Annulment

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Annulment
3
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:58am
Ok, so we've been separated since August, when he told me about ow and now we're in mediation...actually have only been to the orientation meeting, to which stbx brought his HO, but that's another story all together.
Anyway, I went to see my priest today just to talk a bit and he broached the subject of annulment. Bearing in mind that I have no plans at this moment to remarry, since I'm still married, and don't think I could ever trust anyone enough again to take the plunge, I'm wondering if anyone has been through or is going through this process.
My mother, who was also divorced from my dad before he died, says she doesn't believe in it, that once you consummate the marriage, it is a marriage, and in her opinion, should not be annulled. My stbx is not Catholic, actually does not practice the Baptist religion that he was raised in, so he shouldn't care one way or another, except to stick it to me in another way. My priest says it could take up to 2 years to complete the process and I may feel differently about remarriage at that time.
Any opions would be appreciated.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:54pm

Hi Luv

this is a huge issue for me. i was raised catholic, mass every sunday with the entire family, confessions weekly or at least monthly, did not do anything from 12-3 on good friday, you get the picture........... i took my religion very seriously.

when i began seriously considering divorce after 20 years of marriage, one of the people from whom i sought input was my current priest. i am not a practicing catholic as i had been in the past. i was in the middle of an a (which i DID NOT disclose to the priest, i will, i just needed to end the a before i could admit to it.) i told my priest every other detail about our marriage, the alcohol abuse, the sexual issues that stemmed from it, our financial problems, my concern about going to hell if i divorced my h and remarried. after all, if you are divorced and remarried, you are considered an adulterer in the eyes of the church. (so ok, i'm already an adulterer, so what did i have to lose?) i was ashamed and could not look this man in the eye and tell him that i was an adulterer. (funny, my parents and sister know)

my priest was very supportive and told me that my husband basically deserted me and our vows when he chose the bottle and not working over our marriage. he explained that i could attend mass, receive sacraments after a divorce, i just could not remarry and do these things in the church. after a lengthy conversation, he told me that i "qualified" for an annulment, which he suggested i pursue after the d. i plan on first, telling him of the affair, then seeking his input on the annulment at that point. i may not qualify because i had an affair, but then again, apparently, rules are made to be broken even in the catholic church.

i respect your mothers opinion, but times have changed and the catholic churchs' opinion has changed as well. your husbands affair was HIS choice not yours and you should not suffer the consequences yourself. like you, i have no desire to remarry at this point. however, i would still like the option to marry in the church again. you deserve to be happy. and if your commitment to your religion is strong, i suggest gaining as much knowledge as you possibly can to make a decision that works for you.

on a different note:

i'm so sorry your husband had an affair. this is something i thought i would never do. after all, i married at 19 and i married the only man i ever had sex with. my a was a bad decision, but after years of living with a drunk who did not sleep with me, would come upstairs, screw me, go back down to his couch, get another drink and pass out, i guess i was looking for intimacy and closeness and love. it was so wrong to sleep with another womans husband, and i deeply regret this action. noone deserves to be hurt by such a reckless decision, especially the children. still, i am not willing to walk around with a scarlet A on my chest. i made my choice, and i will deal with it by making my peace with god.

...not edited for grammar and spelling......




Edited 11/14/2006 9:58 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:08am
If you are a practicing Catholic, an anullment might make you feel better about the divorce. There was a time not so long ago that the fact that your husband was Baptist would have disallowed the marriage in the church to begin with. The church of course does not recognize civil divorce but what is an annulment really? I was married in the church, then divorced. I never considered annulment because I don't plan to marry in the church again. My boyfriend's ex did the annulment since she is a practicing catholic. I believe it did take about two years. But, your priest is right, you will feel very differently later. P.S. Our mothers are "old school" and we shouldn't take everything they say to heart. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: luvnbnhome
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:37pm

First, get through the divorce. You have enough on your plate just getting divorced and dealing with the aftermath.

Worry about the annulment later. But I would get the annulmnet.

I had my first marriage annulled and the process helped me to assess myself and understand the things I did to contribute to the marriage's demise. And it helped me grow as a person. I was granted the annullment. It was not embarrassing or humiliating. I thought it was a very positive thing.