alone on my b-day
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| Sat, 09-16-2006 - 10:25pm |
Hey guys it has been awhile since I posted b/c my stbx hacked into my computer and read my post. He has since moved out of the county and does not have a computer. (I have been lurking everyday though.)
Today is my b-day and it has been very hard. He called today not to acknowledge my b-day but to see who was watching the kids since I was working. Since I am not close with my parents he always made my b-day special, so today has been really hard.
I know that getting out of the marriage, even though he is the one that left is the best for the kids, and I, but at times I feel like I will never move on with my life. I am the one who has done the emotional work of examing my role in the breakup and how not to repeat it. He has done nothing and his parents have bought him his own house and he has a girlfriend. It's like his life never skiped a beat. Meanwhile I have full time responsibility of 3 kids, a full time job, and all of the work that goes with maintaining the house. He has his friends and family and I am isolated b/c I lost all of my friends.
Ugh, I am so made some days. I hate it. When is it going to be my turn?!

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Amie
So - HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Enjoy it and realize that better days are ahead for all of us! :) much love.
beachgirl2006...
First..Pianoguy would like to wish you "a happy belated birthday!"
If it's any consolation to you...PG spent his last birthday (which occurred in July) alone as well? My border collie (Wimpy) was there for support, but she'll never be able to put together a birthday cake for me! However, EATING A CAKE made by someone else will never be a problem for her!
Going through a divorce and trying to celebrate special events is the same as trying to successfully mix 'oil and water!' IT CAN'T BE DONE!
What you can try to do is align yourself with your children, your friends and if you can free yourself for a few hours (through the courtesy of a neighbor or babysitter)...GO PAMPER YOURSELF A LITTLE! You don't have to go on a "crazy shopping spree", but purchase something that you've had your eye on. It'll take a little of the pain away.
As for your "when is it going to be my turn" question, I think a lot of men and women who visit this board ASK THEMSELVES THE SAME QUESTION? Sadly, there's no magic formula for love or romance. When the romantic flower is ready to blossom for you...IT WILL!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
I hope you took the time to do something just for you.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
best wishes for a happy birthday. remember - you are NOT ALONE. you have your friends, you have your 'self', your family.
One of the things i learnt (albeit late in life, but nevertheless...) ---- its up to US to do things for US. yes, its nice when our loved ones celebrate our birthdays, but when they don't ---- it doesn't mean that we have to sit back and be sad. to be honest ---- even when i was MARRIED to my second husband/ex, i had to do alot of my own birthdays. it wasn't like he didn't know what a b-day was; he was perfectly happy, and surprised, and grateful, when we made HIM a birthday party, but he could never do it for me. so --- i would make my own, buy my own gifts, etc, for holidays as well.
take yourself out - go to a movie, or rent a movie, get a take out meal - something that you love, or go out to eat, book a facial or a haircut ----- whatever, just do something nice for yourself.
Hi beachgirl
Happy birthday. I can relate to where you said "Its like he never skipped a beat". I too feel the same way. I was M for 26years, my X,*yes it feels good saying X ,D is
this is great advice. first, i sincerely feel for you (after 26 years of marriage) to have to *experience* your EX move on so seamlessly, well, seemingly seamlessly, with his life is painful at times, and feels unfair--believe me, i know. although not 26 years, 14 years feels just as excruiating--to have to witness his "smugness", his endless quality time, attention, money, trips with skank GF (but seldom would do that with me even if i would plan engagements) and comparisons to my STBX's skank GF--how he hasn't been this "happy" in all his life, how he can't wait to divorce me to spend the rest of his life with "her." he's already "sold" her on the life she'll share with him, minus the "real" aspects of spontaneous, selfish decisions that'll sure to land them in debt, diminished quality time, loss of a significant other to golf, alcoholism, friends' opinions, self-employment, etc.
so, it may be fact that we are struggling financially, many of us, but our ex or STBX spouses, many, will eventually struggle emotionally. because i truly believe that it is impossible to be blissfully happy and content in another relationship when you have not resolved your former relationship, a relationship that was signficant enough to be in the confines of marriage, with children, memories, support, etc. to walk away from that, coupled with anger and a desire for a "warm place to put it," oftentimes, these "GFs" or "OW" are just temporary relief to internal pain and feelings of regret, failure, betrayal Ex's feel due to infidelity, abandonment of children and so on, but try to mask as a "macho" defense mechanism. so, try to understand where "see, you didn't want me, someone else *better* loves me, wants me, and we're going to be really happy in our new home, new life" blah, blah, blah ... yet, sooner or later, everyone has to face their conscience, which is devoid of "selective memory"; in fact, when karma's involved, it's often brutal.
my STBX showed up at my door, drunk, 3 weeks ago at 4:30 in the morning, despite telling me consistently how happy, in love, carefree, and blissful with his skank GF ... but the conscience tells a different story--you really can't abandon your children, treat your STBX wife like crap and go on to HAPPY land!
your day, our day will come because we choose to use this time to heal. although days and nights may feel lonely, especially holidays and special occasions such as your birthday, what also comes with this alone time is great reflection and focus on OUR future as evolving individuals who have emerged from these broken marriages--scarred, scared, lonely, angry, frustrated, disappointed, betrayed BUT also we emerge as determined, consistent creatures with the resolve to make our life better than we found it with our Ex's. so, challenge is not always a bad thing, in dark days, it often brings about great clarity and inspiration.
again, beachgirl, your day will come, it's only a matter of time ... a matter of time for us all who continue to employ our character, conscience, and courage to get us through these wavering times, despite the odds.
try, i KNOW it's hard, to not compare yourself to your Ex's life--don't give him that power, you'll need it for your bold new future ahead ...
hugs!
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