any tips for survival?
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| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:04pm |
I'm in the middle of my divorce, just went to the pro-se class last week, and I'm about ready to get a prescription for prozac. I am so depressed that I have no clue how to function anymore.
I'm always wanting to cry lately. Every night, every day. But, no tears ever seem to come. It's like my tear ducts are dry. I've tried praying, all the time lately, but it doesn't seem to help my feelings any. I want to be able to move on, to feel again, but I can't. It seems like the whole world is against me.
I moved back home two months ago, strategic mistake, after living with d/h for two years. I have another two months till college starts again, and I cannot wait. It seems that I don't do anything right. I didn't even start the bbq grill right tonight - I used the wrong match. Its wierd, sometimes, I get yelled at for doing everything wrong, then my mother will want to be best friends with me. Like, I said I needed to start a diet. "Oh, we'll go on one together." I need to start walking. "We'll go right after supper." I bought a knitting kit. "Oh, I'll go buy one too, we can work together." When I ask for time alone (aka, I'm shutting my bedroom door, leave me be), she'll open the door, "it's too hot for your door to be closed." Then she'll come out with something like "stop being depressed, your sister's wedding is in three months." Oh, great, I get to sit through vows and serve punch. Yeah for me. Oh, and the most irritating thing: I had two beers in one night, so that makes me a lush. If I'd have cracked a third, I'd be a drunk.
I actually think that I'm about to lose my job that I just got (not a great job, at a front desk for the summer, but hey, I'm still a college student) because, get this, I'm too smart for the boss. I'm a business management and accounting student, and just got my associates degree two weeks ago. I'm trying to work based on principles I've learned, but I'm told that the way I subtracted something was wrong, it was easier to do it this way (which is what the IRS says NOT to do). I cannot afford to lose my job. I need to buy a new laptop for fall. Hope my ex doesn't find out. I'm about to start a second job for the summer, this'll make about 70 hours a week of work, plus a 3 credit course. Maybe working all the time will take my mind off of my depression. But, when I tell my boss, at his prompting, my plans for the future, I get told that my plans are pipedreams and I might as well get used to the idea of working for a small hotel or something my whole life - that I'll never get past Saratoga. To that, I say (in my mind) screw you, my life is about my dreams, and right now, the only person I'm responsible to is myself, so as long as I'll be happy, thats all that matters.!!!
Maybe I am just complaining too much, and should just stop (w)itching all the time. But, when I feel like this, I just can't help it. Sorry this has been so long, I just needed to vent. But, any advice for me?

You definetly sound like you need to seek counseling. It can help you work through your depression and other feelings.
Also, perhaps your mom is opening your door because she is worried about you. Maybe she feels that by you shutting your door, you are having too much alone time and it's making you even more sad. Have you tried talking to her?
It sounds like you've got lots of great things lined up!..... You've got goals, ambitions... and a road map to get there.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the upbeat :)
I've tried talking to my mom, but its almost a hopeless case. She just let me know that she's started estrogen for menopause, so that is most likely the cause of the mood swings. I do know that my parents both understand how I feel. When I kicked my STBX out, I called them (probably my tenth call to them that day), crying "He's Gone, He's Really Gone" and sobbing. So they both know that I'm in alot of pain right now, and that it'll take alot of time for me to get back to normal, whatever that is.
As far as my job goes, I left last night. After being off for five days, I get in to work early yesterday, and my boss hands me a book. It was Emily Post's Etiquette, with sections highlighted for me to study. I asked for an explination, and was told that I had the worst etiquette that he had ever seen in his life, and he would not stand for it. This from a guy who installed a farting dog in the lobby of his hotel. I just handed him the book, took off my nametag, and walked out, without a word. But now, I'm out of a job until I get an interview for the new one (which has been promised, I just have to wait for the call).
I guess the hardest part about moving past the job and everything has been my sister constantly telling me that no one cares about my life, that I should act as a robot, and that there is no such thing as depression (she's a Tom Cruise believer). Oh, and my boss was totally within his boundaries to give me a book on etiquette. I'm learning to tune her out.
Anyways, thanks for making me feel better. :)))) As far as the prozac goes, I'm getting the prescription next week.
OMG, I lived the same life almost 20 years ago. When I was in college and shortly out of college my relationship with my parents was not the greatest. I was so relieved to be away from them and earning barely enough money to get through college and be somewhat independent. I stayed with them off and on, and then I lived with them for the six months prior to marriage. It was exactly as you describe: I couldn't do anything right. It is a miracle I managed to get out of bed and go to work/college for four years---they treated me like an idiot. My mom flipflopped between being a friend and freaking out on me. She wouldn't let me be alone for 2 minutes. And her bad mood was always my fault.
I think the problem was that with an empty nest, she had no one to 'be'. When I was around, she had someone to be 'a mother' but it no longer fit because I was grown up. AND she realized she didn't like who she was anymore. Kinda like how I felt with my STBX before I convinced him to move out.
God bless you and hang in there! Take the Prozac, I've been on it for 6 years and I swear if I had been on it in college I NEVER would have married STBX in the first place.
It really won't be like this forever!
Your boss was an obvious jerk; you did the right thing by walking out. You know you and your sister have different philosophies, so you'll just have to tune her out. No such thing as depression? C'mon. And, yes, prozac could help you. Talk with a counselor or your doctor.
You'll feel bad for a while. You know you did the right thing and that should help. It's too bad you have to be with your parents, but it's safe, right? So make the best of it. It's funny, I immediately thought of menopause when you said that you don't seem to be doing anything right. I wondered if your mother was at that age. Oh well. Then she probably knows all about mood swings too.
It gets better. Truly. Hang in there.
No such thing as depression? A Tom Cruise fan? Maybe you should keep the card of whatever therapist you see because she'll need it in a few years when her marriage goes down the toilet. Who knows? Maybe Tom and Katie's marriage will end at the same time hers does and she can just follow Tom's lead on how to deal with it. UGH.
I got on Lexapro after my marriage fell apart. I made it through my daughter's birth and 10 of her surgeries without meds so probably I could have made it through this but WHY? So I can have bragging rights that I was able to wallow in misery for a long time and "do it myself?" Please...If you have a headache, you take a pain killer. If you have diabetes, you take insulin. If you have depression, you take something for that. Why let what this divorce is doing to you affect your whole life? Plan to be on something for a year and then wean yourself off.
Good luck with the new job. I hope it goes really well for you. BTW, I am NOT defending the old boss but maybe the way you dealt with people has been a little off because of your life circumstances. Take a look at what he wanted to read and see if it could be so that you can let your doctor know about it. As I said, NOT defending your boss. Even if your attitude was off, a good boss would bring you in and and talk to you about everything. A good boss builds your self esteem. I only mentioned this because it is all about YOU taking care of YOU and being the best YOU!
Keep us posted.