any advice...I'm just beginning
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any advice...I'm just beginning
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:18pm |
I feel so alone and I miss him terribly. How can I feel like this after all the BS I've endored over my 15 years with my soon-to-be-ex. The stbx just decided on 1/3/06 that he didn't want to be married anymore. He never came home that nite after work. Then he tells me he's no longer in "love" with me. He only loves me cuz I'm the mother of his children and I do things for him. I can't beleive this is my life. I have never felt so lost and lonely before. I feel like dying even though I know this is not a realistic. I have 2 sons.....Ray 14 and Cameron 3... to be strong for. It's just so difficult and overwhelming.I am appling for divorce next week.My stbx moved into his own apartment last week. I have been very depressed since then.I guess it's becoming all to real now.I know he would move rihgt back in if I let him. He wants me to be some meek wife who'll let him do whatever he wants. I cannot allow that anymore.Anyone out there with some strong advice? I need it .

First of all, I want to send hugs your way... it is not easy to be where you are... to begin with, I would consult with an attorney or a legal aid office to find out what your rights are... often once you know your rights, you become a bit empowered because you can distinguish between what is a real possibility and what is just a threat from your stbx...
If you don't have a bank account, I would open one, even if it is just savings, to begin having that... I would make copies of all important papers--pay stubs, tax returns, investment accounts... things have a mysterious way of getting changed or disappearing during a divorce... without the records, you may not be able to prove they exist... so prepare yourself...
Surround yourself with friends and those who love you... Also, you may wish to consider seeking help from a counselor, to help you get a better grasp on things or a physician, who may be able to perscribe something, if you're having difficulty sleeping or other symptoms...
Take it one day at a time... if that's too much, focus on one hour at a time... if that is too much, knock it down to five minutes... YOU CAN DO THIS... be strong... stay strong in front of him... Try to do something nice for yourself... And know that we're here for you... keep us posted...
Lots of hugs and good luck!
Julie
Thanks Julie for your advice. I happened to do our banking and bills,so i have control over that aspect.I just wish i could keep my emotions in check.Stbx just stops by all the time and uses the kids as an excuse.I told him not to do that anymore.He had to call and leave a message if he wanted to see the kids. He just seems to be doing better emotionally than I am. I guess that's because he already left our marriage emotionally a long time ago.I hope that phrase about what goes around comes around is true.I want to see my stbx suffer as much as my children and I have.I'll keep you posted.
Deb
hugs... you got some great advice from julie. you definately need to get a visitation schedule in order. its not good for anyone that your stbx is just dropping by whenever he feels like it. your kids need to know when its 'his' time, and it will also give YOU some free time. it will put some sense of order and stability.
also - you need to set up CS payments and so forth. who is staying int he house, who will pay for what. etc.
and i agree with julie that support for YOU is important. take care of yourself - make sure that you eat well, sleep well, and exercise. force yourself if you have to - but it really does help. and come here as often as you need.
Hey there Deb...
You're welcome... that's what we're here for... SK had some more great advice... about getting some visitation and support orders in place... as much as we'd like to trust our spouses, once they've made some noise about divorce, you do need to start protecting yourself...
You say you do the banking... but what if he stops getting his check deposited there? Just something to consider, so you have a plan in place, just in case... it may happen, it may not happen, but you can never be certain...
and you're right, this may not appear to be hurting him as much because he may have left the marriage a long time ago... I used to feel the way you do, that you "want to see my stbx suffer as much as my children and I have" but you may never actually see that... the important thing now is to stand up for your rights... talk to an attorney if you haven't all ready... find out your rights... right now, without certain things in place, your stbx has his cake and is eating it too... and yes, I went through a period of time when I let my now xh do this, while I was trying to pull it all back together, but eventually I got sick of the fact that he wasn't contributing to his son's expenses...
Sending you lots of hugs... please let us know if there is anything we can answer for you...
Julie
put one foot in front of the other and don't be afraid to cry!!! I swear I went through all of last month crying. People would say hi, how r u and I would lose it! But somehow by crying and grieving it has let me have some moments of happiness. I figure 1 moment leads to more if I just keep going.
Anna Nalick has a song out called "2AM". In it she states that life is like a hourglass glued to the table, noone has a rewind button so just BREATHE!!!! She's sooooo right!
Take care of yourself and know that I am just as lonely....always makes me feel better that I'm not alone!
I'm sending you a hug through the computer. This is going to be a difficult road, but you will survive. Please do not hurt yourself- your children need you to be as strong as you can be. I screamed, cried, thought about killing myself, got depressed, neglected the house and laundry, forgot to walk the dog, lost my mind... and then I went to my priest and he told me about a therapist who works for the church (for free!). She helped me onto the road of recovery. It's been difficult, but it gets better every day. Organize your self-read books about divorce, talk to divorced people, get your financial records in shape, plan for the future without him and hire a good atty. Good luck.
Laura