Am I at that point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Am I at that point?
15
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 3:13pm
I'm looking for advice from those who have been there done that. my husband and i have had a wonderful relationship for the last 7 years but things changed last year and haven't been the same since. years ago i couldn't imagine being with another man and i knew in my heart that my husband and i were a wonderful couple and would be together for ever. we had a few things happen last year, all of which were his doing and he'd tell you the same thing. And since then, i can't look at him the same way anymore, i'm not attracted to him, i'm disgusted by him. he's trying so hard to make this marriage work and i believe that if i wanted it to work, it could. he's a great man, really he is, but we are more like best friends than lovers. then about a month ago i started having an affair. i'm by no means in love with this other man, he's just fun and entertaining for now, he's keeping me busy as my marriage falls apart. i want to seperate at least from my husband now, but he doesn't want to. he wants to keep trying. in my mind the relationship is dead. but i'm terrified to make a huge mistake. what if it really could work? what if my feelings for him change someday? and now that i've taken it to this new level of cheating, does that mean the relationship is dead for good? were any of you to this point when you decided to get divorced or does it sound like i should stick around and make it work. we have two kids, we're not very well off financially so divorce is going to be very hard. still, i don't want to stay in an unhappy relationship....


Edited 2/28/2007 5:42 pm ET by babydollcd

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:26pm
I am reading your posting and feel that this is the EXACT same situation I am experiencing. My situation is for the last few years. I am feeling nothing for my spouse, who is a wonderful man. I am stressed because I know the socially acceptable thing to do is stay, but I know there is more to life out there. I have found myself in this sort of middle of the road, not sure which way to go. I just believe in a happy loving relationship so much. Over the last year or so I have become resentful for this life. We are in counseling and have been for quite a while, but its not helping. I can see how to fix the problems, but am out of love- can't even stand to be with my spouse at this point. We get along ok, but there is just nothing there. Its such a hard and harsh thing to explain. My spouse wants it to work and is absolutely devestated by this.
The worst part is that I have absolutely no family support- they have said that if I do this they will write me off and that my dilusions of wanting more out of a marriage are childish and unrealistic... I am in a bad place lately and really am at a loss of what to do...
So I feel your pain- this is the worst place to be in because its such a gray area and no one understands.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:34pm

I don't have alot of time and I don't know any of the details of your situation so my response may be overly simplistic, but *work on your marriage.* Affairs do not provide clarity; they just confuse your heart, mind and soul. Marriage counseling and/or individual counseling can help. Marriage is a commitment; you should work really hard before foregoing that commitment.

Now you may have done so and you don't say what happened a year ago. Without that info I may not really be responding in a relevant manner. Some marriages need to end for the mental, emotional and physical well-being of the people involved, but many marriages end because the partner(s) weren't willing to work at it.

I hope you can find your way to your answer.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:36pm
Speaking from experience...I married my high school sweetheart. We dated for 10 years and we were married for 5. Through those years, I felt as though I married my best friend but over time he was no longer my lover but seemed more like a big brother to me. Finances were tight and it didn't seem to help - I actually made more money than him. It just seemed like over time, he was content with the income he was making, staying home with our little boy and not associating with any of my friends (he only had one friend). I became utterly board out of my mind. Making love to him was completely out of the question. With hardly any money and no ambition on his part, I started going out for drinks with my female co-workers after work. I often wondered what it would be like on the other side of the fence. I jotted down a pros vs. cons list and it seemed like the best thing for me was to find happiness because my husband would never change. Another man came into my life who made me laugh and I knew had a great career and would be able to provide for me and my son. I divorced my husband after being separated for 6 months. The first couple of years with my new man were exciting as most relationships start out. We got engaged, then got pregnant, and then got married. We had to go through alot during the first couple of years such as dealing with my jealous ex-husband, and getting to know my new in-laws who are mean and evil. We dealt with alot that I didn't even think to put on my cons side of the list. I had my baby and then the big bomb shell...My ex-husband has a girlfriend. OMG! I don't know what it is about the past...but I instantly forgot about the bad times with my ex and started only thinking about the good and Jealousy sets in! HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD ME, HE WAS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS STAYED CALM AND CONTENT. And now I have a man that is completely opposite of my ex. I sometimes wish the impossible...I want a man that is ambitious and a people-person like my current husband but calm and collective when it comes to problems like my ex. Complicated - I know! But now I have to face other things that I also forgot to put on my cons list...Seeing this girl with my ex-husband at every function that involves our son. The worst is the weekends that my ex has my son and the three of them get in the car after the game and drive away together. And because she doesn't like the close relationship that my ex and I have, she is often unpleasant to me. Then the question pops in my head quite often...What if I would have stayed? Would I've eventually been happy? I guess I will never know. I am happy now in ways that I wasn't before but I still miss the good times that we shared. I only wish that I would have taken the time during our separation to really clear my head and think clearly instead of thinking that the grass was greener on the other side. Either way you go, you have to find happiness with yourself because its not easier on either side just different problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 2:46am
if you have 2 kids and you are diong this, you are crazy honey, you will definatly regret what you are doing, if you think the grass is greener on the otherside think again things are gunna get really bad for you, just remeber what comes around goes around and you are setting yourself up for disaster
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:06am

I stayed in my marriage until I exhausted every possible chance to make it work. I made sure my step daughters graduated high school, and even wrote my ex-wife phd dissertation to make sure she graduated with her degree in BioEngineering. I had many chances to stray, but I resisted the urge. That's just me.

In your case, it sounds like you have been testing the waters of divorce or an affair for a while. It sounds a little like you had decided not-to-decide and waited until some event drove you to a situation that your husband would never forgive or want ot work on. This is unfair to him.

First, you need to end this affair. It has no where to go but disaster. Stop worrying if you made a mistake or not. The affair is fact. It was a mistake. Now come the consequences.

Second, you need to decide if you want marriage or divorce, and follow it through until it happens. Quite frankly, it sounds like you want divorce. So if its divorce you want, talk to a lawyer and get the facts of how much it costs, who gets what, etc. And since you cheated, you can expect a very bad reaction from your husband, and he'll probably fight you (out of anger).

Lastly -- this is a major life decision, and yet you are very passive about it. You need to understand this (with counceling, books, groups, what ever works for you). This is a big red flag that you need to work on so it does not happen again (even if you stay married).

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 5:41pm
ok, so if i end this affair, which will be easy to do, and i stay and work on my marriage, which will be hard to do, do i ever tell my husband about this affair? can i honestly have a good relationship with him now that i know what i've done?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 5:56pm

Some may argue this point but it seems that there are many emotions that you have kept from your husband and he is tredding water desparately to make some sense of what is keeping you from totally letting go and allowing yourself to explore every aspect of what could be good in this relationship.


If you are going to attempt to establish relationship on solid ground, he deserves to know what he is working with.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:59am

Have to add my 2 cents here. People have affairs because they are either lacking something inside themselves, or there IS something lacking in their relationship. It's hard to figure out what your motives are, and this is where therapy is a GREAT option. It is possible that something in the marriage is leaving a need unmet in babydoll. Before you give up on your M completely, bdoll, find someone competant and qualified to talk to about what is REALLY going on in your head. I know from experience. I thought I had a great M, until I had an affair. The whole thing got to be so painful, they always do, that I sought help from a great therapist to figure out just what was happening. After some individual therapy, my H and I are now in MC. Somethings I never expected have come up in marriage counseling, and I am just starting to see what the problems actually are- I started this process 6 months ago! The crazy thing is my H, who has seen me cry and struggle with this marriage for a long time now, is actually starting to acknowledge that we DO have problems- namely in the way we communicate. He's been cut off from his feelings for a long time now, and it's created a huge distance between us...it happened so slowly, I didn't even see it. Or, rather, I chose to look at the overall friendship we had and thought "this is ok", instead of allowing myself to know that our marriage was failing. I still don't know what we are going to do, I'm going to stay with a friend for awhile later this month.

Babydoll, end the affair while it is still easy to do. it will get harder if you keep it up. First figure out what REALLY happened to your marriage. Then you might feel the freedom to leave without regret, or stay if that seems to be the best thing FOR YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:59pm
hello,
just read your post and had to add my opinion. i am in almost the same position as you, although, my husband and i haven't had such a great marriage since about 6 months before we got married. yeah, i know, shouldn't have gone through with it, but for whatever the reasons, it is done. i gave absolutely everything into this marriage because i wanted it to work, even if i had to deal with the odd things he was doing, which i didn't realize were going to cause major problems down the road. well, it turns out, after 5 years of marriage counselling and about the same amount of time with him seeing his own psychologist, that it is never going to work. for many reasons that are too much to write. but the thing is, after i gave up wanting to try to work on the marriage, he all the sudden wanted to. but at that point i had no feelings for him beyond resentment. absolutely none. then i got pregnant. we now have two children. i am questioning myself as to wether i again try to work on it, regardless of my lack of feelings for him (or negative ones that i have most of the time if i have any), for the two kids, or do i go through the unpleasntness and hard times and be happier in the end. my husband is also emotionally abusive towards me, and just the other day he started on my two year old. that right there is telling me that i should leave him, but i am so scared of taking the kids away from their dad. but if he is going to do to them the things he does to me, it would be worse in the end.
i am also in an affair, but like you, it is just something to amuse me, and can be ended at any time. there is no way in the world that this other man would ever become a permanent fixture in my life - he's too immature. so i don't know what to tell you, other than you aren't alone in it. i personally wouldn't stay if there were no feelings...that you and he had a good first couple of years should make the divorce easier and less nasty and maybe even amicable. i wouldn't tell him about the affair though...would just muddy things. my opinion, nothing more. it's hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 7:37pm

Your still on the fence about marriage.

If ending your affair is easy to do, do it now. Not tomorrow, now.

I agree with the other general opinions of other posters -- personal counceling of some kind would be a very good option for you. In order to get to where you are now, a very long chain of events has taken place. It will take time to understand what has happened and why. What's missing? What's not working? Why are you so iffy about marriage?

Get your head straight before you make any big decisions.

If you tell your spouse about the affair, be prepared for a whirl-wind. It will be unpleasant and ugly.

In my experience, when the Cheater gets to admit to the affair, they do so to feel better and/or avoid a nagging sense of giult. I have yet to know anyone who cheated and confessed to do so for the betterment of their marriage. I suppose its possible, but I have not met anyone who has done this. In my observation, the confession was masked as "being completely hosest", but the net effect is the same. The Cheater gets to feel better, the betrayed feels much worse.

If you confess your sins, how much penance are you willing to do?

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