Am I doing the right thing?
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Am I doing the right thing?
| Thu, 06-21-2007 - 10:47am |
First time here, but I feel as if i'm losing my sanity and doubting myself and my abilities. Been married for 4 years (second marriage, 2 boys from first marriage) my husband has not worked for the 3 of those 4 yrs. Not because he can't but because he wont. He's a mechanic and when we were first married he worked his regular job then did mechanic jobs on the side to get extra money. I bitched all the time because we never saw him and he was out until really late at nite. I realize that I should have been more understanding of the fact that he was trying to make extra money to take care of us, but all I could see was that we had no normal life. The fights got worse and whenever I made him mad he would retaliate by doing something...like cutting the elec off & cutting the phone wires, taking the battery out of my truck..throwing my keys on top of the house. I use to fight back, but quit because he could always do something worse to me..it was so childish. the boys were always gone or asleep during these episodes. All of his friends use drugs and he knows how i feel about this. I have never even tried drugs and when we met I was stupid when it comes to knowing if someone is on drugs or not. I'm not sure if he is using drugs or not, i did do some research and have looked for the signs, but he shows none. I know he did them before we met though. He sleeps all day and stays up all nite or just gets a couple hours sleep and is up working on a truck. he does not help me with the bills, food or anything. He is basically a kept man. to make this short, i finally scraped up enough money to file for divorce, but it was for an uncontested divorce. he had said he would let me have the house at one time, so I was hoping we could resolve this without fighting. No such luck. He wants 1/2 of the equity of the house now so he can put it down on another place for himself. the amount would be about 10k. Our house needs alot of work, my credit is shot because I'm late on bills because it's so hard to make ends meet on my paycheck. One child still adores him the other can't stand him. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night and he's gone. What's so wrong with working, eating dinner at the table with your family, putting your kids to bed with a hug & a kiss, and then going to bed together? He wont go to church with us and dogs us out for going. Everything I do, I do on my own and I feel like I can't get out. I make too much money for housing assistance, rent on a shack is 450 per month, make too much for food stamps...thought about a 2nd job, but not sure about the boys...am I hurting them more than helping? Can't sleep, Can't eat. I've prayed and prayed for a door to open, but all i get are closed doors. I feel as if I have failed, that I'm a horrible person. I have lied "white lies" to him to keep him from blowing up, i walk on egg shells. The boys father is remarried and she has 2 boys. He wont take them for a little while, heck, he does good to get them on weekends and only has them for a week during the summer. I'm thankful for that, but feel that our boys take back seat to hers. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing for the boys & myself. I don't know how get past all these feelings of hate, resentment, anger & abandonment. I've tried to take responsibility for my actions and the things i've said, but it's so hard when all i hear from him is how everything is my fault. that if i would just change, it would be fine. that he has changed everything for me and I have changed nothing. But i can't see that...i just can't. sorry this is long, there is always more to someone's life than what you can write here and I've just needed to get this out.

This is an easy call with respect to your boys. Do you really want this slug to be the role model for your boys, and your marriage to be the example of how men should treat women? One may "adore" him, and there's no reason that they can't maintain supervised contact, but I suspect that this man will not go to any trouble for this child once you separate.
You can do this. If it means getting back into an apartment or renting a house, that's what you do. You're not a failure. You just need to make a wiser choice next time around.
As to your boys SM, of course she will favor her own children. She can't possibly have the same relationship with yours as she does her own, particularly since the boys live with you. Your ex husband must allow the unbalanced treatment between children, which shows a character trait that makes me wonder why you are choosing men that do not live up to their obligations and commitments.
Have you sought counseling? Please check with your community mental health resources. You need to figure out why this pattern has formed in your life, and how to make sure it stops here. They will also be able to advise you about helping your boys through this time in their lives.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
Deeply,
Welcome to the board. We hope you find the support and help you need here. Being at odds with your spouse is difficult at best and soul wrenching at the worst.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
sometime you really need to get out of a situation to begin to see thing more clearly - use separation as more of a breathing period to really ask yourself what it is you want out of life & whether this marriage will help to get you there or take you further from it - usually people "act out" etc. when their needs aren't being met - to have a happy/healthy marriage, it takes alot of work/energy on BOTH people's behalf to make it work - if your partner is not willing to accept responsibility for the state of your marriage as much as you are, then nothing will help - you can read my post about "to move on or not" which may give you some insight & let you know that it's definitely better on the other side if you can't make it work - i'm much happier, more relaxed & am able to connect w/myself & what i want again more now than ever would've been possible w/in the house w/him - and this is only after a wk of separation - live life on your own terms, not someone elses - however know that marriage is constant compromise, give & take - and if there isn't that balance, or both people aren't focused on a common goal/vision/purpose, then it's only chaos & will only be temporary...
Laurel :)
I read your post, and thank you. It's just so hard to know if the person he is now is the person he was all along. I use to call him my Knight in shinning armour, and it's so hard to believe that that person is not there anymore. He just called me and said that if I could get as close to the 1/2 of the equity in the house as I could, he would take it. Seperation is out of the picture because he said he would not come back to me if we seperated. Counseling for him is out of the question...as he put it "i'm not going until i'm sure i'm the problem"----isn't that what counseling is for? To find out where the problems lay and to find new ways to resolve them? He has three things on his "list" as we call it, that he wanted me to change about myself....I have at least 10 for him!! somethings not right here. And the more I look inside my heart and think about all of this, the more I realize how much we both are to blame for the shambles that is called our marriage. I'm jealous (try not to be, but what should I think when he's gone at night), I have lied to him about stupid stuff just trying to keep the peace so he wont get mad and pitch a fit. Maybe its one of those times that two people just should not have gotten married..you know...good people seperate, but horrible together?
Ok, so lets say I can refinance the house give him the money, divorce done....I'm not the same strong person I was 8 yrs ago when I did this the first time! I had no fear then, now, i'm scared to death of not being able to make it, of letting the boys down...again. I always seem to be debating with myself about these issues and its crazy...like one foot on one side of the fence and the other foot on the other side! I need to make a decision and stick with it and stop 2nd guessing myself.
same thing sort of happened to me - had a family when i was young, made the decision to leave - i was young, "resilent", fearless - but when it came to the second time around & i had twins, i felt completely trapped - until i realized that living in fear was doing me entirely more harm than good - they are older now, i know i'll never have anymore & never will be faced w/that decision again, so i'm okay w/it - as you say, when you are older, you are wiser & tend to fear reality a little more - however sometimes your partner doesn't - therefore you're not left w/much of a choice - jealous of him "staying out all night" - what is there to be jealous of? - of course my husband did it out of spite a few times - doesn't mean they are w/other women totally - depends on how often or whether you have "the feeling" - i didn't -
thing is - you don't want to let "the boys" down, yet you are by not being strong & standing up for yourself - regardless of the world you are in, or what things may "seem" like - sounds like he has the upper hand if he knows that you are fearful in any way - just like a dog, humans will attack when they sense fear -
as my son told me once, mom, all we need is an umbrella - lol - and it reminded me of me packing up my suitcase & going out in the rain w/my umbrella when i was a little girl & feeling completely safe - in life, we don't need as much as we think we do - and the only time that we can receive anything more is when we are happy, free & thankful for the little we already have - anything you fear has power over you - you've gotta throw caution to the wind sometimes, learn from your mistakes (no matter how old we are when we make them), know that life is full of risks & chalk it all up - you're a big girl, you know what's best for you & when you are ready, you'll jump -
Laurel :)