Another who feels overwhelmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2013
Another who feels overwhelmed
3
Wed, 04-24-2013 - 10:07pm

I read the "overwhelmed" post below and intend to reply, but wanted to tell my story first. I was on IV boards for several years and have been gone for a while. A friend recommended I come back as (and she is right) I find so few in "real life" to talk to and at least here people can share openly.

My wife of 16 years left last July. We had been in counseling, but basically she said she did not love me anymore, and we had grown distant. By October, the divorce was finalized. I am 40 years old. We had no children. There are several overwhelming experiences I have encountered since that I will describe.

The first is financial. We jointly owned a condo we bought in 2005. At the time the condo cost $108,000 and is now valued at $74,000. That's nothing new, as most could tell you. I work as a school librarian and she works as a teacher's aide. My salary is the larger, so it made sense for me to keep the condo. She left and got a small apartment. We both have 2nd jobs now. The divorce decree stated that I would get the condo sold or refinanced within three years. After the divorce was finalized, I discovered you can get someone off a mortgage deed, so we are pursuing that since she lays no claim to the property. I am putting together the paperwork. This may not be able to happen because you cannot pay more than 33% of your income on the mortgage or 38% of your debt. I haven't crunched every number, but roughly I get two paychecks a month. One pays the mortgage and condo fee, the second one for everything else. I have enough in savings, but try to keep hands off as much as possible. That's becoming less possible with unexpected and extra expenses. I am very frugal, and the second job of a whole $60 week actually bails me out.

Also according to the decree, I got the car with the payments, the credit card with $2,000 on it, and I still have my student loans. I did not fight the ex over these things, and I know a judge would not have required her to pay these things considering her low income. I cannot sell the condo because it is upside down. It is hard to get a roommate because at 690 sq. feet, it is not a real live-in situation. Pleaces listed for rent provide so much more, and I know nobody personally who is looking. I cannot re-finance. I cannot do a short-sale because her name is still on it and she would not want to do that. Any mortgage assistance does not seem possible- it is not through Freddie Mac or Sallie Mae. I commute 40 minutes to work in a school district that is one of the lowest paying in the state. I am applying for better jobs and hope something with more pay and closer will happen.

What housing options exist that anyone knows about?

Another overwhelming concern is the feeling of loneliness. I am an only child and my parents are deceased. I have no family near me. I am an introverted person, know a lot of people, but have few close friends to connect with. I have always been like that, but marriage shielded me over the years because there was always someone there. I live in an area I did not grow up in, so I have no long-term friends. I am not afraid of people- I have done plenty of counseling others, public speaking, teaching, etc. but when it comes to connecting with people, it doesn't seem to happen. And the advice of "get out and meet people" is a hard one. I don't drink, so bars are out. I don't have a lot of hobbies or things I invest in. I work a lot, but don't do a lot for "fun." I know I should get out, but finances prevent much. I do go to a counselor every week, and enjoy those connections. Friends I connect with the most are people I have met online. I tried an online dating site and met a wonderful person. All of my emotions kicked in and she is a fun person. But I am dealing with the reality she sees me only as a friend. This is good- I appreciate her honesty and am glad to have a friend, but with it comes the sense of failure and loneliness.I enjoyed our dates and connecting- but know that won't be the same now.

I am a pretty easy going guy for the most part, but find myself now on edge and stressed to the max. I get depressed easily. I know there can be good days ahead but don't find myself believing that too easily. It seems pretty rough all the way around.

Well, time to catch up on other's posts. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:22am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2013
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 6:55pm

Thanks, music. That last part is very accurate- very few outside interests and I probably am "boring." I read some, watch sports (but don't "get into it" that much), go to a movie now and then, but that is about it. I am in a small area and a big city is a little over an hour away. The gym has never been a meeting place really. Not sure how people do that. I am looking into local meetups, but work and taking online classes do interfere. Thanks for the suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-25-2013 - 11:26am

I really don't have any advice on the housing aspect.  As far as the loneliness, it does take time to adjust to being single again.  I got divorce I think it was 5 yrs ago and I do have kids, so I am not  really alone, even though at that time, DD was in college but still had teen age son at home.  But I looked around and it was like oh, now I only have 2 single friends and one of them lives an hour away.  So many times on weekends if my son went to his dad's, I would find myself with nothing to do.  I do think you have to go out and make an effort to meet people if you want to make friends or get a GF.  If you are kind of introverted then you are right, bars and places where there are a lot of people probably wouldn't be that good.  I think it depends on what is available to you--I'm luckly to live near a big city where there are always many things to do and if you look around, there are always free things too--even the musems usually have one free night, or the library might be showing free movies and things like that.  Sometimes people say go to a gym--my local gym only costs $10/month because they don't give the exercise classes but I never really found it a way to  meet people.  I really don't want to talk to guys when I'm sweaty and not looking my best and most people just put in their headphones and don't talk.  I think if you want to meet other men to hang out with, sports is usually a good way to do it if there is a league to play something.  I think you might think hard about what outside interests you have because a person who has no interests is going to be very boring and women won't want to date you anyway.