Angry - Losing My Resolve
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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 11:30am |
I'm so sad and angry right now. I've posted here a couple of times about my situation but basically last week after asking me to stick around for a few more weeks to just give it one last shot, I finally told my husband 100% how I feel - that I don't feel the same about him anymore, that I don't really believe we can fix our relationship at this point as too much has happened, as there is nothing I want from him anymore- I tried to be as gentle and kind about it as I could but that's the gist of it, I also wasn't telling him I was leaving, I'd just wanted him to know what he was up against if he really wanted to try a few more weeks. After first growing cold and telling me basically that he was going to cut me out of his life as quickly as possible, he then turned around and swore that we could make it work, that he would change my mind to just give him a little more time.
Well, I didn't want to. In that moment I knew leaving him would probably be the best thing I could ever do for myself, and yet I also realized that I needed a few more weeks to prepare things and that he wasn't going to give me that, that when I was ready to go, I needed to be packed and ready to walk out the door right after I told him. I gave in, told him I'd give it another month, though I didn't have much hope for it, with the thought that I could plan my getaway, so to speak.
Of course since this talk only 5 days ago, he's been on his absolute best behaviour, he's been loving, attentive, and is trying to convince me we should start doing everything he's ever heard me express an interest in (from getting a dog to having children). At first this was freaky, then this weekend, because I haven't been sleeping it was comforting to have someone want to take care of me and I started to feel myself lose my resolve, which scared me. Then last night, thinking about it I started to get angry. I managed to stay out of his clutches last night (he's been so physically clingy...massages, hugs, kisses and wrapping himself around me like a boa constrictor at night, that I'm sick of being touched! No mean feat for me.) and was tempermental this morning, though not towards him.
I guess I knew this would happen if I stayed, but if I'd had someplace to go that night I would have, but I didn't and it just makes it all so much more difficult because he's trying so hard to please me right now. The thing is I really think I should leave. I care for him very much, but he's a very inmature person and he keeps my life a chaotic mess, I don't see myself ever having the kind of life I want if I stay with him. I know I help him, and I've made him happy, but he's never been able to give me what I've needed and I'm sick of asking for it. I just don't believe he can do it, even though he thinks he can. He's made me many promises over the years and hasn't really been able to live up to any of them, he just says "but its getting better!". He only trys to fix things when they are in crisis mode and takes me for granted when things are not.
I know I should leave, but I'm afraid I won't!!!
This scares me more than anything. The answer seems so easy but the action seems impossible. I've already told my mother I want to leave, and my one friend in town who I know will stick by me. She's offered me a place to stay for a bit if the need arises. Now, I feel like if I don't leave that I'll be letting them down and of course if I do, hurting my husband and completely changing my life. It would help if I had something to look forward to if I left, but all there will be is a chance to try again. A completely blank slate. The only thing that stays the same if I leave is my job (which I'm extremely grateful for right now!). I like much of my life, but the good part is so entwined with my not so great relationship with him that I feel there is no way to throw out the bathwater without throwing out the baby.
I don't want to be stuck anymore, I don't want to lose everything. How do I reconcile these two things?

Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
Bluebayou, You helped me, I hope I can return the favor.
I stayed on a roller coaster similar to yours for years. And it was hard because we worked together. But I left when the thought of staying upset me more than the thought of leaving. I actually had two false starts. Got an apt. twice and never moved in. Third time was the charm, I think the other two were dry runs. Our relationship was as horrible as what he did to my son, we were always arguing, he was always drinking, I would come home at 8:30 at night after leaving for work at 7:30, working til 6 and then going grocery shopping, to find him laying on the couch in the dark, with a drink in his hand, wouldn't get off the couch to help unload the groceries, or even fix us some food. And I kept hoping something would change, he kept and still says he doesn't want a divorce, but I think it's a financial thing, he doesn't have to work so hard if I'm there.
But you know, it's easy and normal to lose your resolve. You are looking for just a window of happiness, and when it comes your way you just hope it's real and forever. But it never was for us. And I know exactly how angry you get when you come to that realization and see how much more time has passed. When we didn't have a working oven, diswasher, stove, the roof is leaking, we're putting my son's hockey expenses on my credit card, and he lied to me about an inheritance of almost $100,000 and even when I found out about it continued to lie, and refuse to spend one dime on his family, I realized that my life would never change. We had a basement fire a year ago, no structural damage but the whole house needed paint from the smoke damage, and when he got the insurance money he refused to spend any of it, and in fact didn't even tell me about it till a month later when I asked about it.
Anyway, plan your getaway. You may not have to use it, but you may. Put money aside he doesn't know about. Find a place to live. Copy all the documents you need to (mortgages, taxes, titles to cars, etc.) Put your valuables in a safety deposit box, along with the documents. My friends were so supportive, one in particular, where I was able to stash my stuff until I could get out. My H didn't find out I was leaving till about 3 days before, by then I had all the stuff that was really impt to me, like videos and pix of my son, valuable knick knacks, jewelry, et. Of course, he drinks so much he was numb to the whole thing for quite a while, tho the last couple of days he was hiding stuff so I wouldn't take it.
Good luck to you. Which ever path you chose, don't settle for less than you deserve. My thoughts and prayers are with you.