Am I horrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Am I horrible?
16
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:45am
Is it wrong to not even miss your STBX? I've been separated for only a few weeks now, and even on my loneliest nights, I don't miss him. I feel horrible for not missing him, like I'm a horrible person without any feeling for others. Is this normal?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:38am

I am so glad I found these message boards! It's great to know that I'm not the only one feeling and thinking the way I am. When I first left my STBX, the only thing I missed was our little dog. She is such a 'mommy's dog', and I felt horrible that I had to leave her with him because that's where we had the pet deposit, and I definitely couldn't afford another one. But, thankfully, our apartment manager is working with us and letting us bounce her back and forth each month, without my having to pay anything except pet rent for the months I have her.

I too have become more self-sufficient, in a way. I was pretty self-sufficient when I was still with him just because I got tired of waiting on him to do things, so I'd just wind up doing it myself. But at those times, I had so much frustration that I really didn't enjoy anything I did. But, now, I enjoy even the most mundane tasks because I know they're for myself and I will be the one benefitting from them in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:44am

I think most of us don't miss our ex's in the beginning.... we might miss being married and having our everyday life back... but we don't miss our ex's


We are divorcing for a reason, whether we left or were left. Things happen, people change and situations that occur only make us stronger people. If we recongnize that we had a problem in our relationships and we are ok with them being gone, that makes us just plain OK.


And for that, I am saying that no, you are not horrible... you are just plain OK :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 8:44am

I, too, missed my husband a great deal while I was still with him. I think I was over him around the same time you were, but I guess out of love and hope, I still tried to hold on. That's when I gave him the ultimatum, in hopes that he'd realize how things really were and hopefully make a change, in turn starting to heal our relationship. I gave him the ultimatum in January 05, and it didn't work. That's when, in reference to a previous post on this board, I had told him I was leaving, with his response then being "Now you have my attention." Ah well. Too late.

It's funny about how you said you are enjoying finding you again. I was just talking to my mom on the phone last night, and was telling her how, even in the short 2 or so weeks, I already feel really close to being my normal, happy, optimistic self. I had missed laughing and having fun, and I think since I've left my husband, I've laughed more in just that short time than I have in the entire time we were together (about a year and a half).

I do feel for others. I haven't stopped feeling for others. I just never realized how much I felt for others until after I left. I had become such a hard person when I was with my husband, and I'm now also starting to feel compassionate again. I missed these feelings!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 9:48am

>>>I think most of us don't miss our ex's in the beginning.... we might miss being married and having our everyday life back... but we don't miss our ex's<<<

That reminds me, the only time I *did* miss my ex was when I was lugging groceries to my upstairs apartment, by myself, with 3 year old dd in tow. I moved and now it's not such a far trip into the house, so that feeling of needing him to haul groceries is gone too.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 10:31am
no way no way no way! Of course you're not horrible. I'm sure that the relief of not having the wrong person in your life & house is superseding the loss of companionship. enjoy the peace!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
In reply to: nslods
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 11:36am
My husband and I were together for 11 years, married 6 will be 7 in July. I knew we were growing apart and tried to talk to him and tried to fix it. But with only one of us (me) working on it, we just continued to grow apart. Then in November my sister got married. They played our song at her reception and he refused to dance with me. I knew then that it was over. Continued to try to work it out, but knew in my heart there really wasn't anything I could do. Had to try for myself. Then in early February of this year I found out he had been talking to a woman online. Not sure if they ever met or not. He says they didn't and that they were just friends. Willing to talk to her, but not me. That was the final straw for me. I left him 5 years ago because he had an affair with a woman he worked with. I started making arrangements to move out. Didn't tell him I was moving until 2 weeks before I moved. Now he says "You are the only one for me" and "Let's go to marriage counseling". I have told him that I am not going back. I needed to hear these things a year ago when I first told him we were having problems and growing apart. This is my 2nd marriage, I have 2 sons from 1st, and a 5 year old daughter from this marriage. I have been a single parent before so I know I can do this. I don't hate him, but don't love him anymore either. I have agreed to wait a year before I file for divorce because he has a medical issue and I carry the insurance. That also gives us time to work out a custody arrangment that is good for all of us. Thanks for responding to my post.

Pages