Any help appreciated!!
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 11:10am |
Ive been reading these message boards for awhile. Recently some hit really close to home. I have been married for 7 years and have been with my husband for 11 years total. I got married when I was 25 and had my daughter when I was 26.
Since we were best friends first, I really thought that the marriage would work out.
I stood by him when we went to college, I really didn’t see him for those 3 ½ years.
He did not want to have kids, and then I got pregnant. I really can’t say that he was thrilled, but he loves his daughter very much. That partly makes me feel guilty about my feelings.
I have not been happy in this marriage almost from the beginning. I have told him so many times over the years that I feel alone, and things aren’t working out. His answer was always “ill try”. Things will be good for about 2 weeks, and then it would go back to the same thing.
I realized recently that I am always putting him and everyone else ahead of myself. He decided to go back into the Military. (he’s an officer in the Air force Reserves) I totally supported him in that. Now, I have a personal goal to finally finish my degree (for Paralegal, possibly Law School) now the problems start. He does not support me regards to my education. Is that fair? am I asking too much?
We never go out anywhere, we haven’t been out to dinner in 7 months, we haven’t slept in the same bed for years, and we haven’t had sex in 2 years.
I’m only 31 years old. I feel like I deserve better than this. My mom told me that I need to do what’s best for me, and not to do anything to please someone else.
I just keep thinking about my little girl. My Dad left my mom after 23 years of marriage.
I don’t want her to be a product of divorce. But is it worth me not being happy for the next 20 years of my life?
There’s no much more, but Ill be typing all day. Any help or suggestions?

>>>My mom told me that I need to do what’s best for me, and not to do anything to please someone else.<<<
Your mom is partly right, but I don't think she said it will. We do things in marriage to please someone else, even when it's not the choice we would make if we were on our own. Marriage includes compromise. The problem comes in when you are the one making all the sacrifices, and when you cannot be yourself or be the best you can be *because* the other person is holding you back, or limiting your life in some way.
My advice would be to go to marriage counseling. Even if he won't go, you can go by yourself. That way you will have an expert helping you make absolutely sure this is the right decision for you - before you make this very big and irrevocable step towards divorce.
>>>I just keep thinking about my little girl. My Dad left my mom after 23 years of marriage. I don’t want her to be a product of divorce. But is it worth me not being happy for the next 20 years of my life?<<<
I felt the same about my dd. What I did for her, was try to see it from her perspective. Both her parents are very important to her, and when I told my ex-h that I wanted a divorce, one of his biggest concerns was becomming just a weekend dad. He didn't want that no matter what. I agreed to 50/50 physical custody for her sake, not because it was what I wanted. I convinced my ex-h that I wanted what was fair to both of us, and make decisions together that put dd's interests first. When you divorce, if you keep parenting together (co-parenting) then being a product of divorce is not so bad for the children. It's when one person (or both) have the divide and destroy mentality that things get ugly and then it's really hard for the children. My ex and I agreed that if the 50/50 custody did not work well for dd (she had a hard time) we would consider other options, but we also agreed we would do it for several months because we knew that no matter what dd would need some time to adjust. It was 4-5 weeks after we separated that she started to get the new routine and was okay with it. My ex and I talk most every day always about dd and how she is doing. We went through a process (it took months) to stop acting like a married couple and become strictly co-parents. The process wasn't easy and it took a lot of effort and communication, but it was worth it. My dd is much better off today than she was with a miserable mommy (her dad was happy living off me and staying married, as long as he didn't have to do anything for me when it came to sex or companionship) and I think she's got a daddy who's much better off too (because he's had to take responsibility for his own life).
Hi Crystal-
I am going through this now. I'm not going to say it's a bed of roses for either you or DD or even ex husband but I think it's worth it.
Married 13 years- everything has always been about my H. He was gone almost every weekend doing whatever he wanted to do- leaving me with the kids. Never would go to counseling- I finally got enough. Of course as soon as I said get out he wanted to go to counseling. It was too late for me. If your husband will go to counseling now then okay but no sex in 2 years??? Ummmmmmm- I don't think so!
I am spliting custody 50/50 with my STBXH. He loves the kids he was just never home. When he was home he was a fairly good dad. I just got tired of living like I was 55 instead of 36! I hope this makes him a better dad!
Good luck!
>>>He loves the kids he was just never home. When he was home he was a fairly good dad. I hope this makes him a better dad!<<<
I just wanted to share a little more of my story... I think the reason my ex-h didn't do much for dd is because I was always there doing it. I wanted to. When we agreed to divorce, his desire to be there for dd was strong. Now that he has her 1/2 the time, he does all the same things I do for her, he packs her lunch (although not always with the most healthy choices), he gives her baths, wakes up in the middle of the night if she wakes up... and to boot, there are some days when I pick her up and he was the one to drop her off that her hair is done! I ask her if her dad did that (I can tell because of the crookedness) and she replies yes. There is no way he would be doing her hair in pony tails if we had stayed married. But there he is in the morning and his dd looks at him and says "Daddy I want pony tails" and by gosh she gets pony tails.
If the desire to be a father is there, and the willingness is there on both parties to co-parent, it really can be a great situation (compared to staying in a bad marriage). The problem is when the dad doesn't want the responsibility, or mom doesn't want to give up control of the daily parenting, or when there are strong opinions on one side or the other that one parent is doing something the other parent can't live with, that co-parenting is really tough. Most reasonable people are capable of co-parenting.
I have been married 10-years and have 3 toddlers, and I want to divorce. In my case, my husband has a job which require him to stay overseas so many months and we don't really see him. So kids said they are fine with Mommy and Daddy not being together as long as they can see Daddy once in a while. Believe me or not, he is a great Daddy.
I decided to divorce because everything is always my fault. I told him, then he should leave and find his happiness. He is also a control freak who is insecure and wants to prevent me from having control over myself. But I always fought it. I have so much possibilities and I thought... why do I have to always choose either possibilities or my husband??? Idealy, it should be both. My husband SHOULD be happy for my promotions and chances which come across me. He should be pround of me.
So anyways, paralegal sounds good. Go for it! Ivillage also has "Moms in school" board where you find even single moms making best efforts. If he is not going to support you for your school, you should ask him to remove you from being a dependent on his tax. File for married separate if you don't live with him more than 6 months a year. You can then apply for a student loan.
I really wish you well!
Hi... and Welcome.... too many times these guys see it as a threat if we do anything to further our independence.... where we might leave them, especially if they know things are rocky.
My EX always wanted me to quit my job and work with him (he's self employed, and has never really been able to get his business past just getting by).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~