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| Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:07pm |
Hello everyone,
I need some advise here. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have two children both from previous marriages. During the six years we have done alot of drinking together and have verbally abused each other and just recently I lost complete control. I became violent both physically and verbally with everyone in the house. I am now separated from him. I know that was very bad on my part. He said that I need therepy and I also need to loose weight. He has been acting strange from some time before this.
Trying to look younger, not wearing his wedding ring, him and I were not having intercourse. When we drink he knows what buttons to push to set me off and I feel that he wanted out and said something while we where drinking that set me off. I had told him that I wanted a divorce and he said that is not what he wanted and to rethink my decision. I moved back to VA and he is in SC. We don't talk much on the phone and when we do it's real quick. He said that I need to spend some time by myself getting the help that I need and to also loose weight and If I can prove to him that I can do this, maybe our marriage will be saved. I'm thinking buddy I don't have anything to proved to you only to myself. He had already told me that he will not quit drinking and he is not the one who has to change. I have gone to his house where I lived at and all of the pictures of us are down. If we are separated why would the pictures be down? He told me not to take all my stuff yet. I really feel that he is wanting me out of the picture so that he can have his free time and run after the women that he wants. I feel after what I've done how can this marriage be saved? Is he really leading me on.....Has any one gone through something like this? Any advise would be appriciated.

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We are separated and it is hard. I want my marriage to work but on the other hand, I feel that I can not trust him. I believe that if your spouse is acting crazy while under the influence, you should try and help control the situation, but instead he really has made me look like a fool. He has told me that he will not quit drinking and that maybe the marriage can work if I get the help that I need and of course if I loose weight, etc...I'm the one that will need to change and he does not, since he does not have a problem. I don't see how the marriage can work if two people don't not work together to try and solve the problem. Do people like this ever look back when there partner is out of the picture and realize what mistakes they made or do they continue to blame others for there problem, do they miss the person when their gone because they cannot control the situation any longer? What are your thoughts?
Hi there,
I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years; I do not drink at all. For most of those years, I thought it was MY responsibility to keep him from making a fool out of our family... that it was my duty to keep him from drinking. Through counseling, I learned that way of thinking is called co-dependence.
You are not responsible for your H's decisions-- if he chooses to drink, that is his choice, if he chooses not to drink, that's his choice as well. If you choose to drink, or not to drink, that is your choice. Try not to beat yourself up over decisions you made while under the influence... or not-- you did what you had to do to survive.
My X ALWAYS blamed me and the kids for his drinking-- even though he drank BEFORE I even met him. X STILL continues to blame us for all his problems. They know what keywords to say to make you stay out of guilt-- they are master manipulators.
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You never had control over the situation in the first place. I do not say this to be mean, I say this because it is just something that you can't control-- someone else's behavior. ALCOHOL has control, and until THAT element is removed, then the relationship is toxic, and clouded.
I think we can get pushed into these roles that alcoholism dictates-- one person in the family usually is the "rescuer", another is the "rescuee", another is the "mascot", etc. I thought that if I tried to show my X that we were a good family-- then he wouldn't blame us, and he would WANT to stop drinking for us. I wasted 18 years of my life trying to do this, until I realized that he was never going to change, get better, whatever you want to call it. I saw that there was a pattern to his drinking-- he'd be "dry" for a short while to appease us, then when he lulled us into complacency and we thought he was "sober", he'd start drinking secretly. When we found this out, he'd blame us, start drinking openly, then the dry part would start, so he would get us off his back. He ridiculed me for trying to save our family-- he said that I didn't want him to have any "fun" because I wanted him to stop drinking-- did he think it was fun for us to endure his beer-fueled hissy fits, emotional abuse and embarrassing behavior?
I was 37, and did NOT want to be 70 years old like my MIL, and live in fear, walking on eggshells because my husband of 50 years was an alcoholic who blamed me for everything. That is when I decided ENOUGH-- the alcoholism was NOT going to get better, and now that he's been out of the house for 2 years, and it has been the BEST decision I made in 20 years. My house is no longer filled with stress from X's meltdowns; there is no screaming or walking on eggshells, wondering what he was going to be like when he came home... my house is peaceful, and my children have blossomed. Even my cat was transformed from a freaked out mess to a loving animal. Do you have pets? How do they behave when you H is around?
My X still drinks, and still will not admit he has a problem. Even after losing his wife and kids, his home... he found someone who will tolerate his drinking (an immature sleazebag), and her kids. It was easier for him to replace his old family with a new one than it was for him to actually do the work to get sober.
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