Am I Wrong to Expect to be Put 1st?
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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 7:20pm |
Hi Everyone,
I am new here and need some serious help. I am a single 33-year old woman who has never been married and has no kids. I have been dating a wonderful 46-year old man who is divorced with 2 kids (ages 12 and 9) for almost a year. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have discussed it and he agrees.
He is a very dedicated father and shares joint custody of the kids with his ex-wife. He actually has them a lot more than she does, as she travels for her job. He ends up with them about 20-25 days per month and is very involved in their lives (coaching sports teams, taking care of all of their life needs, i.e. doctor visits, driving and picking up from dance classes, etc.)
All of that is well and good and I thought I was going into this situation eyes wide open...meaning I know he has many obligations and that his children are very important to him. Which makes me love him even more, as he is such a good father. However, as the serious girlfriend and future wife, I expect to be first in his life (provided, of course, I am good to him and his kids!) I know his kids are important, but I do not feel that it is reasonable for their needs/feelings/thoughts to come first. And today we finally had this talk (more like an argument) and when I asked him if I am the most important thing in his life, he couldn't answer and told me that I was being unfair by making him "choose" between me and his kids. I disagreed and told him that is not what I was trying to do...I was just trying to ascertain my value in his life and to determine if I would always be last in the family pecking order. Again, he couldn't answer and said he needs more time to think about how to answer.
My question is this: as his future wife, is it realistic and fair for me to expect to come first in his life? I am very good to his kids and do not begrudge them the time they get from him. We do many fun things together and get along well. But if there is a situation where they want something one way and I want it another way, my needs are completely cast aside and he tells me his first priority in life is to take care of his kids.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is he wrong for treating me the way he does and focusing completely on his kids (often times, at the expense of me and my wants/needs)? I really need some help as I like to think of myself as a generally good and selfless person. I just don't think it's unreasonable to expect my future husband to put my needs first.
Please help, as I am devastated and heartbroken at the thought of ending this relationship. I just don't know of any alternatives at the moment and refuse to settle for anything less than what I feel that I (and everyone else) deserve from a relationship.
Please – just give it to me straight, as life is too short to waste time. Thank you!!!

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Children should come first in any marriage. First, second, fifteenth, if by being first you mean putting the children's needs above the adults. I don't mean the children's wants. Of course, if your child wants the new X box and you need groceries you buy the groceries. But if my husband and I want to go out to a romantic dinner and my daughter gets sick guess what? There goes the romantic dinner. If my husband wants a new car and my daughter needs braces -- guess what? My daughter gets braces.
I have had the first marriage and my husband didn't put his children first. I did and it didn't work. Why? Because both parents have to be adults. Having children is a committment. It basically says, I will put the children's NEEDS above my own until they are able to take care of themselves. This is true in any marriage, and it makes sense. Why? The children didn't ask to be born. A child can't get a job, pay bills, make the right decisions -- adults can. So adults have to be the responsible ones, who put the children first.
I hope I explained this right. Children's needs come first. The husband and wife should place the good of their children, and their family above everything else. That means they cleave unto one another before all others -- but it also means they put the children's needs above their own.
nolson_golden
Proud Parent of 3: Tiara, Tawnya and Tannessa
Grandmother of 2: Richard and Matthew
Oh, my gosh no! You are not whining!
Given their ages: he needs to set some boundaries for these children or they are going to run amok before he knows it. On some levels his attentiveness is nice and they will benefit from it.
But: Calling him when they are with mom because she won't let them have their way AND letting them stay up until whenever AND not giving them responsibilities of their own is just not gonna work. Kids that age should definitely have chores. All that is going to bite him on the butt.
And frankly, if you are a long distance date and only schedule to see him occasionally, he NEEDs to commit to that time. Is that how he models responsiblity to his kids? He sounds terribly irresponsible and non-committal to me. How is that good for him? He has no time to himself.
I can see how it would be tempting to 'help' him parent his kids more effectively for the benefit of all. Please don't go there. He isn't ready.
But I think at this stage of your relationship (and it sounds like you are a bit ahead of him on the committment scale), you need to SCHEDULE date time with him. THen when you show up to find the children are present when they weren't expected, Give him a kiss and say thanks, but no thanks. Very politely get in your car and drive away, go back home. When he calls to schedule time again, make sure he understands that a date is a date.
Imagine if you moved to be closer to him (Not even in with him). He would still continue to jerk you around.
Edited 3/17/2006 2:27 pm ET by watershed2006
WOW - I think you guys hit the nail on the head...his children's NEEDS should always come first. However, this should not necessarily be the case regarding their WANTS. This makes it crystal clear. How profound...why didn't I think of this on my own? The only trouble is, I don't think my boyfriend knows the difference between wants and needs...all he sees is his kids asking for something and he feels it is his duty as a parent to drop everything (including me) and fulfill their wishes. I truly think he believes this is what a good parent should do. I don't agree. This answers my question! My issue isn't about him having kids/not putting me first...it's that he over-indulges his children.
Thank you all - you have helped so much. THIS is probably gonna be a losing battle, I fear. If he is so dead-set on how he is raising his kids (and thinks he's doing it the best way he can) he is not going to listen to me. He will only think I am being critical and jealous. But, if we break up and he has to try the dating thing again (remember, I am the first person he has gotten serious with after the divorce) he will find out that I wasn't so off the wall in my analysis of his situation. No woman in her right mind would agree with the way he raises his kids. I guess I have known that I had serious issues with his parenting style, but I was in denial. I wanted to believe that my situation is common. I no longer believe this is the case...this is a unique situation of extreme co-dependency and over-indulgence. His kids scream and yell and are out of control much of the time. They also treat him very disrepectfully and rarely get punished. No wonder. Jeez. NOW WHAT? Guess it's time to move on, since who am I to tell someone how to raise their kids?? He is going to do what he wants and feel completely justified in doing so (out of guilt, fear, sadness, or whatnot). It won't change. Too bad...he really is the best person I know in every other way. So warm and giving and caring. He treats me so very well every way but this one. But sadly, this is a HUGE one. I don't think he and I will make it and I am very, very sad about that. But I don't think there is any other alternative at this point.
Thank you all and have a great weekend.
Edited 3/17/2006 9:21 pm ET by justdi315
I agree with Nicknat that it sounds like your bf is experiencing feelings of guilt as a result of his divorce and is trying to "make it up" to his kids. My dad was that way to a certain degree after he and my mom divorced. I remember several times when he was in the middle of sheetrocking and painting his house and I called at 7:00 at night because I didn't like the clothes I had to wear to school and wanted to go shopping for something to wear the next (looking back I realize what a brat I was!) He would drop everything to come rushing over so we could get to the stores before they closed. I agree there is a time the needs of the kids come first, but there are occassions when it will be okay for him to say no. It sounds like he needs to set some boundaries with the kids and allow himself to have his own life...it's all about balance and reassurance.
If you want a future with him, maybe you sit down and find a way to talk it out with him and carefully "enlighten" him from an outsiders perspective. Maybe he needs to go through some counseling to help deal with his feelings as well.
Virgogirl - where in Kansas do you live? I lived in Wichita my entire life until I moved to Dallas a few years ago!
Justdi,
I think it is an indication of your maturity that you were able to read all this, take what was useful and ignore the rest. Some of what we threw at you could have put you on the defensive and turned you off to what was valid for you.
You must be a pretty cool gal to process all this in such a short period of time and make a decision for yourself. I wish you luck with whatever else comes your way!
Susie
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