Am I being too hard? Call his bluff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Am I being too hard? Call his bluff?
1
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 9:43pm

My husband was laid off from his job last June. His resume is very choppy because he is restless and has never really settled into anything for long. I know he is capable, but he has made himself almost unhirable.

Last November, he was contacted by one of those "Work for yourself, make LOTS of money easily" jobs and fell for it. He signed up to be an insurance broker, went through the trainings and has been hobbling along for a year now. He has made $9K in 2006.

I have tried to be patient but am finally done waiting for this job to deliver all of the wonderful promises he believed. We are now stuck in a pattern. I have a bad day at work and start seething that I have to be stuck in my current job. I come home to a messy house, dinner has not been started (by 6:30pm) and the kids are starving, and another day goes by with NO job interviews. I am frustrated enough to start asking him if he applied for the jobs that *I* have referred to him and he makes excuse after excuse. Finally, he turns it all around and makes it all about me - saying he'll get a job at 7-11 and give me all of his money. When I tell him it's not about ME wanting the money, that we need more income to survive, he says WE'RE DONE and that he is not taking this abuse anymore.

Am I really being unreasonable? Is it horrible of me to see my husband as a LOSER because he can't get a job? Even more important, should I stop backing off once it escalates and call his bluff and MAKE him leave?

I am at the end of my rope - I have even thought (in some of my more desparate moments) that if I can somehow hurt myself and I die, my life insurance would pay off all credit card debt and leave him with only the mortgage - then he could put some money away for the kids' college funds (they are 3 and 7). I don't make a whole lot of money, it's not enough for a family of four to live on, but somehow I always end up feeling like I am materialistic and demanding because I ask him to get a job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 4:11am

Hi Pearl,


No, its not unreasonable to expect your husband to contribute to the family financially. Although I'd find divorce an extreme answer to your delimma.


Start with your own attitude toward you job situation. You can keep feeling trapped in your "deadend job" or you can conduct an active job search yourself for something you truly want to do with a company that you want to work for. There's a terrific book out there called "What Color Is Your Parachute?" by Richard Bolles that talks about how to go about the process of finding the job you really want to do. Don't be intimidated by the number of pages. Check the table of contents for the chapters you will find helpful. There's nothing like a few resumes in the pipeline to make you feel less vunerable.


That said, your husband isn't going to feel successful at anything if the signals he gets from you are "You're a loser." While his checked job history may be an issue, there are ways to overcome this on a resume and job hunt. But first, he needs to decide what he's really good at and then research ways to find work. Again, I recommend the "parachute" book for a place to start.


Otherwise, it sounds like there's no structure in your home. Have the two of you sat down and talked about taking care of the kids? Whose responsible for dinner, etc? I'd strongly encourage you to seek marriage counseling. It's too difficult to navigate all the issues in your house on your own.


Good luck.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020