-anon for the kids
3. marriage counseling if you want to save the marriage.
i suggested all of this to my stbx, he told me NO.
i struggled with this decision, but i left and i am better off without him and his lover: booze.
good luck.
what
It so sad that we had to end like this. It just goes to show that we do not have a strong marriage. I asked him who should be the one to file him or I and he said I don't know. Some people has told me to give it some time before I file, since it sounds like he is confused still, but I'm unsure, because part of me, just wants to move on and I don't want him to think I will wait around for him. What are you thoughts on this? Should I wait or just go ahead and file? Btw, he had just came back from the bar when we had this conversation, so of course he was drinking again.
Edited 6/27/2007 9:10 pm ET by lifegoesonforme
Hello Whatabadidea,
Right now, I'm feeling very guilty of what happened and I want to know if a marriage can survive something like this. I'm working on my end to help me and of course with him telling me that it was my fault and that I need therepy. I have seen him on occasion to pick up my stuff, and was worried that he would have take down our pictures and have decided to move on, but the pictures are still up. In one phone conversation, I had with him, I told him that I cannot see myself with noone else but him and before the conversation ended, I said hey and he said what, do you love me and I said yes that I love you and he said that he knows that I love him and that he loves me to. Then in another conversation of course he was drinking, he said that it is a possibility things can work out and then during the same conversation he said that he does not think he can work out and that we should get a divorce. I had told him that is not what I want and that marriage is work and I have supported him through some tuff times, then I ended the conversation that if that's what you want then ok, but it's ot what I want. So we hung up.
Then the next morning, I call and told him that I will not be able to pick my stuff up right now and he said don't worry, it's not going nowhere and then I told him that we are rushing to make a quick decision and that we should take some time to think about it and he said ok let me think about it, that is why we are separated. We both are confused right now and I'm tired of feeling the quilt trap the he has put on me and telling me that I need to change for me and my future. I need to know how I can make this marriage work again. Should I avoid calling him, because we seem to make excuses to contact each other. Do you think that if I leave him alone, he will start missing me and will look at the good times with hopes that we could get pass this. Do you know of anyone that has separated because of alcohol and have gotten back together to make the marriage work?
life
just a few thoughts for you:
if you both drink excessively, then you need to stop. or at least cut back. if you believe either one of you is an alcoholic, then you need some sort of intervention.
i believe that it isn't anyones fault when a person is an alcoholic. its an illness, one that requires help. it cannot be fixed at home with a bandaid. i grew up with an alcoholic father, and my stbx's parents were both alcoholics, and at times, violent toward each other. this does nothing for the children in the household except teach them how to become alcoholics. so you must find a way to make it stop for the kids.
is your marriage worth saving? if so, then it will take hard work, from both of you. i left my h because he could not hold a job and support the family. i was under a timeframe, my home was to be sold at foreclosure, and i had to make a move for my kids. i left him and i will never go back. this isn't necessarily the right choice for everyone, it is for me.
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you cannot make it work on your own. he must committ as well as you then move forward. make sense??
Excessive alcohol and marriage don't work. His first lover will always be the alcohol. And trust me, you can live without him. It is scary, but definitely worth it. I am living proof.
Hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Laura
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