Am I really getting a divorce?? long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Am I really getting a divorce?? long!
5
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 4:51pm
Hi. Been a member of IVillage for awhile but have never posted. Now, I've got a big problem and I need to know what people think since I'm getting NO feedback from the "husband". I'm getting advice and support from my friends and family but it's all "we love you" and "be strong" and "protect yourself". I know this and it helps because I know I'm loved and supported and not alone but....here's the story.
My husband and I have been together since 10/2001; we met on a dateline. I specifically asked for no children in my profile. Make a long story short, he talked me into a date and I fell in love with him immediately and decided to "deal with it". Living together for 2 years, married since Sept. 04. No children between US, thank God. Bought a house in June this year (house is all in my name). We'd been having some problems with money - he always wants to go out and party and I want to stay home and save to pay the enormous debt we have (that's all in my name - his credit's lousy). I want a better life for us and he sees the "now". So, I became the money-and-responsibility nazi. With the 2nd job, the sex declined because I'm tired all the time and I feel taken for granted. When there was some, it didn't seem very loving, only for gratification (his, not mine). He was in the process of getting a divorce from his now-ex when we met, though I was under the impression he was already divorced until 4 months into our relationship. He was not in the home and did not see his 2 children. By then, I loved him already. Theirs was a bitter divorce and no custody or agreement was yet set until March of last year. He had his children every other weekend and had to pay approx. $4500 in credit card bills. Visitation went okay except that he had to work some of the weekends and would have to leave them with me. Which I was okay with, but not all the time. The kids are not there to spend time with me - but are supposed to get to see their dad. It lasted for the summer and he saw them up until about a month before we were married. Then, has never seen them again. I guess he figures either married - or his kids. But he's never made a decision one way or another. I just wanted him to DECIDE something - not this limbo. I don't know. Anyway, I took out a loan in my name and used my paid-for car as collateral and got my boss to co-sign so he could comply with the decree and pay the cards. In October last year (a month after we were married), his car died so I liquidated my mutual fund and bought a car for him to use - again in my name.
So, about a month and half ago, he goes out with a friend of ours (the boys) on a Friday night (when I'm working til 3am) and never comes home. Called him, no answer. Called the friends, no one's seen him. Called police stations - no one's picked him up; I'm working on hospitals and he walks in at 10:30 am looking like death and doesn't say a word. When pushed, he says he got so drunk he couldnt find his way home and ended up in a town about 20 or 30 minutes away, sleeping it off in the car. (We live just off the same street as the bar he was supposed to be at about 5 miles down the road). I freak on him and he breaks down - "help me", then gets mad that I assume he needs AA or something. I have a migraine, am throwing up and we had a party to go to that night; does he stay home? No, he goes - says he'll be home at 11, but comes home at 4 am. He was there at 2:30 am because I called friends that were there. But I'm really hurt he even went after NOT COMING HOME AT ALL the night before.
Fridays go by and he's partying while I"m working 21 hour days. This is ticking me off and I keep getting angry but he doesn't care. On 12/3, we argue about this and unrelatedly I suggest counseling for him becuase he's been thinking of giving up rights to his kids. (It's been her goal all along and mommy's got the funds to make life miserable and continously threaten court action and bill for 50% of this and that with no receipts etc etc - yes, it could have been handled differently but that's water under the bridge). I suggest couseling, he laughs at me and says it's done. He called her 4 days ago. I freak - for him (I know it'll hurt him forever), because he didn't tell me, for everything. We go to a family function that night and he's attentive to me, subdued and tells everyone what he's done. They freak on him big time. I told him I would support him no matter his decision, he his my husband, but I wouldn't make it for him (I didn't want the blame and it's something he has to live with).
Monday, we play hooky from both jobs and stay in bed all day, sleeping and cuddling - watching movies, though looking back, I was doing all the cuddling. He works late all week, mostly after I've gone to bed. Friday, I find out he's been at the bar Tues night, Wed night and letting me think he was working late. Come home Friday at 4 am from work, he's been out but he's sleeping now. doesn't call me Sat (he's at work). I call him at 2:30 pm. He tells me he got home at 10:30. Finally comes out that he got home at 10:30, then went to a local nightclub, same one he couldn't find his way home from 41/2 weeks ago. Saturday night, I worked also. Come home at 1 am, he's been out again - same nightclub. One we go to sometimes. I'm sick of this and let him have it.
Turns out our relationship is dead - if I didn't know that, I was going in blind, we have no relationship and when I beg him to work it out, he says there's nothing to fix. He's reacquainted himself with some old friends from before me, he can't love me if he can't love himself, he's miserable and broken because he gave up his kids, he has no "fight" in him to save our relationship. He ends up leaving at 2:45 am on foot because I took the car away from him (driving drunk home - car in my name, still have a note on it etc). The next day, he's never coming home - ever. Our relationship is over. He never wants more kids and I've always said I'd like one so he "has" to leave. Sunday, he's NEVER comign home - ever. Then, it's not me. I didn't do anything wrong, it has nothing to do with me. Then, it's he needs some time to sort this out. Tuesday, he didn't directly SAY he blames me for his decision to give up the kids, but implied that I made him feel it was a "them or me" situation by wanting to spend time with him on some weekends, and that was the only time he had for the kids (mandatory work 2 weekends a month). Again, with I'm never coming home.
He spent all the money in our account last week staying at a hotel, overdrafted us by $356 by Thursday, gets paid Friday and only gets $291. So, by all accounts, he shouldn't have any money but he was still staying at the hotel Friday at 4 am - I drove by after work and the work van he borrowed to get to work is still there. He comes this past Friday and gets clothes only - just clothes for the immediate future, left half of them and all other stuff, while I'm at work. Basically, he's moved out while I'm not there even though he left his keys. He had the garage code; I thought I'd fixed it but I guess not. Gets mean when I get angry because I'm hurt and says I'll try to call you tomorrow. Don't know why I believed him - he hasn't called since he left except ONCE to ask me what I did to the bank account last week - YOU spent it all! I didn't do anythign to it. He had off Sat. and it was supposed to be his company Christmas Party which we attended last year. Good time, romantic weekend alone. I was really looking forward to it. Told him not 2 weeks ago that we need to spend some alone-time, get some quality time for us. I heard from friends he was pretty hungover Sunday so he must've had a good time. He doesn't get hangovers so it must've been some party. I found out Sunday morning that he's been looking at porn ALOT, and at 3:30 am when I'm sleeping. AND...he has a dating profile on a web database with 39 matches. The account for the database (NamesDatabase) was created in May this year - 8 months after we were married. Dont' know when the dating profile was created or submitted.
So, by all accounts - he's messed up in the head from the kids issue, should have no money but has to be staying somewhere, hasn't gotten together with any of our friends and hasn't called or ANYTHING - no word, complete abandonment. What is really going on here? I think he's found someone else and thinks he can just create a new life. Help! Should I call him. I haven't called him since Friday. He said I didn't have to stop calling him - no reason we can't be "sociable" since we "can't avoid each other" and this was when he wasn't talking to anyone that was calling him - just me. But only if I initiated the call. He's left most of his stuff - family pictures, everything. But he's just GONE. I don't want a divorce and I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 5:12pm

this is going to be soooo hard to hear but...read your post again..slowly.

11 mos ago I was feeling the same way..he left me with no warning for another woman..but (through therapy) I have realized it is the "marriage" I want not him. could that be the case??

He doesn't sound like he has been trustworthy or honest for a while..but, like I was, I don't think you are "ready" to hear that right now...You need to look after YOU!
Therapy was the best thing for me..it can be expensive but there should be some resources available in your area..you need to find out what YOU need.

I too am/was married to a selfish man..I was there to "service" him...the good/bad thing is it took me 12 yrs & 3 kids to see that..

If you continue at this pace you are going to emotionally & physically exhausted...he is not looking after you so you need to...

((hugs))
Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 8:05pm
Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry it had to take that long for you. 3 children later...even one child later would destroy me. I am sooooooooo thankful we don't have children. I wouldn't know what to do.
I think wanting the marriage is part of it. I am 31 and have waited through abusive relationships, many many dating relationships all of it. I waited until I thought I'd found "the right one" to get married. Problem is...I'm a penguin. I am monogomous to the point of I-don't-know-what-to-do. I married this man for life and I meant my vows. I thought he was my best friend; I thought I was sooooo lucky. I'm smart and cautious - how could I have mis-judged him so? I am a Christian and I know the Bible says adultery is grounds for a wife divorcing her husband. I don't have any proof but I KNOW that to be the case. 2 and 2 aren't adding, and I learned a long time ago that they're supposed to be 4. How could I have missed all the signs and let it happen right under my nose; in OUR home that I was working so hard to make better??? How could I have let it get that far? My mind keeps saying "if I'd only known then what I know now..it could be different". But then, he's got free will and it probably wouldn't. It would've just happened some other time. My head knows it; it's my heart that's the problem. And I can't control that; I can't make it stop hurting and he's killing me inside. I really do love him; that's the worst part. You can't make yourself stop loving someone - Oh God, have I tried. If he ever wanted to come home, I don't know if I could resist him. but I know I should, for my own future. It's all the good memories and things I love about him that keep coming back. And memories of when he loved ME! What happened and why???? What did I do or didn't do?? I worked and worked and tried and cooked nice dinners and always made sure he was fed and tried to take care of him and make him feel loved and touch him affectionately and I tried to be a good wife. Why won't they go away??! The memories... I'll never touch him again, never be touched lovingly by him, never laugh as husband and wife...my mate. And I see pictures of us, of him, and I can still feel his skin under my hand - not sexually but all the little affectionate pats and rubs and caresses, with love. Did he ever love me at all?? Does it even matter? To sign a piece of paper and just walk away - like we never had known each other; watch him walk into the sunset and never claim him again as mine and all that goes with it...
If I'd have written yesterday, I'd have been a sloppy mess (like now -what a difference a few hours and some time on your hands makes), Monday I would have been catatonic and no thought of writing at all. Today was anger and now I'm back to a sloppy mess. I'm so tired of being tried by God in my life. A child at 17, adoption, a stalker boyfriend, an abusive cop-boyfriend whom I THOUGH I wanted to marry (but didn't thank God), a 3 year long DUI the night after I broke it off with him, now this.
I'm sorry I know I'm rambling and having my very own pity-party here. Sometimes I look at the bathtub and think "it would be so simple - I know how it SHOULD be done to get it done right" but I'm no coward and I know God didn't put me here for THAT. I just want to know when am I ever going to be HAPPY? Is anyone ever happy? Is life all about suffering and pain and the next crisis?
I'm so hurt by this. I thought I'd found happiness. Instead I found more misery. I know he's never comign back and I have to get through this. I just love him so much and I gave it 110%; I have nothing left for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:48pm

oh my gosh my story all over again!..

That is the good thing about posting here & reading the stories..you are not alone..this happens to a lot of people unfortunately..

I too, waited til I was 28 & "sure" to get married...I married for "life"...I knew things weren't great..but heck we were in it for the long haul right?..but there are things you didn't count on..I was not physically abused..but I'm beginning to think mentally, perhaps..what he is doing to to you can be seen that way as well...the neglect, the guilt he puts on you...he was not treating you the way you deserve to be treated..that is what you have to keep in mind...but it is soo soon for you..it will take a while...just be easy on yourself..

Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:39am
Thank you. I know I went a little nutty last night. It's the nights that are the worst. Days, I am at work and it's something about nights. They used to be my favorite time, cuddling just before falling asleep...you know, the "closeness" of it.
Wow, why do they have to be such jerks?
Thanks again; I guess it does help to know there are others that have survived this before me. Unfortunate for them - I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know it's soon - it just feels like forever already.
I can't afford my house and all the bills without his pay; I'm going to have to find a new job. I'm also on his insurance; he can cancel me at anytime and I'd never know it. I don't know how I'm going to "sell" myself to a prospective employer of the caliber that I need to survive but somehow, I've got to do it or I may lose not just him, but my home. What a jerk. Thanks again for the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:45pm

Hey there

Just read the first paragraph or so, that was enough. Dump his ass. He is lookin for a free ride and also if he wants to party more than spend time with his dream girl, he is NOT inlove.

Tom