All the signs point the same way...separation...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2011
All the signs point the same way...separation...
5
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 1:44am

Hi...I'm kind of new here.  Posted over 12 years ago on this site when I first got married...and well....I'm back again.  This time I need gentle advice.  hew now have 3 children...the oldest is 11 and the youngest is almost 8.  I'm in a dead marriage ...I knew this wasn't a good place but I thought that it would get better and we can make a marriage work...but that is not the case. I don't know how to divorce with 3 children.  

Im hoping to write more on this board to let you know more about what's going on...but I think that's just going to be a way for me validating that I'm making the right decision....but in reality I know that I am miserable in this marriage and I have turned into someone I can't recognize any more.  I'm so sad all the time...the joy has just been sucked out of my soul.  

i gave a letter to my husband last week asking for a separation...at first I thought he was blind sided but I think he knows that's how I feel..unfortunately he's not doing much to make me feel like we belong together.

what questions should I be asking myself? How can I support myself with less than $36000 a year? 

Especially, what do I do if I want to separate and he doesn't.  Please help.  Through this board I hope to gather the courage to leave him.  I just don't want to destroy my kids in the process.

thanks 

Priti

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2013
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 1:56pm
I'm new here and I'm not sure how much advice I can give. I have been researching and scouring the internet about all of this. I did go see a counselor for a few session and yes she did help. I just made a move 4 hours away back to my original town and will probably seek out counseling after I go back to work next week. If you are not happy do not wait any longer. Are you the primary care giver or is it 50/50? If you are, ask him to move out. Also, I'm not sure where you live, but I have not found any attorney's around here that do free consultation. The only ones that do are mediators (not attorneys) and they charge $300 - $500 for the consultation.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 02-11-2013 - 2:00pm

  Be very careful and get legal,tax and accounting advice.  What is your job or is it a career?  Do you want to stay in the same town or move or have the option of moving.  The reason I mention this is the the divorce laws have changed.  In many states it is "in the best interest of the child" theory being practiced.  So you may find yourself stuck geographically.  Why?  Because in this theory the child's relationship with the noncustodial parent is of importance. Beware of these landmines!  Research,research, research when you have made up your mind then act.  It is important to see this as dispassionately as possible.  What about your retirement?  What have you been saving and investing? 

    It is important to project into the future.  If you are not making enough money now then what new job/career would?  What arrangements would result in a win-win financially?  The world is changing faster each day.  The way it was in the past is not the way it is now.  Laws change.  Cultural paradigms change.  You have to be a wave rider.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 12:48pm
So your looking at supporting yourself and 3 kids on $3,000 a month. For me that would be doable because where I live now the cost of living is fairly reasonable compared to other areas I've lived in, but then again it depends on where you live and the cost of living in your area and what you want. Are you planning on buying a house or renting? That makes a difference too. For example, my SIL pays 900.00 a month to rent a 3 bed apt where she lives, and we have a 4bed, 2400 sq. ft house and pay less for our house payment than she pays for rent. So you have to figure in the cost of living in before you can decide if it's doable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 10:19am

First off dont guess what you would be getting or the outcome.. Go see a lawyer for a free consultation and see what your rights are and what you would be entitled to as far as alimony, child support and assets.. You are just getting knowledge and finding out not actually divorcing or separating..

You could live on 36,000 if you had to .. Women have lived on much less but that might mean revamping your whole lifestyle and making that doable..

I would also suggest getting some counseling.. Sep. and divorce is tough and you need to be strong and be there for yourself and your kids.. It could get tough and ugly and lonely and if you dont have a support system of friends and family and other means you might  not have the strength to go through with what you want.

Start a budget also and see what you can do without and see if you could live on that kind of money.. You will also have to see the laws in your state as far as assets and they get split depending on those laws..

Go to library and get some books on sep. and divorce and how to handle it and parent children while going through this.. These days there is alot of help out there so start finding it for yourself and your kids...

If you decide against sep. and divorce find a way to stay cordial and make a life for yourself .. Get some friends and see them when you can and practice self care like reading, taking salt baths and exercising and eating right.. That alone will make a world of difference..

You could always go to marriage counseling also if your hubby would go atleast to learn how to coparent..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 9:16am

Is the $36,000 your income, or what you're expecting in child support?  If it's your personal income, bear in mind that your husband will be contributing to the support of his children, and the sum shouldn't be negligible.  If it's what you're expecting from child support, start job-hunting, because you will now have to make a financial contribution to raising your children.  In either case, you might want to consider asking for financial support for additional training that will enable you to earn at a higher level.