Am I horrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Am I horrible?
16
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:45am
Is it wrong to not even miss your STBX? I've been separated for only a few weeks now, and even on my loneliest nights, I don't miss him. I feel horrible for not missing him, like I'm a horrible person without any feeling for others. Is this normal?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:15am

I think it's normal. Whatever feelings you have, whether you missed him or not, are normal. We are all different. It doesn't mean you have no feelings for others, it means you are ready to be without him and it feels right, or at least it's what you need.

I was happy to be away from my ex. Our marriage was over long before we admitted it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:22am

"It doesn't mean you have no feelings for others, it means you are ready to be without him and it feels right, or at least it's what you need."

Thank you so much for mentioning the above in your post. I was sort of feeling that may be the case, but now that I've heard it from somebody else as well, it makes me feel all the better. I, too, think I was over my marriage long before I left, although I know my STBX has no clue, even though I've told him plain as day, and talked with him until my face turned blue, about issues we were having. I don't know if he is just in denial, or if he really has no clue. But that's really not of my concern now anyway, I've done the best I can to let him know, plain as day, what was going on. And I've felt much happier and more myself since I've left. And I guess my feelings about things are now validating that as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:24am
My ex was shocked that I would leave him. I guess he didn't consider all those years of begging for what I needed as me really meaning it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:35am
Same here. I thought it quite interesting that he never expected me to actually leave, especially after I had given him an ultimatum, basically saying things change or I'm gone. I realized he had absolutely no clue still the day after I told him I was leaving. His response was, "Now you have my attention." To me, that was way too late, and I was sort of hoping for that kind of response when I had given him the ultimatum. Ah well, I guess it's a good thing I left when I did, and in the meantime I'm really learning about what kind of person he actually is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:40am
I didn't give an ultimatum, but my experience was very similar. When I told him I wanted a divorce, he said he would be willing to do whatever it took to get me to stay. I thought, well how romantic is this, he's willing to do what it takes *if* I'm leaving. His problem was that my leaving wasn't a threat, it was definitely happening, and his fear of losing me wasn't because he loved me, it was because he was afraid to be in charge of his own life and I knew that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:48pm

Oh my EX never thought I'd leave, either.... but once I did.... I'd missed him for so long while we were still married and living in the same house, that it was more of a relief when we finally started living apart.... and I didn't spend one minute feeling horrible for making a choice that would put me on the track to happiness.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:20pm

I was the same way and still am. Everyone thinks I should be so sad or a total mess. The only thing I was sad about was when he took the kids for his scheduled visitation times. I felt alone and missed them. The longer he's gone the less I think about him. It's like I barely remember what he looks like. I don't see him when I drop the kids off or when he picks them up and I'm perfectly happy about it.

It's exciting to be on my own and wondering what's going to happen next. My big focus right now is fixing up the house and making it mine and making sure the kids have a good solid routine.

I've gotten quite handy around the house too. I found all the screens that he threw in the cellar and I fixed them and put them back in the windows. My parents were really impressed that I've become so self sufficient. I'm loving it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: nslods
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:40pm
Mine has been gone about 9-10 weeks .... WOW! that long! ... & i dont miss him a bit. I was just saying to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:47am
I left my husband just over a month ago, and I don't miss him one bit. He wasn't mean to me, but I knew it was over in November of 04. So think I also missed him while we still lived together. I am very excited to have my own place and be moving on with my life. Don't have to answer to anyone but me. I am enjoying finding me again. The fun, laughing, loving person I once was is re-emerging and I like it. Feels good to laugh again. So, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Please don't feel horrible for not missing him, I'm sure you still feel for others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 3:42am

well, if "not missing the ex" equals "horrible person", then i guess i am horrible too!!! and i'm not!!!! and neither are you!!!!! wow - i truly couldn't WAIT to get away from my ex, and i have never been happier since the day we walked on that lump of pig fat. seriously - am i horrible? no. i don't like him, i don't love him, i don't feel sorry for him. why ? because he is a horrible horrible horrible abusive pig of a person. does this make me a bad person? no - it makes me

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