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| Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:19pm |
I am new here. I know there are other women who have been through this, but I do not personally know any, and feel so alienated. My story is so similar to those I have read here today. I am 33, and have been married for 13 years. Do the math; I married young. I live in a very religious community, which is great, I grew up here and love my home, but there is a lot of emphasis on marriage and having kids.
Things were great for a few years, but after he finished school, and worked for a few years, he got his "dream job" for his "dream company." I thought life was going to be grand. It was, for a while. We have 2 great kids. We bought a comfortable home. I took my roll as wife and mother seriously. I cook, I clean, I carpool, and I have sensible spending habits. I thought I was the woman he wanted to be with. I am a housekeeper, and a cook, but beyond that, I do not exist for him. I tell people he is married to his job, and of course, there is the silly laughter after I say that. "Wow, what a great guy to be so dedicated to his work."
Now we barely speak, or, I should say when I speak, he stares at me. There is no physical contact whatsoever. No hugs, no kissing, no sex. I have said everything I can to try and get a response. I broke down about a month ago and said I couldn't take it anymore. I gave up everything to marry him. Here I am at 33, with no career, no training for a job, no degree, only 2 mouths to feed. Besides working my tail off at being a Mother, I have not had a job for over 10 years. I have no way to support myself or my children if I were to leave this marriage. I verbalized that to him yesterday, and he said he doesn't want a divorce. Of course he doesn't, who would iron his shirts? All jokes aside, I am dying inside. My kids are too. They see it, but why can't he? How long do I do this, and how many chances do you give someone?

I am sure many will give you different advice. Mine is simple: get walking. It is the only way he will see that you are not expendable, you are not his for the asking, you are not a cheap cleaning lady.
You are only 33! you didn't give up anything to marry - you chose to marry this man. Perhaps it was a bad bet - and in this case, you are in time to make something else. You can respect your marriage, be a great mom, AND cultivate other interests outside the home! He is married to his job??? well, go and get one of your own, even better: go back to school. I am sure you will find some friends in your close knit community to help with the kids - go back, and earn your papers. Studying can be done at home, while the kids nap, study, work out, while waiting for the pot roast to be cooked...
The shirts may not be well ironed anymore - maybe you will purchase some no-iron ones (ugly I know, but still looks better than an unhappy life).
Once you are indipendent, you may discover that he is more interested in you again, that there is a conversation again, that your couple is worth salvaging and making the effort. But unless you take a step now, you may never know. Do not accept to remain unhappy today: why would you expect it to get any better?
"You are only 33!"
That's my new motto....
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
A lot of people may disagree, but I believe in ultimatumes. I am 32 and told my husband for about a year "Either work with me on fixing things, or leave." Well, he left me with 3 kids and not a whole lot else........but as much as I am "mourning" the idea of a 'complete' family for my kids and a partner for me, I am a much calmer happier person since he left. He was not a horrible person, but there is nothing more lonely than being alone in a marriage.
Tell him to go to counseling with you, or take a walk.