am I crazy to want out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
am I crazy to want out?
3
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:11am
I have been married for 18 years this October. My husband has not had sex with me in over 8 years and has not kissed me or touched me in about 5 years. He does not know how to communicate at all and when I talk to him, he just sits there, and clams up. He says nothing. I have to make all the family decisions and handle life problems on my own. I take care of all the issues with the kids myself. Yet, when I tell him that obviously he must not want to be married to me anymore, he looks at me like I am crazy!!! I don't get it. Can someone please tell me what is going on here?? I am thinking he is not happy and just wants out, yet, he denies it and says "I wish things were better....." blah blah blah. Please help..... I feel like I am going crazy. We already sleep in separate beds, and I have told him that after the first of the year, I want a divorce. I am SO LONELY I THINK I AM GOING CRAZY!! Advice, anyone??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:31am

I think perhaps men need specifics. Have you been direct and non-confrontational with him? My XH and I were in counseling and I told him I wanted a better relationship, but at first I couldn't tell him what I needed to make it better. I finally realized that I needed him to treat me with respect. I needed him to engage me in conversation. I needed him to have a physical relationship with me, but I figured that if the respect and conversation fell into place, so would the sex. Alas, it didn't.

But I feel good about what happened. I told him what I wanted and needed in specifics, not generalities. "You obviously don't want to be married to me anymore" is too general! Make a list ( I need you to hold my hand. I need you to kiss me. I need you to do laundry once a week....) and present it to him in a calm manner. If you can't do this without help, I suggest finding a counselor to help you through.

Good luck!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:03pm

hugss.... you are not crazy. you are living a very difficult life right now. i was just wondering a few things:

you say that the no sex thing started about 8 years ago. up till that time, did you enjoy a healthy normal sex life? did something happen aroudn that time, that might have had an effect on your husband? job change, medical issues, medications, death in the family, move?

i am not a doctor, but it sounds like your husband is suffereing from depression. has he been diagnosed with that? is he on any medication

meanwhile, huge hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 7:37pm

You already live separate life's, you are right now his maid, his personal assistant and