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| Fri, 07-07-2006 - 7:28pm |
I have been married for 15 years. I have been frustrated with my relationship for at least 10 of those years long time. I always wanted to be a business owner, but he always felt that was too insecure.
I finally started a business and I recently expanded my business which prevented me from having an income for the last year. Now, I'm at a point that I should be profitable and continue to see my business grow but I live in an area where the economy is going in the toilet. My biggest fear here is whether or not I can do this financially support myself when my income varies from month to month.
I also wonder if I'm making the right decision. He is putting a lot of guilt on me that I am abandoning my family - of course I'm really only abandoning him. The reasons I want a divorce are:
Even though he made it clear he expected me to bring in 50% of the income, he never finished college so he could have a good career. He was in his junior year when we got married. I completed all of my college while we were married. He also doesn't pursue new opportunities, jobs, etc. he just waits for things to happen.
His family is a huge issue in our relationship. He has a sister who seems to think she needs to run our lives. For many years he allowed it until after 10 yrs. I put my foot down and said either she's out or I leave. Even though it's gotten better he will not stand up to her on his own. I have to always be coaching him. There are times she's borderline verbally abusive to our children. She has been nasty to me and when I defend myself she gets worse and then he tells me to back down - not her so I never was able to handle it and put her in her place.
We have not much of a sex life for nearly 10 years. He's just not interested.
He leaves all the financial decisions to me. He won't meet with a financial planner, sit down to figure out a budget or pay bills, etc. I feel a lot of resentment and pressure to make sure everything is handled.
He gets really upset and is controlling about how laundry is washed, the dishwasher is loaded, he used to even get upset if I listened to the radio instead of CD's he made me because he doesn't understand why I'd want to listen to commercials. I stopped doing any household chores and everyone else says I wish I had your husband. No idea I feel like a visitor in my own house.
We do have a lot of fun watching movies, going to concerts, very active in our church, etc. but I feel like we're roommates rather than husband and wife. I'm just so tired!
He moved out today and I'm filing on Wednesday. There's a part of me that wants to call him and tell him to come back. But there's another part of me that is so excited and exhilirated at the thought of meeting someone who is atleast willing to do some of the above. I don't expect perfection. So I'm questioning myself, but really think it's the financial part that freaks me out the most.

oh gosh it sounds like you are married to my ex H. no sex, a lot of control, financial issues....
sounds to me like the one who should be worried about finances is your stbx - not you. you have a college degree, you have been developing a career, you have put together a business. and it sounds to me like you are the type of person who will just do whatever it takes to get the job done.
you are removing your children from a controlled and probably abusive environment to a healthy and stable one.
so --- ask yourself what could be wrong with this? will you have less money? will your future be a litle shaky? maybe. so you take yourself to a financial counselor and figure out what the best choice would be fo ryou right now. moving to a different area? bringing in someone to help run the business and you taking a salaried position in another company so you would have some promised income? i don't know - but hopefully a professional advisor could help you out with that.
my story: i walked out on my second husband - he was controlling and emotionally abusive to me and my son. i had no money - and i live in a country where the economic situation is just so bad. i can't afford anything, i make a terrible salary - but!! i am alive, my son is doing better (he was really in a bad place), i manage to go back to school part time and i work full time. i had a choice: to stay in a bad place for the financial security (even though it wasn't really secure because my ex H used money to control me, to "keep me in line"). OR to build a secure and stable life for myself and for my ds - even if we are poor. i chose the latter and never looked back (only to ask my self why i didn't do this sooner)....
good luck and keep us posted.
I was married a long time too and endured emotional, physical and sexual abuse for far too long. He was extremely controlling over me and kids and criticized the way I was raising the kids (I wasn't "hard enough" on them), my cooking, my driving, the way I did laundry, you name it. It was not always this way. It came on slowly over the years until one day I said wait a minute! My friends and family no longer cared to come over to visit anymore because they couldn't stand being around him. At times he was mean to not only me, but also the kids and the dogs. I fantasized about leaving him for years. He did the biggest favor last July by filing for divorce to scare me into "straightening up." Well, his plan backfired when I went out and got my own attorney. It's still not settled. We have not been able to settle through the attorneys or the mediator because he has refused to negotiate on ANYTHING! He won't even provide his financial information. We have a pre-trial conference on July 17th and sadly this divorce will probably end up going to trial because of his bitterness and lack of cooperation.
I moved out of the home last summer because he took over the house, the kids and the finances (which I used to always do). Now my oldest doesn't even want to see his dad and lives with me full time. I have not seen a dime in any type of child support, but I know that the state will take care of that very soon.
Throughout out marriage, I was the one to run the household, be the room mom at the kids' schools, work part time (actually I took several years off to raise the kids) and do all the budgeting and everything else around the house. He just had to mow the grass in the summer. He also has no ambition and ended up losing several jobs in a couple years' time because of his attitude. He accused everyone else, including the boss, of being a jackass. I ended up losing a tremendous amount of respect for him. I figured it would be easier to go on without him because he was no longer worth the hassle and the loss of my self esteem.
Last summer he told me no one would want me unless I spread my legs for them. Well, let me tell you, I have met a couple of very nice gentleman and I didn't have to do that. It was his way of keeping me under his control.
I live quietly now, except for the stress of trying to end this marriage, and I don't walk on eggshells anymore -- and neither does my son. I have a good job, but I still struggle with supporting us. But I am doing it. It will get much easier when I start getting support for just the basics!
I have never regretted getting out of there. There are many times that I am angry at the dilemma I am in, but for the first time ever I am in complete control of my life and I like it.
Good luck and keep us posted!
I'll be posting how my pre-trial conference goes on July 17th.
Belinda