Another one bites the dust!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Another one bites the dust!
9
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 4:19pm
Thank God I found this board! I used to visit ivillage a long time ago when I was a sahm, just for support raising my two boys, who are 17 months apart. Well, they're almost 9 and 10 years old now, and there father has decided to look for greener pastures.
I hope you will all bear with me, as I have desperately needed a place to vent my story that doesn't involve overly involved friends or relatives, none of whom have been through this experience. (Hard to believe, but I'm from a family of intact marriages!)
My husband and I have been married 11 years (on Dec. 30). We have had some problems through the years, mostly related to his drinking and, 3-1/2 years ago, drug abuse. We fought so hard to keep our family intact through that awful experience and, I thought, had done so successfully. We sought counseling, refound a church family, he went to AA, I to Alanon. Things seemed back to normal...which, I guess, was the problem. I have found that an addict is not happy without some outside source of stimulation, something exciting to keep them going. We were just a normal, happy family, who did everything with our children and families.
First he stopped going to AA, then he stopped going to church...I should have known something was going on. But we didn't fight, we spent weekends hiking in the mountains and camping with our kids (we live in Colorado), we ate dinner together every night and played games together after homework. Norman Rockwell, right? Well, yeah, if Norman was having an affair.
So on Thanksgiving night, I came home from work (I'm a nurse), and told my husband how lonely I'd been feeling. He had been spending less and less time with us in the evenings, getting home late from work, etc., etc. which he chalked up to a busy work schedule. His job made this convenient, because he works fairly independently, is on call and out of town frequently, so I believed him. Instead, he told me there was someone else, that there had been for three months, and that it wasn't because there were any problems in our marriage, he just enjoyed the attention she gave him (translated: ego stroking). I was devastated. We had been through so much, I loved him, his children...blah,blah,blah.....
When I calmed down, he told me that they had decided to end it, because she couldn't handle the guilt she felt because of HER children (2 sons) and husband. Classy. I told him I couldn't fix this one. I had done everything to get us help with the drug use, and this one was on him. To make an uglier story uglier, not only did he not stop contacting her (although he swears they didn't see each other, they just talked), as luck would have it, a week later an old girlfriend contacted him on classmates.com (evil website!-I've heard many of these stories lately coming from that website), and they started a very graphic phone, email, text message affair immediately...which I discovered on our 11th anniversary (Dec. 30) when I found him in bed cradling his phone. He'd fallen asleep before he remembered to erase the messages and pictures of her in a santa hat and nothing else - a little Christmas present to him.
So, once again, he lied, made excuses, got angry with me, etc., etc., etc. Said he'd stop talking to her and didn't, so I asked him to move out.
My children are devastated. My 10 year old is VERY angry, my almost 9 yr. old has nightmares every night that something horrible happens to his dad. Our doctor, who delivered both of my boys and I trust very much, suggested that I put the boys in a Karate class to help them find a productive outlet for their anger...it has been a very good outlet for them, and they look forward to every session. They are also seeing our school psychologist, which I think really helps them, too.
As for my husband and me, we are seeing a counselor, but I don't know why. It feels like he's just going through the motions so that he doesn't feel so badly about what he's done, but he isn't really engaged in the process at all. He seems to be setting himself up with a nice little bachelor life and waiting for me to tell him I'm done. He spends his evenings playing guitar with his friends and doing whatever he pleases, while I sleep 3 or 4 hours a night trying to calm a crying child.
I have tried on every emotion...anger, hurt, pain, sadness...every hour it seems, but no matter what I feel, he just gets angry and more resentful. The only time he "feels like things are getting better" is if we are out doing something in a crowded place, and we don't talk about or express any emotions other than "We're just such a superficially happy family". The minute I try to express my feelings, he says I'm trying to tell him how he feels...since he WILL NOT talk about his feelings, I frequently find it necessary to guess what's going through his mind.
Anyway, I've filed for a legal separation which, on our court date March 1 can be converted to a decree of divorce. If he continues to act as though this is just his "break" and his time to "get it out of his system", I will divorce him. Truth is, that's what I really want. He's had 6 weeks (if you count discovery of affair number one) to "figure this out". I'm losing patience. Part of me doesn't want to give up, because we did have some good years, but the larger part of me says enough is enough. I do not trust this man anymore, and I'm finding that I'm not sure that I love him either. Has anyone out there been here and gotten back together successfully? Or do I just let it go?
Help! Just reading everyone's stories has made me feel so much less alone. Thank you all for sharing! And for any insight you all have!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:51pm
I am going through a very similar experience and so felt what you were saying. DH has checked out entirly after 9 years and two sons. We were always happy but,now nothing matters but her...I'm done and just trying to take charge of the situation. I don't have any words of consolation at this time (its been just 4 days since I caught my DH asleep at his computer with an incriminating message on the screen) except to get some excercise, get copies of everything you need for your lawyer and make sure you are showered, looking your best and hold your head high. he is an ass and you are a victim. But, a victim needs to stand up look around and figure out how to best kick a** in this world. Hug those babies and remember...you rock!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:03pm
Thank you, thank you for your words of encouragement. What is it with these men that they fall asleep cradling there electronic devices instead of the ones they are supposed to love? I've been going through this for nearly six weeks now, and just told him today that I want to change the legal separation to divorce. I can't keep waiting for him to "figure it out". Of course, he didn't know what to say, but seems to be relieved.
And you're right. I have been trying to look my best...not for him, but for me. And, yes, he's noticed, but I told him that he could look, but not touch, that I wasn't his anymore.
Hang in there! It is getting easier. My emotions only change hour to hour now, instead of minute to minute.
Hugs to you and your children, and thanks for your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:33pm
ha, ha, ha...I tell those who are in my inner circle...I feel emotionally bipolar. Okay one minute and in tears the next. At least ya feel better after a good cry! I like U already, we seem to be at a simiar place. Will need to stay in touch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 4:28am

Gosh, Ally, you have been and you are so incredibly strong and cool, that you should be immensely proud of yourself, whatever your decision will be.
You are doing all the right things, you are taking care of the kids, of the marriage (divorcing can be taking care of a marriage... in a twisted and sad way), of security, of the whole world. The only part you are forgetting is yourself!!!

Divorce is a strange animal. Even when we want it, it still sends shoots of pain through the soul, because the end of a marriage means the end of all the dreams of a future we entertained for years. I am sure in your 11 years of marriage (and together many years more I guess), there had been all the thoughts and dreams of retirement, of travels... and all the things done together, that will leave bitter-sweet memories.

I have trouble to recall the happy times, without embittering them with afterthoughts - as if what has happened since has changed what was happening "then", and the betrayal after puts a damper on the promises offered once. I feel however it is important not to fall in that trap: because you need to keep all that can make you happy, and that can validate your past and your life. If today something is not true anymore, that does not mean that it never was. Remember this. Your family, your love exist. Perhaps only in the past, but they exist!!!

If a divorce will come, that may make your life easier, and start settling in a new phase. Better over with it early, than to drag it for 20 yrs longer.

Lots of hugs, and I hope - I know it will get better.
Violaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:20am

Ok, Ladies,

I'm going through the EXACT same thing!! But, I'm not ready to admit defeat to a divorce. I just don't understand how they are able to turn everything around and be mad at US? Why is that??

His "relationship" isn't physical, but isn't online either. It's an obsession with a young, single girl at work. He swears that I'm over-reacting and misinterpreting everything. He says that he wants to keep the marriage, but wants the "friendship" too. I'm just not comfortable with this situation. But, how does it go from a disagreement to the Divorce talk?? We've always been able to work out everything before, so I just don't get why this is happening now.

S
PS We have the same issue about coming into sobriety, and I really wonder if this newfound "self" of his has something to do with all of this. Misplaced emotions??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:51pm
Thank you for your very warm and wise words. You are so eloquent in your writing. Today has been a very hard day because I have made the final decision to divorce. I think I sort of knew (that doesn't sound very certain, does it? :) ) that it would end here...he just can't stop his self destructive behaviors. But you are right, our love and our family WERE beautiful once, and they were real. I will try not to forget that. My biggest goal is to procede without animosity. My children matter much too much for me to put them in the center of a bitter divorce. I only pray that he will continue to feel the same way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:56pm
ssk, I would say "addictive behavior pattern" rather than "miss placed emotions". Addicts just need a new drug, a new high, to fulfill that need for fulfillment that they perceive they are not getting from everyday, humdrum life.
Don't fool yourself. My husbands "friendship" was "nothing" either, but it involved lying, deception, sneaking around and go outside of our marriage to find fulfillment with another human being...that, in a nut shell, is an affair. Just Google "emotional affair" and you'll get a clearer picture. I printed a few things for my soon-to-be-ex and he seemed to get it...although I found out today that he'd started seeing the other woman again (still swears it's "nothing"). That's why my "I'm not sure I'm ready for a divorce" feelings of this morning are now "I'm getting a divorce!" tonight. I just can't except his lies and deception anymore...I, and YOU, deserve better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 4:39pm

Ally, that is a hard decision, and I can only congratulate you in taking it. It is a brave move.

If I may, I would like to suggest to you to focus not on how HE feels or will want to act, but on yourself and what you want. The least attention you pay, the least he will be able to play with your emotion. The more removed you are, the more likely it will be that a friendship will be sustainable.

What you had was beautiful, and will be beautiful in retrospective. Remember it, so you will be able to tell your children that they were once born out of love (that will do wonders for their self-esteem...). And also know that there will be love in your future: just turn around, and you will spot it. I am sure it is there.

I am sending a big hug. Have a nice week-end...

Violaine

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 9:51pm
Thanks, Violaine, for your kind words. And you are right. It gives him power when I worry about what he's doing, who he's with, etc. etc. I found out that he's still been seeing "her" and it felt like the wounds were so fresh again (see another one bites the dust, part II :) I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm getting divorced, but it seems the grief process is just beginning. And I know there will be new beginnings. I hope there will be a better, more sustainable love in my future. I guess my hope is no longer for fixing was it lost, but for finding a more fullfilling future.
Thanks for your posts (I've read what you've said to others, as well). You are really so helpful and kind.
Thanks,
A.