Am I wrong for being angry at this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Am I wrong for being angry at this?
12
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:49am

My ex just informed me last night that he is taking my daughter on a one week vacation to Myrtle Beach this summer, with his girlfriend. Ok- not only does that mean my little girl is going to be away from me for an entire week, but that she is going to be with his little {profanity} for an entire week bonding and getting closer to her, while being far away from me. Am I wrong for thinking this is wrong? If I actually had a boyfriend, I wouldn't imagine going on a vacation with him & my daughter, I wouldn't want to confuse her. Am I overreacting & out of line?

Lainie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:12am

Your feelings are valid but not realistic. Your daughter is now from a broken family and new people are going to be introduced to her and possibly become a part of her family. I would be more worried if ex was introducing her to a new girl every month but he sounds pretty stable with the gf. If they marry then your daughter will spend a great deal of time with her and bond with her and even love her.

You can continue to try and fight this but it is really a futile fight. Furthermore, your daughter is going to grow to resent your anger if you make her feel guilty or bad for wanting a relationship with the gf.

Have you been in counseling since the divorce to help overcome some of these feelings? If not I would suggest it as it can be very helpful in moving on.

Good luck.

Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:56pm

I understand your frustration and hurt. . .trust me, I do. . .but it is unrealistic (as the previous poster correctly pointed out) to expect that your child won't ever come into contact with your ex's girlfriend or any future male friends you might have.

Try to focus on dealing with your frustration and hurt in a way that doesn't impede upon your daughter's right to have a positive relationship with her father. It isn't easy. . .again, I understand. .but she deserves it.

Best of luck as you work through this and know that I'm working right along side you. My three kids just met the young woman their father left me for. . .so I really do know how hard it is and how much it hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:21pm
HUGS! I know this must be REALLY hard for you. Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do about it. As a mom, I think it's very difficult to get over the fear that you are going to be replaced by someone new and fancier. HOWEVER...no matter how fabulous or fun this gf is, you are still going to be her mom and she will always love you. Just keep being the great mom you've always been. I know it stings like crazy, but maybe this gf will send up being a positive influence in her life down the road. Try to think of it this way - isn't it better for your dd to have even more people in her life that care for her? RIGHT NOW....I know it's nearly impossible to think this way. With time, I think that will change. And make sure to have something fun scheduled for yourself that week!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson




Edited 4/4/2006 1:39 pm ET by cl-justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:33pm

Okay Laine,
I have sooo been down this road. Not wanting the other women no where near my son. It gives you as a mom the feeling that you will be replaced. It took alot of time and effort for me to get over that scary feeling.

Just as step2little said the situation is an unrealistic one. However I totally understand the feeling. At the time my son was 2 and they are very impressionable. How old is your daughter?

Here is something that gave me a better perspective on this situation and helped me get over my fears. First depending on her age she will be or already is in preschool or regular school. While in school they spend a significant amount of time around their teachers and other adults. At the end of the day they come home to MOMMY, MOMMY is the one that is there for them in the middle of the night when they have a bad dream, when they have a tummy ache, or a boo-boo and they want you to kiss it to make it better. MOMMY is the one they call and depend on. No One can ever replace what we are to our children. My sister has watched my son since he was 6 weeks old. 5 days a week for 8-9 hrs a day and you know what, as much love as she gave him, she didnt replace me.

Now he is 3 and when I come there to pick him up he is so estactic, he runs to me and gives me the biggest hug and kiss and once Im there all he wants is me. So no matter who your ex has around your daughter, they cant and wont replace you.

I know believe me that it's hard trying to adjust to the idea of another woman being around your child. Since my ex has been visiting with our son on a "regular basis" recently I have had to deal with this and last week had to hear my little one actually say he wanted to see her. Oh My God was that hard to hear but it didnt kill me or break me down as I know she will never ever be his MOMMY. She can never break that bond him and I have. She is just a stand in babysitter, no more. So gracefully I said okay you will see her later. Step2little also told me that that is a good sign that she is treating him good. So you have to find a way to look at is as a positive and not a negative thing. Use the time to do something wonderful for yourself. Dont think about it (I know easier said then done) but it's okay. As long as she doesnt dare lay a hand on your child. Im sure it will be okay.

Remember Mommy always Rules.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:41pm
Luv, thanks for posting the perspective from someone who has been there/done that. Maybe we should make bumper stickers that say Mommy Always Rules....LOL! I've gotta tell you, I love that one.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 2:13pm
Hey Luv, update us on how this weekend went. I was looking for you yesterday but figured that no news might just be good news and tings went smoothly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:31pm

Hey step,

Hi ya doin. Ex actually gets the baby this weekend. On sunday we went for a walk and he saw a truck like his dad drives and he started saying wanna see daddy. So I told him he would see him soon. We got in the house and later that day he said he wanted to talk to him. I did a slow burn inside but called him and he answered hello, I replied the same and he said I'll call you back, I told him it's not for me it's for jaylen and again said I'll call you back, I said ok.

He called a bit later and I simply told him to hold on and put the baby on the phone. He gave a couple of hi's said some stuff dad didnt understand, i translated then the baby pushed the phone away and i told dad okay it seems as though he's done talking for now, he said okay and I said bye and hung up. Im coming along.......

Its not easy but Im coming along..................

LOL,LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 3:39pm

Those bumper stickers would be cool.

I just hope that I can help someone else because you guys have helped me tremedously. Im still a work in progress but I have progressed and she'll get through this just as I'm doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:09pm

Hi Lainie,


Let me assure you... your daughter will never be confused about who her momma is..... or her daddy (as long as he's a part of her life).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:39pm

Thanks for all of the responses, I really appreciate it! I know it's not realistic for him & his girlfriend to never want to take my daughter anywhere, it's just so hard- especially because I don't have anybody and they are this perfect, happy little couple. But even if I had someone I don't think I would feel comfortable taking her on a trip with us just in case things didn't work out I wouldn't want to confuse her. But that's just me. He can't seem to do anything with our daughter on his own without her help, she's ALWAYS with him. I swear I feel like i'm sharing custody with her, which makes me sick considering I hate her with a passion. I won't go into all the gory details, but we use to be friends...they both claim nothing happened when we were married, just a few weeks after we separated. Convenient. But anyways...
I know it's harmful to my daughter if i'm making her feel like she can't love the girlfriend, so I would never make a negative comment about her (in front of my daughter that is! LOL)
I think it all comes down to the fact that THEY are taking her on a family vacation, when my ex never once wanted to go on a family vacation together- I would have absolutely loved to go somewhere as a family. Now I feel like they have that perfect family, and i'll always be alone. I can't afford to take her on a family vacation. I guess i'm just jealous and feel threatened by her.
By the way, a poster asked how old my daughter is- she is 2 1/2. Still a baby :(

Lainie

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