Any Michigan STB's w/suggestions????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Any Michigan STB's w/suggestions????
2
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 9:58pm

I'm from Jackson, Michigan and will be going to a conciliation hearing (meeting w/Friend of the Court to determine support) in a week. Here's my situation in a nutshell:

I am recently separated from my hubby of 13 years.

Me - 38 yrs
STBX - 40 yrs
Son #1 - 7 yrs
Son #2 - 4 yrs
Married 13 years, together 18 years

I was laid off my job in 2002 and we agreed I'd be a SAHM. As soon as that happened, he stopped doing all jobs around the house. I couldn't even get the man to empty the dishwasher. I became pregnant with #2 and things got progressively worse.

Moved from small apartment to house that needs some work but is in okay shape. Move happened while I was 6 mos along. After baby #2 arrived, I got no help whatsoever with the housework, baby or older child since I'm the SAHM he didn't feel the need to help out. Son #2 didn't sleep through the night until 2 years old and even now he wakes up periodically in the night. It's always been my job to look after the children when they're healthy, sick, whenever.

Hubby and I fought constantly about the messy house. He'd put me down by criticizing my weight, lack of job, poor cleaning skills. I'm just plain tired most of the time. I don't feel like doing the cleaning when I've had only 4 to 5 hours of sleep. Of course he slept in every day since he works outside the home and his sleep ALWAYS came first.

We both became depressed and I found myself getting sick a lot and yelling at the kids too much. I decided to go see a therapist, who helped me to see that I was allowing this crap by being passive in my marriage so I started asserting myself more. The more I did this, the more he claimed the therapy wasn't working and I'd better shape up. This coming from a man who's in borderline bipolar depression and refuses to admit it or take his antidepressants (I'm the one with the problem, not him).

In the past year, I've discovered that I'm dealing with a massive hormonal imbalance as well as rheumatoid arthritis. This explains a lot of the tiredness and bitchiness that I've experienced. He told me recently he's tired of my illnesses and he thinks they're probably in my head most of the time. I guess physical lab results don't mean squat.

Things came to a head in November, when he told me he is attracted to a coworker and he asked if we can repair our marriage. We agreed to go to counseling but it never happened. We went on a road trip Thanksgiving weekend to visit my family. That Friday, the boys and I caught the Norovirus and by Saturday, I was so sick - not a fun thing when you're travelling from Atlanta to Michigan. Well, we arrived home on Saturday when dear hubby dumps me and the sick kids at the house while he drives 2 hours away to be with his girlfriend.

When he got back I told him I would not put up with his infidelity and we should just divorce if she's what he wants. We agreed to do it after the holidays, for the benefit of the kids. The next week, he came home 3 hours late every night. I told him on Friday that we were stepping up the schedule and he was not living in the house anymore. He moved the next day to his grandmother's empty trailer. His parents said he could use it, but with the understanding the girlfriend was not to move in with him, nor was he allowed to smoke in it.

Long story short, he's smoking in it, the GF is in there every day of the week except the days the boys visit. She's wormed her way into their lives and they act like such the little family it makes me want to vomit. The worst part of it is that SHE'S married and has only been separated for 2 months from her spouse. She also has a 12 yr old son who she leaves with friends during the week so she can sleep with my hubby.

He's been trying to push on me that the GF is not the problem and that I am just not admitting to any wrongdoing. Yeah, I know I made mistakes but this midlife crisis he seems to be having is ridiculous.

I am so angry when it comes time to drop the kids off it makes me furious. He's got it made. He sleeps with the GF during the week and plays the good Dad on weekends. Hell, I haven't even had sex in 3 yrs because I was too "unattractive" to him (she's not much different from me, except she weighs a little more I think).

I just can't believe the man who told me he'd love me forever has dumped me in 1 month for another person. Worse, he sees nothing wrong with his attitude or actions. He tries to lay a guilt trip on me when we do talk because he knows what buttons to push he also says I'm "playing the victim" and I should just get over it.

I'm getting nervous and scared about the conciliation hearing. I'm putting together documentation of everything I can about the situation, timelines, $$, etc. I plan on having 3 copies of everything bound together in a folder.

PLEASE! Any suggestions on how else I can prepare? Have you gone through this before? STBX says that he expects to get 1/3 of his pay, more than likely more as the Conciliator will probably up the amount he already takes out. What do you think? As a SAHM with 2 kids, I make $0. How can he just up and take a ton out of each paycheck????

Thanks!

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:33pm
I' so sorry you're going through this. I just signed on today because I found out about the "girlfriend" 2 weeks ago, I have a 6 month old and a 5 year old. He is doing the same, he denies that he has done anything wrong - i forced him too it. This sucks and I understand. Stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 6:56am

Hi Lisa-

I'm not sure what the laws in Michigan are regarding child support but this is the stuff I had to prepare for my lawyer:

3 years tax returns
3 years of bank statements
Try and get a copy of his paycheck
If you own your home, they will need a copy of the settlement statement when you purchased the home.
My lawyer also asked for phone records that showed all the phone calls my STBX made to his girlfriend on my families company phone. (6000 minutes in one month when you use to average 1500)

I had to prepare a financial statement outlining everying I paid for expenses in one month. Your STBX will be ordered by the court to do the same.

In CT they figure child support by taking both your incomes and then looking on a table to see how much it takes to support a child based on the income. I know for CT he gets the first $145.00 of his pay to survive, the rest is available for child support.

In CT, there is also alimony depending on the amount of years you have been married. i.e. I have been married 12 years (anyone in CT married more than 10 years gets alimony). They took my salary and his salary and they took the difference. Then they subtracted cs from him added it to me and the remaining difference was split in half. (My STBX makes double what I make). I don't know what Michigan does for alimony.

I hope this helps.

Brenda