Am I Wrong to Expect to be Put 1st?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:20pm |
Hi Everyone,
I am new here and need some serious help. I am a single 33-year old woman who has never been married and has no kids. I have been dating a wonderful 46-year old man who is divorced with 2 kids (ages 12 and 9) for almost a year. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have discussed it and he agrees.
He is a very dedicated father and shares joint custody of the kids with his ex-wife. He actually has them a lot more than she does, as she travels for her job. He ends up with them about 20-25 days per month and is very involved in their lives (coaching sports teams, taking care of all of their life needs, i.e. doctor visits, driving and picking up from dance classes, etc.)
All of that is well and good and I thought I was going into this situation eyes wide open...meaning I know he has many obligations and that his children are very important to him. Which makes me love him even more, as he is such a good father. However, as the serious girlfriend and future wife, I expect to be first in his life (provided, of course, I am good to him and his kids!) I know his kids are important, but I do not feel that it is reasonable for their needs/feelings/thoughts to come first. And today we finally had this talk (more like an argument) and when I asked him if I am the most important thing in his life, he couldn't answer and told me that I was being unfair by making him "choose" between me and his kids. I disagreed and told him that is not what I was trying to do...I was just trying to ascertain my value in his life and to determine if I would always be last in the family pecking order. Again, he couldn't answer and said he needs more time to think about how to answer.
My question is this: as his future wife, is it realistic and fair for me to expect to come first in his life? I am very good to his kids and do not begrudge them the time they get from him. We do many fun things together and get along well. But if there is a situation where they want something one way and I want it another way, my needs are completely cast aside and he tells me his first priority in life is to take care of his kids.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is he wrong for treating me the way he does and focusing completely on his kids (often times, at the expense of me and my wants/needs)? I really need some help as I like to think of myself as a generally good and selfless person. I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect my future husband to put my needs first.
Please help, as I am devastated and heartbroken at the thought of ending this relationship. I just don't know of any alternatives at the moment and refuse to settle for anything less than what I feel that I (and everyone else) deserve from a relationship.
Please – just give it to me straight, as life is too short to waste time. Thank you!!!

Pages
Here is a web site and phone number you could check out. They should be able to help you as well: www.stepfam.org or (800)735-0329
This is for the Stepfamily Association of America.Hopr this helps.
K:)
I'm not going to argue whether it's right or wrong, but it sounds like you need him to put you first and he is not able to do so. You will either need to learn how to accept that about him or find a way to move on. He won't change once you are married.
Well, honestly, yes... you are fighting a losing battle if you even think this deserves a pecking order.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi JustDi,
I came back to respond to your second post about putting marriage first. This is indeed a legitimate school of thought and it works for many couples. You are not out of line in attempting to apply this to your relationship. And I dont think you are selfish. BUT The only way this really works is if a couple agrees on this prior to having children.
Putting the marriage first has lots of definitions, and there is only one way for you to find out what is reasonable for you and your SO. You are just going to have to talk about it!!!
And look at it from the other side; if YOu are putting his needs first, and his need is to be an exemplary father (out of guilt, or love, or attempting to be superdad since mom isn't around much, or whatever his reasons) then your role might just be to support him in that quest, even if it means putting your own needs aside for the moment.
Tricky, isn't it?
I went through this in a way with my Ex and my Inlaws. He catered to them and excluded me, my needs and my opinions more times than I can count. So I can say I know what it feels like!!!
Susie
Hi everyone – it’s justdi again! I want to let you all know how much I TRULY, DEEPLY, appreciate all of your time and thought in responding to my post. I told myself going into this that I would likely get a lot of differing opinions (some which may not be what I wanted to hear!) but that was precisely what I was looking for…I just needed to hear the truth. Thank you for sharing your opinions with me.
A lot of you had questions – particularly surrounding the issue of some “examples” of how he puts his kids first many times. Well, here it goes.
- I didn’t mention that we are in a long-distance relationship and we only see each other (if we are lucky) every few weeks. He is only “technically” supposed to have his kids on the weekends and his ex is supposed to be the main custodial parent. However, he caters to her job (and travel) schedule and has them about 20-25 days per month. What a guy…paying all that child-support for no reason – she should be paying him (that’s a different subject altogether…don’t want to harp about the ex too much…this is about him, me, and the kids). He just can’t stand to be without them. Even when she is home, he often has his son with him. So what I am saying is he generally has at least one of his kids at his house at any given time. So…basically what this means is when I visit him and his kids are there (which is most of the time), any of our “adult” activities go by the wayside…this ranges from going out for dinner/drinks/dancing, to being openly affectionate (we are NOT affectionate around his kids, aside from some minor handholding on rare occasions), to actually being able to sleep together (we do not sleep in the same bed when he has his kids, out of respect for them). So, at times, my visits are very unfulfilling because his kids are there when they weren’t originally supposed to be there (hey, don’t they have a mother?) As you might imagine, she’s not the greatest mother that ever lived. And…even when she is around…he still does all of the running around (sports games, dance class, clothes shopping, etc.) She doesn’t lift a finger. Also, even when he does make it a point to schedule some alone time for us (pretty rare) his kids are constantly calling for trivial things ("Daddy, I want eggs and Mommy won't buy them for me!") BOTTOM LINE: I think we need more adult time and the kids should be with their mother when it is her visitation time (with some exceptions, of course).
-We have been together for about a year and are not living together (we are in different states.)
-My relationship with his children is generally good. I do feel love for them, as they are his children and how can I not love something that came from him? They like me and I like them very much. We have fun. Things turned a bit sour after their mother tried to drive a wedge. That’s a whole different talk show that would take up WAY too much time to explain. No, I am not the reason they divorced…they were divorced (only a couple of months) before I came into the picture. However, I am the lucky one who gets the honor of being the first serious “post divorce” girlfriend. So of course, she resents my existence (honestly folks, I’ve never even met the woman – she just hates me). She can’t handle anyone being around her kids (even though she’s never there!) So yeah…she has thrown some complication into the mix. But we are surviving and he is trying to tell his kids the truth without badmouthing their mother. Again, what a guy…!
-My relationship with my boyfriend is the best thing I have ever experienced (of course, aside from my feelings of being second fiddle). Person to person, he treats me great. When kids are there, the focus is almost completely on them (where they want to eat, what they want to do, what they want to watch on TV, how much of his time they require to play games, etc.) You’d think the guy could set aside some devoted adult time for the girlfriend who only visits every few weeks, right? Truly…when they are there, they dominate. Period. There are times when I feel like I wasted the trip because we don’t get to be affectionate or spend time alone at all. What ever happened to telling your kids to go to bed and them actually doing it? His kids go to bed when they want to (and when I am there, they stay up all dang night!)
I wanted to add some additional info that you didn’t really ask for, but I will tell you anyway, as I feel it adds insight. The relationship he has with his kids is unlike any I have ever seen (man or woman). He is attentive almost to a fault. He is there for their every move (he sits with them for hours each night while they do their homework – what ever happened to kids being told to do their homework and then leaving them alone to do it??) Sure, you should check their work, but come on folks…do you have to sit there the entire time and work on every problem with them? How are they learning? He cooks every meal (what ever happened to a 12 year old making his/her own sandwich??) He does all the chores (they do not lift a finger, seriously). Also, and this is the one that gets me most…he has to go to bed when they go to bed because they all sleep together (yes, a 9 and 12 year old). NOOOO, nothing creepy about it at all, believe me! It started after they were born and their mother was raised in a “family bed” situation and she insisted that the kids always sleep with them. As a result, this is what they are used to. He hasn’t tried to break the pattern (though he claims he wants to). This is just a SERIOUS co-dependency that is very troubling to me at times. I mean…how am I ever going to fit into this situation???? I WILL NOT have kids in bed with me. They should go to their own beds. Truly folks, his kids are just really over-indulged and I fear for their futures. They haven’t had to struggle or work for anything. He buys them whatever they want and caters to their every need. This is the situation I am facing. I am not sure anyone could deal with this (let alone a woman who was raised to believe that in a marriage, your spouse comes first).
Having said all of this, I am a little terrified of your responses. Some may think I am whining, while some may understand my concern and my serious dilemma in loving a man who is so completely wrapped up in his kids and can't seem to ever say the word "no" to them. Trust me...if/when I have kids, they will be raised differently. Please help me!!!
Edited 3/16/2006 8:14 pm ET by justdi315
Edited 3/16/2006 8:15 pm ET by justdi315
Edited 3/16/2006 8:17 pm ET by justdi315
I've been thinking about how to answer your question. . . and there is no simple answer.
I think that the 'put the marriage first' approach is a very valid approach, but I don't know how realistic that approach is once you're talking about a marriage in which one (or both) partners have children. If it were as easy as 'put the marriage first', second marriages/blended marriages would fair better than they do, statistically speaking.
I fully admit, however, that I see your question from the perspective of a mother (3 kids- 15 yo dd, nearly 8 yo dd, and 5 yo son) who is dating a gentleman who is a father (13 yo dd and 11 yo dd). We are new to dating each other, but I absolutely expect that our respective children's NEEDS (not necessarily wants, but NEEDS) will take priority over WANTS related to our relationship or our time together.
Since examples often help, I'll give you two examples:
1) Last Friday my bf and I were out at a social event for his work. His daughter called and he excused himself to take the call (she lives in CA, we're in KS). I absolutely expected him to take the call, even if only briefly. He was gone 10-15 minutes and when he told me what they talked about, I fully support him NEEDING to take the call (it wasn't just a 'hi, dad how are you' kind of call.)
2) Tuesday, my oldest wanted to go out with friends when I had a dinner date with my bf already arranged. Since she's grounded from weeknight socializing (due to grades/not turning in homework), there was no way I was giving in to that 'want'. She tried to pitch a fit. . .no deal, babe. . .she watched her younger brother & sister while I went to dinner (yes, she's paid for babysitting).
You're going to have to realize, IMHO, that second marriages/blended families aren't as cut & dry or black & white as first marriages. I'd also suggest some couples counseling with an objective third party before you invest more time/effort into this relationship given your feelings about marriage & parenting. . .and your SO's feelings.
Best of luck to you. . .
It sounds to me like he has some guilt from the divorce and is trying to make sure his kids don't feel any pain from it. It's hard to get divorced when you have kids. Well...it's always hard but moreso when you have kids because you have this guilt of messing up or changing their lives when it's not their fault. You don't ever want them to feel an ounce of pain. But it does seem like he's going overboard and he may need some counseling, along with the kids, to help them.
I feel for you....I don't see how you could have a healthy marriage if he continues feeling this guilt and need of indulging his kids every want. The problem is not that he's not putting you first.....it's that he's giving into his kids every whim. No parent, divorced or not, should ever do that.
Sinceyou like the straight shooting here goes.
Don't go any further with this man. He has waaayyyy to much baggage. If you are after a year of seeing each other not able to put together time for each other It probably won't ever happen. Have you ever talked about having kids with him? After all you are 33. How long would he want to wait? He did after all just get out of a marriage. I met my ex when I was 18. He had only been divorced for a few weeks. After dating 4 months he proposed. I was pretty young and nieve and wish I had thought to ask the questions you are now.
He started dating while we were seperated then seriously after we divorced. He now has a live-in GF and a new baby and she still isn't final on her Divorce. You really have to step back and take a good hard look at your situation and ask yourself if you want to try and change all that you don't approve of or would you rather keep this guy as a really good friend and find someone with whom you can grow with together?
I wish I would have listened to my mother. She told me several time that my ex had to much baggage.It's really easy to fall for a guy who shows such compassion for his kids.My ex did then I realised it was just something he showed me to attract me to him more. Not saying he really doesn't care,he just doesn't show it all the time and is nolonger his top priority. I really hope the best for you. From where I stand there's alot of crap to go through before you even have a small chance of it working. I would als talk to him about your feelings. It's possible he has the kids there when you come over because he is afraid to commit to a new relationship. It may only be your companionship he is after.
Good Luck,
K:)
You are an adult. You can take care of yourself. The children cannot. At 12 and 9 they need their father to put them first. That doesn't mean he can't hire a babysitter and take you out to a nice dinner. It does mean if his daughter has a dance recital and you have a work function -- he is going to the dance recital -- and he should.
The bad news is yes at this stage in his children's lives their needs come first. The good news is in about 9 years you will get to have him to yourself. Does this mean if his daughter (God forbid) gets pregnant and has to come home and you say no that he will abandon his daughter? Of course not. But if you let him put his children first now they have a really good chance of growing up to be responsible adults, which means you can have him pretty much all the time.
If you aren't ready to put the children's needs first -- before your own -- you have no business marrying a man with children -- period. Children need to be first. They need to be protected, cherished and have their needs meet. Mothers know this. If you are never planning to be a mother and you cannot understand that he has to be a single parent 20-25 days out of the month with ALL that entails -- dump him. He cannot put you above his children.
Good luck finding a single man with no children. It sounds like that is what you need. You are not ready for the committment children bring -- which is to set aside your needs (within reason) and put the children first -- until they are grown up.
Nancy
nolson_golden
Proud Parent of 3: Tiara, Tawnya and Tannessa
Grandmother of 2: Richard and Matthew
Pages