Another one bites the dust, part II

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Another one bites the dust, part II
6
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:07pm
Thank you to all of you who have replied to my saga! I've been out of touch for a few days! I work 12 hour shifts as a nurse (which usually means 14 hr shifts), and go to school full time (getting my Bachelors in nursing) and am trying to figure out how to be a single parent (albeit, not very successfully) and just don't have any energy left at the end of the day to even contemplate the computer, but had a half a day off today, so feel refreshed! :)
This week has been interesting. My soon-to-be GULP!! I guess I have to say it! EX... has been putting on a really good show this week. He freaked out when I told him I wanted a divorce, went to a counselor, started back into AA (another long story) and started asking me if I needed time to myself, if he could stay for dinner...Weird week. Of course, being brought up in the land of fairy tales (we always get our prince, right?? and live happily ever after, right???), I wanted desperately to believe that maybe, just maybe he was really going to try to fix this mess he's made. WRONG!!! I found out today that he's been going to see the FIRST girlfriend again. And then I found new pictures of the second girlfriend on his computer! Funny thing is, the shock seems to have worn off. I guess I sort of expected him to screw up again. But at least now I have my answer. I WANT EVERYONE OUT THERE TO HEAR (SEE) THIS!!!! I'M GETTING DIVORCED AND I'M GOING TO BE OKAY!!!! AND SO ARE MY TWO CHILDREN!!! IN FACT, WE'RE GOING TO BE BETTER THAN WE WERE BEFORE, BECAUSE WE WON'T BE LIVING A LIE!! That is the first time I have actually spoken, uh, written, those words. And the funny thing is, I truly believe them! I don't know how it's all going to work out, but it will! Thanks to everyone out there for being supportive!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 4:59pm

Way to go. Knowing that your children will be better off is definitely a reason to go for divorce. YOu must be remarkable to work and be in school and parent.

I just started school and am still "at home" with my two little girls and I find school overwhelming and more than I want to deal with. I am so angry I have to be doing it because my stbx is walking out on us.

So, hurray for you that divorce will be the best thing. Take care of your children and yourself!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 9:46pm
M
I wish I were so strong. I've been putting on my "game face" just to try to cope. But right now I am in the middle of a crying spell that I just can't seem to get a hold of. It started this morning at about 3:30 am (I haven't slept more than a few hours in weeks) and I just can't stop. I think it finally hit me...I'm getting divorced AND I DON'T WANT TO. It's not that I want to continue living with a lying, cheating, B@#$ST$%D, but it's just such a huge loss. We did everything together...hiked with our kids all over Yellowstone, explored the mountains of Colorado every weekend, caught the biggest fish you ever saw (according to my son), played together and prayed together. And he's giving all of that up for a married woman with two children who says she won't leave her husband. Maybe he thinks he can work his charms on her and tempt her away (be careful of what you wish for, right?). And here I am, alone, because I went to school all day and I don't want my kids to be neglected by him tomorrow, so I took them to my sister-in-laws because she LOVES them and she LOVES me (more than she does her brother right now)and I have to get up at 5 o'clock in the morning to take care of 28 3 year old 80 year olds (working as a nurse in a nursing home is a lot like working in a preschool except that they hit harder:). AND I JUST PLAIN FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF!! But it's the first time I have let myself feel all of this AND I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A GLASS OF WINE BECAUSE THE ANTIBIOTICS I'M ON WILL MAKE ME SICK. Oh, yeah, and I got stopped by the police on the way home because my stbx saw me come in to town and started to follow me so I sort of passed illegally in front of a cop, but when he saw me crying I told him I was trying to get away from my husband who just left me (young cop, think I freaked him out with the tears) and he let me go. Finally, one moment of justice. OH, MY GOD!!! IS THERE NO END TO THIS???? Actually, some day I'll probably laugh about this particular episode, but not right now.
Please, don't let me discourage you. What I really wanted to say was, let school be for you, not because of him. Education is incredibly empowering. It gives us strength and confidence and independence. And your two little girls will have so much respect for you for what you are doing for them and, especially, for yourself. It will enrich your life enormously if you let it. Embrace it, but be sure that you are working toward something that you will LOVE, not just a job, or a way to get by. That's why I am in nursing. Even though I may complain about my 80 yr. olds, I love them, and I love being a nurse. I leave my job EVERY SINGLE DAY knowing that I have done somethingto make another human being feel better, even if it's just holding a hand or stopping by to talk for a few minutes of a long, lonely day. My job gives me great perspective and helps me stop feeling sorry for myself. Which I will. But I also know that it's okay to feel sorry for ourselves once in a while, because most of us posting on this board (if not all) have been dealt some very unfair blows by some very unkind men (and women). So be strong, first for yourself, and then for those little girls of yours. We didn't deserve the treatment we were given, but we don't have to be victims either.
Take care, I'll be praying for you and your girls,
A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 8:17am

Oh you are amazing! What a draining job and yet you LOVE it. What a blessing you are to those folks and to you kids!

I don't know how you do it!

I am crying too, for me and for you!

I gotta tell you ... I am at my lowest point right now. Earlier this week I learned how low my stbx had dropped his take home pay by adding dental and vision insurance and upping his fsp (pre-tax med expenses) -- not enough to support us living in the same house, much less two separate houses -- I don't know *what* he was thinking. It has freaked me out.

And then school ... oh my gosh, it is exhausting and the amount of work outside of class ... I just can't handle it ... I want to be with my kids ... not leaving them with babysitters so I can go to lawyers and counselors and school and to study and photocopy legal docs ... you name it.

My stbx left me waiting to get picked up from school, in the freezing cold, for an HOUR!

The kids and I pay the HUGE price for his selfishness -- my stress level is killing off nerons, etc. so fast that I will die very very young! All this so he can live as he likes!

So, thank you, dear woman, for sharing your strength and sadness and encouraging me!

This board has been a huge lifeline!

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:36pm
By golly... I think you've just past the big hump in the road :-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:55pm
Hey, M. You have really been on my mind. I know exactly where you are coming from. I had such a hard time at work today because when I work 12 hr. shifts, I only get to see my kids for about an hour a day. My stbx came over last night to "talk" and basically told me his feelings for other woman number one are more than he thought and that he felt like he needed time to explore those feelings (although she doesn't want him, ironically, because SHE felt betrayed when he started seeing another woman just one week after they "split up" ... oh, an the fact that she's married, too. They're ALL scum!!!). Anyway, before he left, he started crying about how hard this was and how much he loves his family and wants us back. BUT only after he has time to figure it out (i.e. screw around and get it out of his system). Dirty B*s%%rd!!! (That's my favorite new nickname for him :)
Please, please, please don't let go, through all of your exhaustion, tears, anger, pain ... too many words to express what we're going through ... that YOU will survive and that YOU are an example for your children and they will always remember what you did FOR them, and what their father did TO them.
Hand in there! Remember that you, ultimately, control how you react to what he does to you, and don't give him the satisfaction of letting him see your pain. BE STRONG!
A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:05am

HUGS to you and thanks for thinking of me in the midst of your pain. I can't believe the conversation you had with your stbx. It must be surreal for you and SO hurtful. You are strong!

It is all surreal for me, too. I cannot even believe I have to do all this stuff. Today, my birthday, we have a two hour meeting with a potential mediator (that *I* arranged and will pay for) and tomorrow we meet with the child psychologist (found her, pay her) and tomorrow night I go to a "support group" which is mostly women wailing about their situation (not quite that bad, but not sure it is what I need).

I just can't believe I am eating up all my time, hiring babysitters, not being with my kids to do *this*.

In between ... trying to do my reading for class and schedule more babysitting so I can go to the library and do my class projects ...

And him ... trots off to the gym and work, comes home and has his dinner (which I cook) and ... goes on with his gd life! (Ok, so he has to attend these meetings, too, but it isn't time away from his kids).

Nevermind ...

Thanks for helping me be strong by being here. I hope I can support you, too!

M