Am I Wrong to Expect to be Put 1st?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Am I Wrong to Expect to be Put 1st?
25
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:20pm

Hi Everyone,

I am new here and need some serious help. I am a single 33-year old woman who has never been married and has no kids. I have been dating a wonderful 46-year old man who is divorced with 2 kids (ages 12 and 9) for almost a year. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have discussed it and he agrees.

He is a very dedicated father and shares joint custody of the kids with his ex-wife. He actually has them a lot more than she does, as she travels for her job. He ends up with them about 20-25 days per month and is very involved in their lives (coaching sports teams, taking care of all of their life needs, i.e. doctor visits, driving and picking up from dance classes, etc.)

All of that is well and good and I thought I was going into this situation eyes wide open...meaning I know he has many obligations and that his children are very important to him. Which makes me love him even more, as he is such a good father. However, as the serious girlfriend and future wife, I expect to be first in his life (provided, of course, I am good to him and his kids!) I know his kids are important, but I do not feel that it is reasonable for their needs/feelings/thoughts to come first. And today we finally had this talk (more like an argument) and when I asked him if I am the most important thing in his life, he couldn't answer and told me that I was being unfair by making him "choose" between me and his kids. I disagreed and told him that is not what I was trying to do...I was just trying to ascertain my value in his life and to determine if I would always be last in the family pecking order. Again, he couldn't answer and said he needs more time to think about how to answer.

My question is this: as his future wife, is it realistic and fair for me to expect to come first in his life? I am very good to his kids and do not begrudge them the time they get from him. We do many fun things together and get along well. But if there is a situation where they want something one way and I want it another way, my needs are completely cast aside and he tells me his first priority in life is to take care of his kids.

Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is he wrong for treating me the way he does and focusing completely on his kids (often times, at the expense of me and my wants/needs)? I really need some help as I like to think of myself as a generally good and selfless person. I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect my future husband to put my needs first.

Please help, as I am devastated and heartbroken at the thought of ending this relationship. I just don't know of any alternatives at the moment and refuse to settle for anything less than what I feel that I (and everyone else) deserve from a relationship.

Please – just give it to me straight, as life is too short to waste time. Thank you!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:55pm
You will never be first, nor should you be. As a single mother, this is something we go into relationships looking for... a man who knows and understands our commitment that our CHILDREN COME FIRST. Being back-burnered or ignored is a different story, but nope, his kids will, and should always come first. This is why as a single mom, I would never date a man who doesn't have a child or children of his own... takes one to know one, I believe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:20pm
Even in a marriage where both are the biological parents of the children, good parents put their children first. It is too much to ask a good father to suddenly put the kids in second place. It is a parents duty to make sure the kids grow up happy and healthy. I think demanding that the kids 'not' come first is not very fair to him. Consider that it seems like he is also putting HIMSELF second to the kids. The only time it might be of a concern is if the kids are the ONLY thing in his life, and he doesn't allow room for anyone else. But it didn't sound like this is the issue. The guy may be trying very hard to make time for the relationship, but at the same time making sure the kids have their needs met. That is an extremely stressful position to be in as a parent, and a bit of understanding goes a long way. As a single mother, I find it very stressful to juggle work, household, and child, while trying to make sure everybody's needs are met. Unfortunatley my own are sometimes left out for lack of time. It is so very very difficult. And I imagine if what I described is the case for your bf, it is that much more stressful to be backed into a corner where you have to start reassigning priorities. If he is making the effort to invest time in the relationship, and not being neglectful to you, I think he is doing a good job, even if it means that romantic dinner out is going to be an hour later because of a ballet recital or a softball championship that went a bit over time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:36am

I personally think you are either very selfish, or very naive. I hope its naive - & honestly, from your post, thats how it sounds.


We *ALL* want to come 1st in our lovers lives .... but kids change things. A lot.


He is their father 1st, & yoru boyfreind 2nd. I pray that if my dd;s father ever gets into a realtionship, it will be that way. But she cant even come 1st NOW, b4 his angry feelings of punsihing me ... so thats not liekly. but i could meet the absolute man of my dreams - & as much as i would validate his feelings & try to make him know how much i loved him, etc - in the end, there is NO question my child comes 1st & formost.


Good luck, you will need it if you dont change your tune. & maybe its b/c this ISNT the best situation for you. Maybe you need to find someoen w/o kids - & thats fine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 6:04am

Thanks everyone, for your responses. I guess I should have stated in my original post that I have been of the school of thought that your spouse always comes first. I have been taught in church and have heard many people I know say that this is the key to a successful marriage...even if you end up having kids, if the husband and wife always put each other first, the household will be a happy one and the kids will flourish by seeing such a loving relationship between their mother and father.

I guess the main issue here is that this no longer applies if you are the 2nd wife/husband. Which, in essence means that the 1st wife/husband (or "biological" mother/father) is entitled to a higher value in the marriage than a step mother/father. This is a tough pill to swallow, but if that's how it is, then that's how it is, I suppose. It's better I understand this now rather than later. I don't want to end up divorced in a year and that's probably what would have happened if I had gone into this thinking that the "golden rule" of putting your spouse first would apply in my relationship.

I would be interested to hear everyone's thoughts on this...in the "original" biological marriage, should your spouse always come first (even before kids)? If yes, why should this be any different in the 2nd marriage?

Thanks all.




Edited 3/16/2006 7:07 am ET by justdi315
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:07am

I guess I would want to know what you mean by putting being put first. Can you give some examples of how their needs get put before yours? I THINK I understand what you are saying but some examples would help. Thanks!!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:10am


I don't really know if it's right or wrong to put a spouse first over children. I'm sure that's something that could be debated endlessly, depending on one's religion, background, feelings about family, etc.


But yes TAKING CARE of his children really needs to be top priority in his life. That doesn't necessarily mean they always come first, but these are children, and they need to be cared for.


Maybe if you gave us some examples of how he puts them first all the time that would be helpful.

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:13am

Often the marriage comes first, however, that's in the case that the biological parents are married. I have three little boys and after their father and I first separated he immediately started focusing all attention on his gf. This hurt the boys SOOO badly and the damage is nearly beyond repair. Spencer has been left with some MAJOR anger issues and Benji cries a lot and asks for his dad. For a short time their dad and his gf broke up. During that time the kids came first and he was GREAT with them. Then, about a month or so later, the gf came back around and my ex went back to putting her first. Now when I tell the boys they are going to see their dad they scream and cry. Spencer is always saying how much he hates his father and the gf.


Really, if you ARE first in his life the kids are going to end up resenting you in a big way, and I'm sure that you do not want that at all. Please don't think I'm being accusatory or judgmental in asking this, but, is it possible that on some level you feel that his kids are a constant reminder of his ex? Just wondering, trying all possibilities!!!


If it were me (and you're not, but this is what I would do), I would talk to him about the argument and probably apologize for his feeling that you were forcing him to choose between the kids and yourself. Obviously that was not your intent, but that was the result and I'm sure that you feel bad that he was left feeling that way. Then, I'd talk about a compromise. Just tell him that you are feeling very left out and neglected, you understand that the kids are very important to him and that is completely valid and really a good thing. It really is wonderful to see a father so involved in their children's lives, sadly, it's not a very common thing. Is there a way he could cut back a bit on coaching? Maybe only do it for every other season or something like that? Or maybe only go to everyother away game? I know one thing that has worked for many is having a 'date night'. That way you have one night per week that is for the two of you and NOTHING comes before it (with the exception of an emergancy with a child). Or, having 20 minutes at the end of the day that you sit down and talk about your day. It's going to take real, intentional work. I know that the biggest problem with my ex is that he thought a relationship should just fall into place, with no effort at all. Well, that's just not true, especially when you have children involved.


First and foremost, if it were me, I'd apologize for the earlier argument. I bet he's very stressed out about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:43am

It's a very fine line you are walking, isn't it?

Look at it this way. If these kids were YOURS, chances are, you would be the one putting their needs before your own and your husbands. We all do it! My husband couldn't bear to be in 3rd place, and it cost him dearly. He could not understand the difference between wanting to feel as though his needs were first, and actually needing to BE first.

He is still angry with me that I refused to go to Europe with him when I had a three year old and a three month old breast fed baby at home. See what I mean? He didn't really want to go to Europe right then, he just wanted me to SAY that leaving our kids and putting him first was important to me. A little like when my daughter tells me she is hungry and begs for food, when in reality she is bored and starved for attention. Only he never grew out of it.

Enough about me. I think both you and your significant other need to have a heartfelt conversation about identifying the difference between wanting to feel first, and managing the individual situations in which you feel a conflict arising. No one on this board can debate those situations with you...only the two of you can judge. (You didn't give any concrete examples so i'll throw a few out just for the sake of discussion, I don't want you to think I'm trivializing your needs.) Is it possible you are struggling for power with them at times instead of really just wanting to watch Survivor instead of American Idol, or your church instead of theirs, or an amusement park instead of the beach? If you can identify what triggers the power struggle, you can choose your battles more effectively and get your way when it is truly important to you.

I think you are very lucky to have found a man who has placed his children first. Do you know how rare that is? Given the difference in your ages (which is NOT a big deal, IMHO, just an indication of the difference in your stage of life) and the ages of his children, you are going to have to find a way to deal with this AND keep this guy.

Have you considered short term counseling or a step parenting support group? There are a LOT of options to explore before you dump this guy. And if you do break up, send him my way!!!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:45am

First I have a few questions in order to form a better opinion.

How long have the 2 of you been together?

Are you living together?

What is your relationship like with the children?

What is your relationship like with BF?

Does he treat you like an adult or as though you are one of the kids?

The reason I ask the last is because I was in your situation.When I met my now ex, he had 2 girls from first marriage. I was only 18 and his daughters were 12 and 6. I was closer in age to his oldest DD than I was with him by a year. He told me right off that he couldn't be involved with anyone who didn't love his kids as well. I was still pretty nieve. I'm now 34 and have 2 girls of my own with him. However he always treated me as an equal to his oldest DD. Wouldn't let me go out for long periods of time except grocery shopping. The age difference between us made a big difference. I'm not saying this is your exact sittuation but this is mine. This could get into a really long story.So if you would like to know more let me know. I'm glad you are trying to figure things out before making a commitment. It will be better for everyone in the long run. If you could answer some more questions ,I think you would be able to get much more informed advice.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 7:49am

Hi Justdi. Give it to you strait you ask? Well, here it is: His children will come before you any time. ALWAYS. You do not have any children and have accepted to be with a man who happens to have 2. You cannot expect him to put you above his children. Seeing that you don't have any kids (yet) you just don't realize how important it is to put those kids first. Maybe you are starting to realize it and do not like it. If you want to stay with this man, you are going to have to accept the fact that his kids come first. Period. Don't make him choose between you and his children on who should come first, because honey, you will lose. It sounds like you are having a harder time 'sharing' him as time goes on. You say you love him, then his kids are a package deal. And they will always come first. Sorry to be so brutal about this, but I know I am right on this one. Package deal hun. End of story.

Try to find a way to be more independent while being with this man. And who knows, maybe you'll never accept the fact that kids come first, and you will end up leaving him. But either way, do not ask him to choose. That would be a grave mistake. You will lose. Good luck to you. Pam

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