Am I Selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Am I Selfish?
11
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 6:15pm
This is my first time on this board. I am scared and sad and don't know what to do. I am very unhappy in my marriage and have been since day one for the most part. I don't love him like a husband, he can be a real jerk (that's putting it lightly), smokes pot, drinks too much, and I am not attracted to him which really angers him. I would love to leave and if I didn't have kids it would be as easy as that. But I do. A 1-yo and a 3-yo and I am terrified. Not about being alone. I am very comfortable with that and know that I will be happier alone then where I am, not nervous about the finanical implications- I can figure that out, but absolutely petrified that I am going to ruin my children's lives. Should I ignore my unhappiness for the next 30 plus years? I don't know what to do. My husband says it's selfish of me to want to leave, and that I will never be happy. I need some thoughts here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 6:58pm

I am sorry you have been unhappy from the beginning. I assume you just kept talking yourself into staying until now.

Here's some thoughts ... individual counseling to sort things out for yourself; marriage counseling for both of you; lots of reading, first of books on marriage--there is a fellow--quite well known in marriage field--but can't recall his name--check the bookstore or amazon. Then read some books on kids and divorce: Wisenbluth, Wallerstein, Heatherington.

If it seems like a divorce would be best for everyone, then start planning your exit: employment or schooling options, if necessary; find a lawyer; make sure you know what your assets are and where the documents are.

Gl to you. I am sorry you are suffering. Make sure you have thought it all through and have a clear rationale and a plan, especially to ensure your children's well-being.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:17pm
Thank you for your message. We have been in counseling for 3 years and three different counselors. I have read several marriage books since the beginning- Getting the Love You Want, Making Marriage Work... He can't say I haven't tried. I am going to a counselor on my own next week, and am probably going to contact a lawyer soon, but putting down a lot of cash as a retainer is a scary thought. Reading books on divorce and children is something I really do need to do. Thank you. If anyone has suggestions on books like that, I would love to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:33pm
Your story reminds me so much of myself. I felt from the beginning of my marriage that stbx did not value me in the way I wanted to be. But, I ignored the warning signs and thought that at 34 I might not have the dream of husband, kids, etc. Twenty-three years later after moving all over the country for his job, raising two children, and basically stuffing my feelings of being ignored and devalued constantly, I decided to get divorced. He, too, said I would never be happy, but he just doesn't get it (I, too, spent many months in counseling where he would say that the therapist was on my side when they would tell him he was very passive-aggressive, controlling, uninvolved, etc.). All I can tell you is that my children, now 18 and 21 would have had happier childhoods if I had left years ago. They are almost relieved, although sad, that it's finally happening. Sometimes there isn't outright physical or verbal abuse, but the kids know when things are tense, and they don't see the love that they deserve to use as a model for their own lives. Go with your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:51pm

You shouldn't have to put down a retainer for an initial consult, so don't let that scare you off contacting a few lawyers and inquiring about their fees, their experience, their expertise (i.e. mediation or collaborative or courtroom).

I found an attorney I like who gave me two hours at his one hour fee and wow, did we blast through alot (I came very prepared). It was hugely helpful.

As for books about kids and divorce. Wallerstein, Ahrons, and Heatherington are the big researches in the field -- so any title by any one them (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce; The Good Divorce; For Better or Worse are examples). Also, there is a book called "The truth about children and divorce" which is very recent and very practical that might help. There is the Sandcastles book, as well, with practical suggestions.

Glad you have tried. We did too, or I think I mostly did -- I set up all the appts. and put all the energy into the sessions. Individual helps one sort through things and get some clarity, I think. The reading helps, but can also be tough news.

But, well thought out and well-prepared and really committed to the well-being of the kids is the best way if divorce is the only way.

GL

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:01pm

Thank you so much for your message. That's the kind of thing I needed to hear. I was reading some stuff online earlier that was saying how messed up kids from divorce are, and I was thinking "do I have to put up with this for the rest of my life to prevent my children from having problems?" I know I will be happier and I want to think it will be better for everyone involved in the longrun.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:21pm

hugs to you.

I was in a very unhappy marriage for 17 yrs. I also did the counselling route, read the books etc. Didn't help much. STBX was a manipulative, controlling bully (and continues to be one) and one day I realized that I deserved better. Selfish, yes and no. Your children deserve a happy mom. That will be a great gift to them. Do you want them to grow up thinking your marriage is a model of what marriages should be. My FIL was/is a manipulative controlling bully and I can't help but think that if my MIL had just left when her kids were young maybe things would have been different.

Children survive and thrive despite living in less than ideal situations. Their ability to do well is based more on their ability to cope than how "ideal" their lives are. You can help them cope but you must be able to cope yourself.

One very famous book from way back when was Dr. Spock. He opens the book with the suggestion that you should trust your instincts when it comes to your children. I think it's still good advice. You will find books on the shelves to argue all sides of this situation - they're your children - you can help them through it.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:39pm

As a nearly year-long lurker and user of this board and the "should i stay or should i go" board, it feels so weird to hear someone else saying almost exactly what I did a year ago. All the pain and guilt that I felt was crushing some days. BUT, my relationships with my two daughters (20 and 9) are so wonderful since I moved away from my STBX last August. I got a copy of Helping your kids cope with divorce the Sandcastles way by M. Gary Neumann. Excellent advice. There are lots of children of divorce and not all are screwed up. Clearly there is a way to do it best and typically that is to make it btn you and your H and not the kids. That is tough if one of the two parents isn't willing because then the one parent who is willing has to do it for two. However, in the end, taking the high road, choosing the battles, and learning as much as you can about everything you can so you can make the best decisions is KEY.

I am closing on my first house without him on Friday. He is out of town this wknd so I went to our house (that will eventually be his house) to get some more of my things tonight. I cried and I don't even know why. But it's OK to cry and OK not to know why. You will be doing a lot of that and you must allow yourself to do it. Be strong, but let yourself fall apart from time to time or you will do it when you really don't want to, like in a store or a drive-through or at a park pushing your kid on a swing. (Trust me when I say it is hard to push a kid effectively on a swing when your eyes are full of tears...)

Anyway, I am tired this evening so this may seem a bit rambly, but separating from him is what you have to do to be happy, you will be fine, and your kids will be fine. You have one life to live. How would you like to live it?

And are you being selfish? Absolutely! But why is it not OK for you to be selfish but it is OK for everyone around you to be selfish at your expense? I decided that it was my turn to be MAJORLY selfish for once in my life and do something for me. I have learned to set the guilt aside because it is my choice to feel guilt or not and I have chosen "not".

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 8:22am

This is such a wonderful and helpful board. I am so glad I chose to do this. I have been feeling that way a lot- that my kids would be better off with a happy mom. They won't remember, at this age, a time when we were together. And despite how poorly he treats me, he loves our children a great deal, so they would have two parents who love them unconditionally. I just have to think life is too short to suffer and be miserable all for the sake of my children, who I believe will be ok if they grow up with two loving parents who aren't under the same roof. My parents split up with I was 21, after 25 years of marriage. I found it pretty difficult because they were using me as their therapist, confidante, go-between. Divorce isn't easy at any point, but for me, it's inevitable. If it's not now, then it's later and why not now, when I'm young and have my whole life (well...almost) ahead of me.

The only things holding me back are damaging the kids and how angry my husband is going to be. This is truly tough. I appreciate all of the great advice and support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:20pm

momotwoladies,

You might want to take a look at BPDCentral.com and see if your husband fits the criteria. From here, it looks like it...

It is never selfish to get children out of an unhappy home. You still have the opportunity to show them what a loving relationship is like with someone else, so does your husband. I don't usually advocate divorce, but some situations just absolutely call for it.

shaney13

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 7:31pm

I'm glad you've received some great support and excellent book suggestions here.

Think about this...it's relatively easy to find books about the children of divorce. Some of the books emphasize how awful divorce will be for children, while others give you great tools to help them cope and prosper. It's nearly impossible to find books about children that survived in families where there parents remained married and one or both of the parents were miserable. From my own personal experience, I think remaining in a miserable marriage is equally, if not more, devastating to children than getting divorced.

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