Am I stupid or glutton for mental abuse
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| Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:51pm |
Hi. As Jack Nicholson said in the Shining.....
I'm Back.........
And it's not good.
As a recap, my husband (stbx?) and I got back together in May which was a month before the dissolution hearing. He said he wanted to be with me and work on the marriage and that he would give 100% after he moved in. He basically moved in bit by bit within a few weeks. Meanwhile, I found out he had been seeing some woman while we were separated. Seems as though he started before he moved out and continued after he moved back with me. He promised absolutely no contact, but they continued here and there. His behavior was, and is, inconsistnent. But for the most part, he is NOT trying 100%. I know I'm asking for some things which are difficult for him, but they are certainly not unrealistic or out of line. I asked for:
**NO contact with her (he said they talked as friends and to wrap it up...he later confessed to loving her)
**to wear his wedding ring, which he refuses to do (he says it isn't appropriate until we have a good marriage, but I can't get past his refusal and be "nice" until he does)
** show more affection and attention (he does this inconsistently, which is actually harder on me than NO attention)
** move ALL his things back (he says he's keeping things at his new house for insurance policy reasons)
**quit moping and acting like he's lost his best friend (her)
** go to counseling (refuses, of course)
** go to a medical doctor as we both agree he's depressed and can't get motivated to do much. He finally made an appointment for a few weeks from now...sheesh..should have been done years ago...and who knows if he'll follow through with going/taking meds.
**show and tell he's committed and dedicated
**do thoughtful things (little treats, calls, etc.) Hmmm...in the last three months he did bring me a cappucino (sp?) one morning.
**give me unsolicited reassurances of his fidelity, devotion, love for me
** call her in front of me and tell her that he wants to be with his wife and doesn't want any more contact with her ( he did call her after I found she called him and left a voicemail...he said "you're there and I'm here, and we can't do this anymore." gee, so much for professing his love for me or why he's "here")
**let me see his e-mail and phone bill (he says it'll just drive me crazy seeing her number even if it's infrequent...good excuse)
**refusal to go on a four hour drive to visit my brother and his family next weekend. He says he'd be uncomfortable and we'd fight (yeah...stay home 3 days alone while your wife goes crazy wondering what you're doing)
He isn't happy now and I'm miserable. I have told him many times to just go and even took a lot of his things and dumped them inside his house. He refused to go. I wonder if he's staying with me because I have air conditioning, the children, free utilities, clean sheets/towels,food, etc.. But I think the biggest reason he hasn't run to her is becuse our children know about her and will cause problems if they do get together. So...
My dilemma is whether to wait and see if medication helps him. Will be finally get his act together? Is he finally telling the truth about no communication with her? (he even lied about insignificant things). Should I ignore him and go about my business? I don't want the hassle of moving and dating again. I don't want the children to have two homes. And I do love him for some reason. We have gone through this mental stress and indecision so many times. I'm at the point that I can't be affectionate/intimate with him. He didn't even want it much when he moved in, I had to initiate it and even then it didn't feel "loving". Now he wants it, but I feel angry and deceived . I don't think he had sex with her, but I know they had a mental affair, and he still has feelings for her. He said they were so compatible and she didn't argue with him. Yeah..they don't have a 22 year history and 3 children. Honeymoon period. I can see him thinking that it's not working with us, and it would be easier with her. However, the kids are a big issue as they'll blame her and I will never respect her or be civil. I know I can't as she kept calling a married man when she knew he was at home (supposedly) working on his marriage. I blame the husband too...I think he's kept her on a string just in case we don't work out. Don't want to burn your bridges. He's been just as inconsistent with her.
Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts/advice/sympathy are appreciated! Jo
ps You ladies who can be strong and cut the cord quickly are doing the right thing. It's better to let the wound heal, rather than picking at a scab.

HUGS! Welcome back. I've been thinking about you a lot over the last couple of months and was wondering how you were doing.
First and foremost - do NOT beat yourself up about coming back here or considering divorce again. Like you, it took
Hi there, taking. A view from the other side. As the male, I tried to communicate how emotionally hollow I was becoming to my now STBX over very many years, pleading for counseling. Nothing changed.
She never showed any interest until I finally raised the "D-word". Still nothing happened until I actually gave her a letter from an attorney. Then and only then did she pick out a counsellor, but outside the counsellor's office nothing changed. Once I finally filed, I became the "bad guy" for giving up on the marriage.
Why do I tell you all this? Simply because your situation reminds me of mine. Some spouses really do not want the situation to get better or improve. Somehow they enjoy keeping us under their control or influence. Justice's post mirrors mine: if you had read your own post as a neutral third party, you would advise yourself that there doesn't seem to be anything there to salvage.
I am sure you are neither stupid, nor an abuse glutton. I am also confident that making a break from this would be while difficult now very good for you in the long run, and likely so for your children as well.
Christine,
Thanks! You have always been so supportive, even when you have your own troubles. You have said what I have thought. But to hear someone else say (write) it, makes it so much more valid. I keep telling myself that the problems are due to incompatibility and the way I react to his personality. You're right. Medication won't change his personality. It won't make him suddenly want to help clean his own household. It won't make him more affectionate and attentive, if that isn't his true nature. He hasn't seemed willing to make the effort and do the required work to self-reflect, be consistent, and do what's necessary to not only "save" the marriage, but make it a GOOD marriage. I won't settle for just marriage anymore. I know I deserve a happy and fulfilling marriage. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll be the husband I would like to have. The one I hoped to have when we married. I married not long after turning 20, and didn't really know what I wanted, nor did I really know my future husband.
My s-i-l asked if I'd marry him again if I started dating him as a new person in his life. And the answer was an honest no. I often feel that he wants me when it's convenient for him, when he wants some wifely/motherly duties, or just company. But on the other side, he can be very tender and loving at times and see the husband I've always wanted. The past few days, he has been more attentive and wanting more time with me. When I back off, he becomes more into me. When I'm "needy", he backs off. (Have you read that book...He's Just Not That Into You?...it's an interesting, quick read)
Thanks for sharing your situation with me. It does help to hear someone else's advice and what has happened with their marriage. I guess we all just need to reach that point where we won't take it anymore, and realize there's no hope. But that's just it...I keep getting hints of him/our marriage getting better. At this time, he is staying at his house and I'm waiting to see effort and consistency from him, as well as him actually following through with his doctor visit. When I see these things, then we can discuss him living with his family again. I'm tired of being hurt, and frankly skeptical of his promises. Each time his "changed" behavior reverts quicker. I'm not getting my hopes up at this point, and we are still legally separated. However, our (two) court dates have passed, and we'd have to refile for a dissolution hearing again.
Thanks! Jo
p.s. I can tell you're a great mom. Your son is blessed to have YOU. :)