Amicable divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Amicable divorce
8
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:39pm

I realize from reading the posts that there are situations here that range from pretty ugly to relatively smooth. As a result, the experiences and recommendations vary.

I would like input from those who experienced amicable divorces, who shared a home, who both worked and who have children under 10.

1) How long was the process from filing to finish
2) How did you set up custody
3) Did you use lawyers or a mediator
4) Did either of you move out of the house before the divorce was finalized

Any other information that you feel is relevant would be helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:20am

I just wrote something related to this that I'm going to post pretty soon with the subject "If you have children".

To answer your questions:
1) How long was the process from filing to finish
Actually, filing to finish was all done in one day, basically. My X & I had 3 meetings with our mediator, sorting out general info at the first two, and at the third meeting we signed all papers including the initial filing and the final separation agreements. There was a delay of a couple of months between the second meeting, when we basically agreed all terms, and the last/third, where we signed everything, but only because our mediator was busy with other cases & then went out of town. Our state then has a mandatory 6-month waiting period, but basically nothing happens, so overall if we first met with the mediator in February, signed & filed everything on May 1st, we'd be legally divorced on November 1st.

2) How did you set up custody
We left it really, really vague. Don't know if you can do that in every state. Legally it says Primary Physical custody to me with "reasonable parenting time" for dad (visitation), Joint Legal custody. No details were specified. In practise, the kids are with their dad 2 weekends a month, with me the rest of the time, and I set up the calendar. So far this has worked ok, but mostly because their dad agrees it's best for the kids (and easier for him!). We can change this any time any way we want to. If one of us is unhappy, if necessary, we could turn to a court to sort it out. So far, we prefer to just talk.

3) Did you use lawyers or a mediator
One mediator, who happens to also be a lawyer, acted for us both. We could have also consulted lawyers, but figured it was a waste of money. We had roughly equal incomes for our entire marriage, neither was asking for alimony or court ordered child support (altho that could be changed in the future if necessary/desired). Maybe one of us might have gotten a lot more money if we'd fought over it, but it would also have cost us a lot more, and turned us into enemies, which would only have hurt us & the kids even more. In practise, he gives me money for child support, but it is voluntary. Again, if I needed to, I could turn to the courts to order it, but so far, talking works.

4) Did either of you move out of the house before the divorce was finalized
I moved out, with the kids, almost immediately. It made absolutely no difference. I made a record of the value of all assets, bank accounts, etc, as of the date that I said I was leaving, and left a copy with STBX that said something like "Current Estimated Value of Community Property", and made it clear that I wasn't "abandoning" anything - not that I think I even could, legally, in this state. Ours is a community property state. You can read up on all of this online, make sure you look at the correct info for your state. If you don't have a good understanding of legal stuff in general, you might want to consult with an attorney, but tons of good info is available on the web, and a good mediator will explain anything that you still have questions about.

The main thing about mediation, at least in my state, is that you can basically arrange things however you want, as long as you can reach an agreement about it. YOU, and your STBX, make the decisions, not a judge who doesn't really know you.

I STRONGLY recommend mediation instead of adversarial divorce.

good luck to you.
- L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 8:12am

Hi.


My divorce is what I would call very amicable,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 8:32am

I'm still not divorced but I'll answer what I can:


1) How long was the process from filing to finish - We could have done it two ways.

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Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:18am

1. STBX filed in July. If we get our buts in gear we could be finished before the end of the year. We started talking seriously about separating in June. STBX filed in July. Although I agreed in my mind that we could no longer make this marriage work, my heart wasn't ready. I couldn't bring myself to file at that time and told STBX that if he wanted out he'd have to be the one to file. Our hearing of temporary relief was Oct. 20th, but we had already been testing/living with the arrangements since August.

2. We both have joint decision making for both children. When we had to say which parent the children live with most (like for taxes), we each claimed custody of one of the children. When DD is considered an adult, we will alternate this custody of DS each year. STBX chose to live in the same neighborhood so that we can split the week 50/50 as much as we can and we both provide childcare for one another. I tend to have more overnights and weekend time with the children because STBX works evenings and most weekends, but STBX cares for DS every morning while I am at work (DD is in school). The children "live" with me MT and 1/2 W and live with STBX 1/2 W and TF. We alternate weekends. We have a right to first refusal clause in our agreement.

3. We had a couple meetings at restaurants about our parenting plan before he moved out of the house. We have both been very determined to put our issues as a couple aside for now and focus on what our children need. We both have lawyers, but they are not doing much but guide us through the legal process. The negotiating has primarily been between STBX and myself.

4. STBX moved out August 1st because he agrees that I'm more likely to be able to keep the house because my income is a little greater, I'm better at budgeting and saving (even though he has a degree in accounting). I'm more "handy" around the house and I have a much closer tie to the neighbors. He's not trying to take that support system away from me. It is important to both of us that our DD (7) and DS (1.5) stay in the house and neighborhood at this time. STBX is renting a house around the corner (just out of sight) so when the kids are living with him they are not completely in a strange place. Our DD rides the same school bus, plays with her neigborhood friends, etc. while at both homes.

Good luck!

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 2:34pm

Of all the books I've read. This one has been the most helpful to me.

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child

by Isolina Ricci

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:30pm


Thanks to everyone for your input. It's nice to know that this doesn't have to be a negative and combative process.

I appreciate your support and input!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:08pm

Hi.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:08am

1. 6 months
2. Husband cheated, had no money - he wanted 50-50 - I got 80-20, primary custody.
3. He wanted do-it-yourself - after laughing I said "you've got to be kidding" and got a good lawyer.
4. The place was mine when we got married - he'd moved out to be with OW anyway so had no problems there.

He's a good dad to our son. That's about all I can say.