Am I wrong with my kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Am I wrong with my kids?
2
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:02pm
I'm in the divorce process. It's been 7 mos since I told him that I wasn't willing to deal with the other women anymore after 29yrs of marriage. He sat a few minutes, said he didn't know what to think and got up packed and left. He had been constantly seeking other women for the past 4yrs (and sporadically the whole marriage) and the latest one was a very public, in the face relationship. I knew that I was feeling to be littled and humilated to keep allowing his behavior any longer. The problem: he denies everything. He brought the girlfriend to meet his dad out of state, went on dates and moved in with her and her kids within 3months. My 4 kids, the youngest being 19 and in college, the oldest being married. My kids wont' let me express my heartache. They tell me they don't want to hear it. I feel let down by them. I know I'm not suppossed to involve them. I just feel like they only consider their pain and don't support me and mine. All but one have a relationship with him that is like business as usual. I guess that is what hurts. This divorce stuff makes you carry so much by yourself.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:29pm

This is meant in the kindest possible way... I know you're hurt and confused, and under a lot of stress because of your divorce.

Sometimes divorce is harder on the adult kids. I do not discuss my divorce, or confide with my 19y/o son... from the child's (even adult children) point of view, their entire world has been turned upside down. They're dealing with their own pain, so I'd say try to confide in a friend, as opposed the kids. I've found that it's best to try not to involve them... they may feel as if the have to take sides, and it's probably very awkward for them.

Yes, you do have to take on a lot during the process... My X involved our kids recently (he manipulated them is the way I see it)-- he told older DS it "hurt too much" to come over for a post-Thanksgiving dinner (the kids were looking forward to seeing him)... I was FURIOUS when I found out that he'd involved the kids-- it made me look like "the mean mom who made dad go away and now he's so sad". X told the older one that it "hurt too much" (which was BS), but the 10 y/o knew what had happened... X dropped him off the afternoon of our planned dinner, and went back to the GF's house afterward. The kids were fighting about which was true, so I had to referee. In the end, they were doubly disappointed when it all came out in the open. It doesn't do the kids any favors if you involve them.

My own parents were divorced when I was 8 (31 years ago), but I SO appreciate my mom not involving me or my brother. She has since admitted to me that she had to "suck it up" a lot during the most difficult times-- because she didn't want us to hate our dad (OR her), and it wasn't our place to be her confidante.

I'd suggest expressing your pain to a friend, or a counselor. I've done this myself, and it's very helpful to get a different perspective from a neutral party.

Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 2:12pm

"I feel let down by them. I know I'm not suppossed to involve them. I just feel like they only consider their pain and don't support me and mine."

I'm sorry that you feel alone in this. But I do agree that you cannot look to your children to bouy you up about this divorce. You are the Mom. They are the kids, grown or not. These boards, other (older) family, clergy and counselors are all more appropriate for you to turn to. I'm sorry that your husband was so cruel. I know how much it hurts. And it will for a time. But you will see the light at the end of that tunnel one day, and then you will have a bright new life. Hang in there!