any tips for living in the same house while splitting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012
any tips for living in the same house while splitting?
13
Sun, 02-12-2012 - 9:45pm

Hi all,

I am in so much emotional pain today. I've been married for 7 years (no kids, 40s), most of which have been difficult. My DH is a workaholic with very little emotion and very little interest in being part of a couple. He put on a great show while we were dating. Once we got married, much changed. Real life with a spouse doesn't seem to be his thing. He has told me that he doesn't like someone relying on him.

We've been to a few counselors over a three year period - sex stopped 2 years ago(he does not bring that up as a problem, I do) In the past few years my DH has said he wanted to work things out, as did I. There hasn't been much "work" on his part. Things have stayed pretty much the same. I have been working on my issues, obviously it takes two. He has even said he sees a change - I thought that was a good thing.

Recently he made a fairly large life decision without me. This has been a problem for the last few years. He basically acts single. My thoughts and feelings are not considered in most if not all of what he does. I'd never hold him back, I don't want to make his decisions for him, I just want to be involved in OUR life. These decisions affect our finances and many other aspects of our life and I think they should be talked about. He basically will not talk to me.

That's all background I guess. Now, I have suggested a separation. He barely batted an eye and said he agreed. At first he mentioned keeping the house so things would go more quickly. Now, he has decided he wants to move. Our house needs some work before we could ever put it on the market and the market is terrible here like everywhere. I have been trying to get motivated to do some of the fixes but its really difficult. It just makes me sad.

He has made no attempt to start any of the repairs. He is acting like nothing is happening. We still sleep in the same bed!

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

You need solid legal advice before you do ANYTHING like move out. Get some pronto!

Have you actually contacted a real estate agent and have them look at the house and do a price analysis? If you haven't, all is guess work. Stop listening to "they said" and what you hear in the news and GET INFORMATION about your property from someone who's qualified to give it. You may not have to make these alleged repairs at all or leave it and see if anyone asks you to do specific things if they want the house. Again, don't assume you know your house won't sell and this and that the other thing. FIND PEOPLE WHO CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.

You also need to push the pencil on what you can afford on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012

If it takes years, I won't make it. I've already wasted enough time. Hopefully we can come to some sort of legal agreement where one of us can move out while still trying to sell the house. I don't care which one of us stays in it at this point.

The repairs aren't cosmetic, they are necessary..like large holes in ceilings and wiring where a light should be. I'm not putting a nickle in that

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Sorry for your pain, but here's my honst opinion of your situation It does sound like he has no intrest in being married anymore. I think that he has most likely checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and I would suspect if you haven't had sex for 2 years that he may have been/is seeing someone else for a while because men do not usually want to just stop having sex and go without it for 2 years Since he has decided he wants to move then maybe you should stay in the house for now. Since he seems to have no interest in fixing up the house (or the marriage) himself would he agree to pay someone to come in and do the repairs? Since rents are so high in your area and he seems to have no interest in the house do you think it would be cheaper for you to just stay in the house and let him leave? I would tell him that you had a realtor look at the house and that they said you won't be able to sell it in the existing condition (which is no doubt true if there are things that aren't even up to code) Maybe he has no interest in his share of the house and wants out quickly. If that is the case he may be willing to just sign the house over to you as is. Talk to a lawyer and see what they think your best bet would be. If it were me (and I could afford it and felt safe in the neighborhood) I'd try to keep the house rather than live in an apartment. GOOD LUCK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

I would definitely speak with a few lawyers, and get an idea of the process.

I would also rearrange the home to accomodate 2 separate individuals, instead of a couple.

Get a few different realtors in to see the house.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
In reply to: libbybyday
Mon, 02-13-2012 - 3:13pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012

I make an OK living but sadly, I cannot afford the house on my own. I cannot imagine any court granting me alimony. I have been told and it's been my experience that alimony is not as common, especially when the spouse is an educated working professional with a job - doesn't really matter if his/her standard of living will go down after the divorce...also, I don't really want a handout, just what

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

well? why not put house up for sale the way it is. You never know what could happen? It might be better than living there in limbo waiting for the economy to get better but I do know how that goes..

I lived with a stbx in the marital houe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2012

freeatlast.....wow.

I'm so sorry you spent so much time in that situation. It is awful. Thanks for your story. It motivates me to get this going. I have to stop listening to the voice in my head that says not to walk away because it just might work out someway somehow. We are just too different in what we need and want in life and in a marriage.

Not looking forward to the dating scene myself.

I wish good things for you!!

lib

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2012
I am so sorry to hear of your plythe, but your story really hit me hard. I read and reread this over and over. I was convinced that this is my lovers wife writing this. Im not proud of being the other woman, it takes two! Your story is exactly what he has told me. So if you are NOT her (which your probably not)...just know you're not alone. Many women have the same story. My only advice is, either grab ahold of your hubby and get counciling or get out quickly, either way this will not be without pain. Sorry.....

Pages