Am I being fair to myself? (very long)
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| Wed, 08-23-2006 - 12:18pm |
Hello all. I'm Missy, a 31 year old Mom with a DS (6), DD (3.5) and am 25w pg with a DD. I'm in the Navy (11 years next month) and I've been married for 7 years. (there are 4 paragraphs of background before I get to the real question) He was also in the Navy when we married but he got out in Apr 2001. He went to school for a few months, then stayed home with DS for a year during which we transferred to England. When DD was born he was totally unable to handle it all, she was barely getting adequate care for the 3 weeks from when I went back to work (took 3 weeks regular leave after the 6 weeks maternity leave the Navy gives me) until we could get her and DS into daycare. Then, he proceeded to do absolutely nothing for 9 months. He wouldn't go to counseling, look into meds for depression, clean the house, care for DD when I got home from work, he'd even make excuses for why he couldn't drive the kids to daycare or pick them up, wouldn't look for a job, nothing. I did everything I could to try to make him happy, sinking into debt so he could have a substantial "allowance", etc.
In Jan 04, when DD was 13 months, he went back to the states to go to school. I asked him for a divorce when he left, but he begged me not to, promising to change, to be more active with DD when he got back, took the blame for DS potty training problems and acknowledged he had been very lazy and immature. I agreed to keep him. When the semester ended in May, he came back and stayed with us until we got transferred back to VA early, in Aug. He stayed home with the kids until Jan, when he found a school he really wanted to go to, to get his aircraft mechanic license. He told me all about how this is what he had wanted to do when he joined the Navy, but his hearing was too bad, so he took a different job in electronics. The school was very expensive, $30k for 18 months, and we took out a non federal student loan (he also had $4k in stafford loans from his semester at college in 2004). He's used his GI Bill to pay for his first stint in college in 2001 (8 months), and for his living expenses in 2004 (5 months). We've been using his GI Bill to pay for part of living expenses and the kids daycare, and putting any pell grant payments towards the credit cards. I'm a huge pushover, and in January he wanted to trade his car in for a truck, so he could carry around his tools. I said we could swing the additional payment only if he got a job (his school was only 730-2, Mon-Thur and required no studying outside of school time). That went the way of every job he was supposed to get and of course he didn't. Of course, I never got him to sign an agreement or anything.
We had agreed in July of 2005 that we could try for another baby in Mar/Apr 2006, since he was scheduled to graduate in Aug 2006 and should be well settled in by the time the baby would come. I'd been off hormonal birth control since Nov because it was messing with my hormones (I started lactating). So, I'm not quite sure how it was a surprise to him when we got pg in March, but he turned into a complete jerk. He told me that the best thing to do would be to get an abortion (I personally would never get an abortion unless the baby was completely unviable and he knows it, plus he knows how devastated I was when we had a m/c just before getting pg with DD). We were in the middle of moving to base housing (much better school for DS) and he make me move really heavy stuff "maybe this will take care of the problem." He regressed to about 14yo, if that. After 3 months of his being an idiot about the pg, I told him in May that if he wouldn't agree to counseling then we would have to separate then. We finally got a slot at the end of June (the Navy provides counseling at no charge, but it ain't speedy to get into), we went to 3 sessions and he paid great lip service. Things seemed to be getting better, but he seemed to use things from counseling as ammo to make things worse. Instead of following the guidelines for a disagreement, he'd just walk away, or worse follow me around to make sure he got his last word in. He'd never resorted to name calling before (well, except calling me a liar anytime I was mistaken about something), but earlier this month, we had an argument about something relatively silly (a show I was recording on the DVR that got stopped 7 minutes into the show, I'd previously recorded this show several months before, but he'd deleted it because I didn't watch it fast enough for him and he felt I was taking up too much room on the DVR--4 hours on a 20 hour DVR). I asked him what happened and told him I thought he'd stopped it (I don't think he did it on purpose, he probably was just not paying attention and wanted to swap channels to something for the kids and he was recording a show at the same time, so it stops one recording, which happened to be mine). He completely flew off the handle and said I was calling him a liar when he said he didn't do it (to him, if someone is mistaken about something, they are a liar, to me someone is only lying if they are intentionally misrepresenting something that is not the truth as the truth). Then, he called me a jerk and an idiot. I told him I wasn't interested in talking to someone who resorts to name calling, and went back downstairs to watch a cartoon with the kids (they were down there during the initial argument). He followed me downstairs and continued to berate me, calling me several other names in front of the kids, including "a piece of garbage". That was it for me, the breaking point. It was obvious to me that he had no respect for me if he was willing to call me names in front of the kids. He also told me that I should be "kissing his @ss" for having called him a liar (which I never did, I told him I thought he was wrong) and that I was totally in the wrong. He'd already said he wouldn't do any more counseling, and that pretty much shut it all down. I told him that next day that I wanted a divorce and we agreed to separate our finances (he has a credit card in just his name and his own bank account, same for me, all the CC balances are on joint cc accounts).
Now, he graduated from his school last week, but has to wait 10 days to take his tests (he says). The earliest he can take his practical is Sept 5, and that is 5 hours away. He had a job interview yesterday and he said they are very eager to hire him but they can't send in his background investigation paperwork until he has his actual license. He can't even get a job as an aircraft cleaner while waiting for his license, because they still have to do the background investigation (I'm all for this, I want them to investigate people that work on airplanes!). As you can tell from the "he says" I've been putting in, I'm starting to trust what he has to say less and less. He won't be able to start work until at least the first week of October. Now, if the butthead had gotten the job he promised to get back in January, this wouldn't be an issue. But he's too high and mighty to get a job at Walmart or anyplace else that he could work at for a short time, or even work outside the field he's just finished training for.
Now for the real point:
When we agreed on all the financial stuff for the separation (we are in VA, which requires a 1 year separation before divorce can be filed, I may be able to get a divorce in IN faster because I am a legal resident there but have to wait until the baby is born to file, they have a 60 day waiting period after filing), it was with the understanding that he would be working in Sept. I've accumlated $16k in retirement accounts (he saved none, of course, blowing his money while I squirreled mine away). We have almost $29k in joint CC debt. My vehicle is worth $3500 more than we owe on it. His vehicle is worth $2650 less than what we owe on it, and he has a motorcycle worth $2500 (my vehicle is titled in both our names because it is registered in IN, the other 2 are titled in my name to avoid VA personal property tax). I want to keep my retirement stuff, so I basically said I'd by him out of $8k of the CC debt if I could keep my retirement stuff, I'll keep my vehicle and he'll keep his and his motorcycle. With the positive value of my vehicle and the negative value of his, he ends up with $2900 CC debt and I get $26k CC debt and my retirement stuff. Case history in both IN and VA is to not hold a spouse responsible for the educational debt of the other spouse if they are not receiving financial benefit from the resulting education. He thinks I am being unfair because we didn't use his GI Bill or Pell Grant to pay for his student loans (taking responsibility for things isn't his strong point) and he thinks he should "get some of that back." I told him I'd pay him back for that as soon as he paid me back from my reenlistment bonus (more than he's gotten in GI Bill). We also own a house in IN that is being rented out. The contract runs until April 15 and then we can sell it. We probably won't make any money (flat market) but if it sells pretty quickly we won't lose anything.
VA child support calculators say that I could get $820 a month for the 2 kids we've currently got, and then $1100 when the baby is born. What we had originally agreed to is that he could stay in the house in his own room (I can't legally force him out of base housing unless I move and I can't do that until Nov 1 when my housing contract expires) and I would provide groceries for him for August and Sept, I'm also paying for his Aug and Sept truck payment and paying all the daycare for the kids for Aug and Sept. Anything not on the usual purchases he can use his CC for, as well as gas and other expenses. He had $100 in his bank account he could use to make his CC payment (his CC balance was $0 on the day of separation) and whatever else he wanted to spend money on. I even agreed to pay for half his contact exam and half of 4 boxes of contacts. His GI Bill payment are set aside for the mortgage for Sept 1 and then the rental payments would cover the mortgage, with $1500 of my final bonus payment to cover other stuff. We will file joint taxes and the return would go to cover any closing costs and we would split equally anything left over (or anything extra we had to pay). Since he had such a big student loan, I said I'd take $600 a month for child support for Oct/Nov, then $850 a month from Dec on (when the baby is born), half on the 1st and half on the 15th (when daycare is due). That is considerably less than state guidelines, but all he'd really be able to afford (his gross will be about $2900/mo), and if he wants to work overtime I won't try to increase CS. I'll be able to move to IN when I get out of the Navy in May 2008, and go to school for 2-3 years to get my BA and teaching certificate and he won't try to lower CS until I start working again. Now, we don't have this formalized in a separation agreement yet, and he is starting to be a jerk about things. He spent all the money he had in his bank account and now doesn't have anything to pay his CC bill (I don't think he'll have a payment until the end of Sept, but he won't be working by then). He needs $450 in cash to pay for his test, but he won't even think about trying to get a job (what if the other one falls through?). He's going to have to borrow money from me for his Oct car payment, and won't have the first half of the October CS payment. Now, he's starting to whine about the GI Bill stuff again. I feel like I've been very generous (VA does not look lightly on guys that could work and chose not to trying to get spousal support, so I don't think he'd even try), but as much as he is being difficult I'm not sure he'll actually sign the separation agreement when it is done getting drawn up (since we were being amicable I'm using a legal clinic the base legal recommended and he'll have an attorney look it over to make sure he's not getting shafted). The job he interviewed for has really good flight benefits (they're affiliated with US Air, so basically any US Air flight with space available is free for immediate family). He says he won't let me use them. Honestly, the only time I'd want to use them is to take the kids to my parents for Christmas (he is okay with the trip itself, he expects to work that day as low man on the totem pole) and I doubt there is much space available then. He thinks its no problem to use all the benefits he gets from me with the military, but doesn't think I'd be entitled to anything he gets ("I didn't have those benefits when we separated"). It is kind of the principle of the thing, ya know? I'm trying to keep things amicable for the kids, but any time he gets a wild hair it turns ugly. He's called me 3 times at work already today, very accusatory about money issues. Am I being unfair to myself? By trying to keep things amicable am I oversupporting him yet again? There is a "screw'em over" for women only law firm that gives a saturday class once a month on divorce for women in the area. Should I go? I was hoping to keep things as cheap as possible, but I just don't know now.
Thanks for reading my novel and any advice and assistance,
Missy

Missy,
I have absolutely no advice for you. I'm at the beginning stages of the process myself. But I wanted to send you (((hugs))). I hope you get the answers you need.
Kate
Hi Missy.... always, keeping things fair is a good idea (whether he perceives it as fair, or not!... and it sounds like he isn't going to think anything is "fair" at this point.... and probably has never thought anything about his life, or the world, has been fair to him, for that matter.)
I would just pursue things in a way that's legally fitting for YOU and the best interest of you and the kids.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~