Another jealousy issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Another jealousy issue
7
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:51am

OMG, I came on here this morning to ask for advise and the first thread that I read was the on "getting over jealousy"...and that's basically what I'm writing about, but wanted to start a new one.

Brief history....Divorced going on two years, X has GF that practically lives with him (in the house that we bought together) in the neighborhood that I had all my friends in...he successfully forced me into having to move and give him the house. But I have the same problem...she acts like she is "Mom", my children are 11 and 6, and it drives me in insane. For the most part I don't say anything at all, don't want to give them the satisfaction that I would have a reaction. But they act like they are a family, traveling, doing all sorts of fun stuff that X refused to do with me (we were married 13 years). I'm the one who wanted the divorce. Believe me this is not about him, she can have the a$$hole, I do not want him. I have moved on myself but my BF lives half way across the country. Anyways, this woman is old enough to be their grandmother, she has grandchildren of her own, my ex is only 43 and she is going on 60 (not kidding...it's such a joke). I feel like she didn't get enough of raising her own children so is now wanting the job of taking over mine. They have a mother...thank you very much...I've been raising these children myself basically since they were born, Ex was lazy, uninvolved, didn't and never really wanted to do the family thing...his friends and work always, always came before us...now...you'd think he was superdad.

She calls the kids teachers personally, to talk to them about their progress, gets involved in their sports...everything....i feel she really needs to back off...I've tried over and over to be decent with her...she treats me with such arrogance (sp?). Like she won the prize or something...that i laugh over...because he ain't no prize believe me!

But my real problem is and this is where I need advise....I have always seen and heard about children that hate the new woman or Stepmom or whatever...my children acts as if they adore her...part of me is grateful that she is decent and good to them (I suppose it could be worse if they hated her and she was mean to them)...but it's really hurtful to watch my children with her....they miss her when they don't see them for a while (i think they miss her more than their dad)...it's really hard to deal with and i find myself getting angry with them over it....I trie to bite my tongue...but I will admit I have slipped and said negative things about her...only once or twice, but nonetheless I did do that and later apologized to the kids...telling them i no right to involve them and it's my issue to deal with. This weekend her daughter and granddaugher are coming from out of town to visit "my children" because they haven't seen them in awhile...I'm like what?????....this is ridiculous....they don't even know my children....it's all a big act....but HELP it's driving me crazy....

So how would you deal with this...your children really, really liking the new woman...how do i get over my jealousy around this....i try to have faith that noone and nothing could break my bond with them....but sometimes I worry they love her more than me....silly and immature I know.....any advise would help. Thank you

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:57am

Hi...

I'm not in your shoes... my xh does have a gf, that he may wind up marrying the way he's giong, but they live in another state and xh only saw our son once last year... so it is a completely different circumstance...

But, let me assure you that you are mom and will always be mom... you are not being replaced... but I can understand why you would feel that way at the same time... Lets look at alternatives... would you prefer xh to be involved with someone who hated children, and therefore convinced him to have nothing to do with yours? would you prefer xh to be involved with someone who could care less about your children, didn't make them do their homework, didn't care about getting them to sports practices, didn't care about their needs (or would you be annoyed because how could she not be involved?)...

In my mind, I think the best situation would be for xh to find someone who was excited about your children, loved them as if they were their own... I mean, if this person is going to spend that much time with my child, I want them to be involved... not think that the children are a hinderance... I mean, don't you want your bf (if it is or gets that serious--I'm not sure how serious your relationship is) to love your children as if they are his own? To be involved? To be at the sporting events with you? To care about your children's schoolwork with you?

I know its tough, but looking forward to dating, because I have not yet begun to do so, I know that my son will not date, but Mr. Right, if and when I find him, will love Joey as much as I do and will want to be involved with Joey... if he's not willing to make the commitment to both of us, I don't want the commitment from him...

I don't know if that makes sense and I can certainly understand why its hard, but I'm not in the situation, so I may not get just how hard it is... but it would be nice if, as a result of the heartache that I know Joey has experienced out of the divorce, that if he got some bonus love and comfort from my future so's as well as my xh's...

Sending lots of hugs, cause I can only imagine how difficult this truly is...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:00pm

Hi Wildfire

I posted this morning on the other jealousy post. My ex's girlfriend has been around 2 1/2 years now too so I understand what you are feeling and dealing with. My first thought when you say she is almost 60 and he is 43 is..... how long will she really be around and...... why would he want to be with a soon to be senior citizen LOL... a mommy figure....for him.

However since she is around.... I hover between being happy that my kids are happy and wanting to throw up when they gush about something she did. But your kids will always know YOU are their mom...... there is a huge difference and nothing will break that bond! I just make sure I do some special things with my girls and I know in my heart that I am their mom and that the girlfriend is a fun lady who will someday possibly be a fun step mom. Good luck..... I know its harder some days ...... and those days its ok to cry and then feel better.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:32pm

Ohmigosh, wildfire, you and I are walking the very same walk.

Believe me, I know the way that knife hurts...you have my deepest sympathy. I started that other thread about jealousy. I also posted it on the divorce and custody board. Telling me to just get over it didn't help me feel any better.

You are entitled to feel your feelings. You love your children like I love mine, that's precisely why it hurts. Let me completely and totally validate your pain, fear, worry and outrage. What you feel is absolutely normal. I can totally understand what you write.

I got a really helpful response from preagan on the divorce & custody board. Read that. Maybe it'll help you too.

I had to inform my DD's teachers that I was the mother, not new wife. Good grief!

Please email me through the profile--maybe we can support each other in this.

Wishing you peace,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:05pm

It is hard. I do try to remember that I'd rather have the xh be with someone that cares about my son. But it is still hard when ds comes home and talks about her or tells me I need to cut my hair like hers! I remind myself that he talks to her about me, too. I do sometimes bite my tongue - I do not want ds to hear me talk badly about her. I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about anything and that it is OK to love all the people in his life. I don't want him to feel torn in his loyalties.

I also try not to think about them going around acting like a happy family. They have already gone on one day trip out of town (that I know of) and have attended parties with people that used to know me too.

I just found out last weekend that my xh is engaged. The step-mom-to-be seems nice enough - but I know they want to have ds be a part of their wedding and when I imagine it, I just want to gag - so I try not to think about that. Why torture myself?

Funny thing is - the new gf offered to have their wedding photographer take pictures of my son for me to have. I thanked her for her offer but said that since I'd know when and where the pictures were taken, I likely would not be able to enjoy them.

The other thing that hurts - my xh was a terrible husband and father. He has improved a lot as a father the past two years since the divorce was final. But it hurts when he says things like he's never been this happy in his life and he can't wait to be a family with the new gf and our son. He also appears to be spending a ton of money on dates - he was nice to me when we first started dating - but not that nice!

He isolated himself so much in the later years of our marriage and although we did some things as a family - I was so very lonely. He made very little effort towards spending time with and bonding with our son and has really only started doing that since the divorce was final. So now sometimes I feel so sick when I see him tell our son "Oh, I love you so much!" - and has sometimes given ds such big hugs, he gets overwhelmed and upset.

My therapist tells me that it is still "Act I" - and that if my xh hasn't learned much of anything from the past, he's likely to repeat it. Then I end up thinking about how I'd really rather not have new gf's/wives coming and going as I think THAT would be stressful on ds. I'd rather xh is successful in his new marriage - because that would be best for our son. Besides which, ds is incredibly attached to me and I know that I will always be his Mom - no one can take that away from me.

Seems like the best route is to try and think of what is best for the kids and follow through on that. I believe it truly helps them when the adults in their lives are at least cooperating and not fighting, etc.

Best wishes to you - I hope it gets easier for all of us that are in this situation.




Edited 1/18/2006 10:21 pm ET by abbynwb
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:24pm

Thanks to all who have responded...it's so helpful to know i'm not alone in this transition period and having these feelings.

My ex-H told me once, that when we divorced "he didn't lose his family" he lost what was holding him back.....nice huh! Of course, I've said my share of hurtful comments to him in retaliation, but nonetheless, it still hurts. My ex-H too has spent tons and tons of money on the new GF, just tonight i saw the engagement ring and was floored.....Keep in mind he never actually bought me an engagment ring, only a wedding ring...get this, after we were married...the one he used on our wedding day was a piece of crap and he sensed my dissappointment so he bought me another one. The one she has now about blinded me...it's huge.

Anyways, I am grateful and remind myself constantly that i would rather have it this way, than to have him with a woman who didn't want my children around....I am thankful that he is involved with kids...doesn't neglect his responsibilities and is faithful about the child support, has never missed a payment. Things could be worse, I could be dealing with hurt and crying children over their dad not wanting to be with them...and that would break my heart. So I do try to count my blessings, it's just hard to sit back and watch them pretend and act so freakin' happy...I feel as if i've been replaced...like i was plucked out of my old life and she was plopped right in. She is practically living in my house, the one I picked out and decorated....she immediately came in and started to re-decorate....it was obvious that they wanted to remove any signs of me in that house.

I swear, with my new BF....things are serious and he has an ex and three small children...I have told him over and over that I will not do these things to his ex Wife....he says he wants us to live in the same neighborhood and expects me to attend the childrens functions, etc....I have told him....that will not happen for some time, and it's not because i don't want to be involved with his kids.....i really want to show her some respect that hasn't been shown to me...I have no desire to become "mom" to his children....i have my own, thank you very much....when the time comes that we are engaged and planning to marry....things will go very slowly....but i will never overstep my boundaries.

Thanks for letting me vent some more....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:37pm

I can understand where you are coming from, but I can tell you from experience, it is much better to have a woman who loves your children than someone that hates them just because they are yours.

I have an 18 year old daughter. Her father has not spoken to her or seen her in almost four years. The step-mother told her she couldn't stand her because she looked so much like me. They had an argument and the stepmother told my x that if he didn't get her out of there she was divorcing him. He drove her from KY back to FL the next day. He was very upset at the time, but said he couldn't have her divorce him because he now has two young children through their marriage and he didn't want to lose them too.

Needless to say, my daughter has tried on numerous occassions to reconcile with her father but he won't even talk to her. I watch her whenever anyone talks about their "dads", and her my space... yes, I snooped, says that of all the things she wishes was different was that she could talk to her dad.

Please do not do anything to cause such grief for your children. It is heartbreaking to watch this unfold as the years go on.

My x is a spineless wuss. He always was. That was part of the reason I left him. However, I always encouraged a relationship with him with my children and even made excuses for him just to protect them. We, as mothers, do what we have to do. It is very sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:49pm

I hope my son's step-mom-to-be does like him. For the past few years, my xh has said that at some point he wanted to move to a schedule where we each have our son half the time. He's never given any specifics on it, but I thought that was what he wanted. Last year he cut back on his visitation with our son as he was 'so busy' taking care of his own house and dating his gf. Now that they are engaged, guess what, he doesn't want to move to a 50/50 arrangement. I do not know if he was always blowing smoke talking about how much he appreciated it that I had our son the majority of the time but when ds was older he wanted to help out by moving to a 50/50 arrangement - or if it is the gf. He's lied about so many other things in the past - who knows.

He always makes a big show out of how much he loves his son, how important his son is, and how if the new gf didn't get along with his son or had trouble with the fact that he had a son and didn't want to help raise him, he would dump her. Ha. Looks like he did what I expected - he chose the gf over his son.

I tell myself that things feel safer to me to keep his visitation at 15% - I do not trust the xh at all (on a few occasions when we were married, he was doing something that he could have been arrested for). I tell myself - oh good, she's not very interested in doing 'the mom thing' so hopefully I won't have to deal with a lot of interference from her.....but I still feel hurt for my son.

I am not sure what this will end up feeling like to my son. He is already pretty upset about his Dad being engaged and about the gf moving into Daddy's house. He doesn't act out around them, but he does around me. He is mad at me - from what I can tell because things are changing and he thinks somehow I should be able to keep things from changing. I guess he feels safe expressing his anger to me, so I think that's a good thing. He is not mad all the time - seems like he gets mad after he's been visiting his father - so I only have to help ds deal with his anger twice a week. Still.....it is tiring.

I do try to talk as positively as I can about his Dad and the gf, too. There's only so much I can do, though, to encourage him to have a relationship with his Dad - his Dad has to be there for him, too, and unfortunately, his son is not a very high priority. I know my son will end up feeling hurt a lot over the years. I am already dreading March - his Dad was originally going to be gone over a weekend to go to NY with the gf - this got stretched out to a week. I was mad because I felt I had no say in his plans - it was "I'm going to be gone this week and I will miss my time with ds". Now I try to look at it like "I get to see ds more that week - and I won't have to see xh!" : )

Sometimes it is hard to watch all this unfold - if I could have figured out a way to make my marriage work - I would have stayed. But there were so many problems and there were so many things about xh that scared me or that I didn't want to live with, I don't see how I could have stayed in that marriage and retained my sanity! Whenever I start to feel jealous of how well my xh is treating the new gf, I remind myself of his bad habits and that he could very easily slip back into his dangerous activities and that helps me to keep moving on. One thing I have to say, I don't think she knows yet about all the bad stuff - I feel sorry for her - he's definitely no prize!