Another day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Another day...
7
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:45am

Today I woke up in another panic attack and couldn't go back to sleep again. I kept thinking about him, my mind racing a million miles an hour. You know - the "what if's". What if he came back? What if he wanted to get back together? Could we be a happy family again? Could we make it work? Why did he leave? Why couldn't he fight for our marriage? Why did he just give up?

My daughter (5, not his, from a previous relationship) said yesterday that she wished that he didn't want to get divorce because then we didn't have to move and that we could be together. She asked if this means that we will never see him again. It breaks my heart every time she says or asks about him. I know that it's hard on her too.

I know that it's hasn't even been two weeks yet but the decision he's made is set. All I can do is live with it and move on with my life. It hurts a lot. I still love him and am still "in love" with him. And I miss him so much. Or maybe it's just the ideal life I wish we had. I packed away our wedding photos and stuff last night. That was very emotionally draining. It is like a death - a death of a dream. I hate feeling so out of control emotionally but I know that if I don't deal with it, it'll all come to me some other time.

Thank you to everyone for your support. It does mean a lot to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:42pm
Huge Hugs! I know it seems like there is no end to the pain right now, but I promise you there is. The pain does lessen with time. It's been a year and a half for me and I still have pain, but not as sharp and not as long. You will get to the place where you find your niche in this life and life will go on. I have found it goes on whether or not we live it so we might as well get on board. The roller coaster ride you are taking right now has many ups and downs and quite a few turns. Just ride each one out. Your future is bright. I remember packing away our wedding things. It was tough. I still get it out once in a while. I haven't put everything away yet. I just can't do it. My wedding rings still sit on my dresser and our wedding photo still hangs in my bed room. Some day maybe I'll be able to let it all go.
I will say a prayer for heart healing for you. Good Luck!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 5:19pm

Hey... I hope that you're feeling better.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:09pm
Thank you for your support. It does mean a lot to me to be able to say what I want to even when it doesn't always make sense. I know that I have to go on with my life. I have no choice in that. I've got to remember that I can make a better life with what I've got left. I was going to have a "but (something)" but I'm going to keep it positive and remember all that I still have. I am very lucky to have the support from my family, friends and this message board. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:30am
Thank you for your support. I think that hearing words of wisdom from those who have gone through this really makes a difference. It really shows that I am not alone even when I feel that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:09am

I'm sorry you are having to go through such a painful experience. Your post brought me back to 8 months ago when I was having near panic attacks all day long and couldn't sleep at night. Something that helped me, and I hope can help you also, is that each day when I felt that horrible horrible pain, I would try to look at it as it was one day closer to feeling better. It's not much, but sometimes at the lowest point, it helped me to see it as one step closer to happy even when it felt like I wanted to die.

(I didn't mean for this to sound so dramatic or be such a downer. I hope you understand where I'm coming from though. :-) )

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:49am
Oh, you did not sound melodromatic or anything of the sort. The pain is very real and agonizing and you can't exaggerate that. The day after he left, I told a friend that's gone through a divorce that it just hurts everywhere. She said, besides understanding how I felt, that it can even get worse (boy, she wasn't kidding) but denying the pain doesn't help to heal but acknowledging it will. So no matter how bad the pain is I know it's something I have to deal with. I'm taking it one step at a time...some moments, just a crawl. But you are right, I have to focus on the fact that it will bring me one step closer to feeling better and finding happiness.
Thank you for your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:51pm

I SURVIVED! YOU WILL SURVIVE! Four years ago ivillage was a huge help - keep posting and reading. Make a list of everything negative, bad , annoying, etc. Make a list of everything you would want in a man and see how short and disappointing he rates. #1 rule of mine is if he don't want me I don't want him.

I cried all day everyday, couldn't sleep, and couldn't eat like you. I felt discarded. And you feel it will never end. After three weeks of hoping he would "come to his senses" I called hime and gave it one last shot - he replied in a way that told me in my heart to move on even if he would have wanted me later (and he did)and I said lets get on with it then (the divorce). I vowed to myself I would come out of this in PEACE. Even though I made a list of ideas for revenge I took the high road.

Except once before it was official that we were going to divorce - when he would not call me back (and we had some important things to discuss...) I suspected where he might be so I drove to the boat ramp where we would leave the trailer - sure enough there was his truck. Well, I still had the key BECAUSE I WAS STILL HIS WIFE so I checked out what was inside...you guessed it a key ring belonging to the other woman and bags and stuff. I didn't touch any of it - I JUST TOOK THE KEY RING. And locked it back up. LOL Later when they got back to the truck the only thing they knew was that her keys were missing...he called me and said what did you do this afternoon? I said besides waiting for you to keep the appt. we had? etc. And I told him I didn't know anything about it. Well I heard that the other woman went nuts and showed her ass to him. So much for sweet new love...HA

I got on the phone and called everyone I knew and began to rebiuld my life without him. Get out and socialize. Make yourself smile and soon it will come naturally. Be the wonder you that you know you are!Get your hair done, try a new make-up, dress like you feel like a million bugs. Work out, get a tan do anything you want that will make you feel better. DO SOMETHING HE WOULD NEVER HAVE APPROVED OF THAT YOU WANTED BEFORE. Your - your own boss now!

I know you have to grieve. But ask yourself if your sad because you are losing him or the dream of what you thought your life would be? Well, he wrecked the dream and there no way to go back in time. It is what it is!

Be strong and confident. Picture your life in a year, two, 10...and begin to take steps toward what would make you happy. One day youu will look back and be amazed at how far you've come.

I would like ti keep in touch with you through this. Sharon