Anybody have a crystal ball?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Anybody have a crystal ball?
2
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:50pm

How do you decide whether it would be better for yourself and your children to divorce or to stick it out? I've been married 14 years, we have two fabulous kids, ds 11, dd 7. We live in a great town with a top rated school system in a nice house; I freelance p/t so I can be home with the kids. Such a cushy little life, except that my husband is emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He has wished me dead, "the sooner the better," right in front of my kids. He criticizes everything about me -- my beliefs, my opinions, my appearance, all of it. He has no friends, wants no friends, and expects that I should have no friends. If he has an idea of somewhere to go or something to do, it's the best idea out there. If the kids or I have an idea, it's idiotic. He is so controlling and anal that most of our time together as a family involves him barking his impatient little orders at us. He cannot bear to see me relaxing, watching TV or reading a book, so he has to point out some trivial thing that I need to do right away. (He never reads, he thinks it is rude for me to read while he is home.) When he gets into a rage, he is impossible to reason with. I am so stressed/depressed, I feel like I am losing myself, or that I do not like the person I am becoming. I am starting to fight back a lot more, and so the abuse sessions are turning into nasty battles. My kids are getting to the ages where they are keenly aware of what's going on, and they are beginning to be used as a tool by my husband. He will point out some perceived flaw of mine, and try to convince my kids that they should agree with him/gang up on me.

So, if we divorce, gone is the cushy little life in the suburbs. Gone is my nice p/t freelance job. Gone is the great school system for my kids. (I cannot afford to live here as a single mom.) Things get hard, right? So, what's worse for them? Losing socioeconomic status/stability, or growing up in a verbally/emotionally abusive household? Just a note: my inlaws have been married for 45 years, and they are positively venomous to each other. They have been that way since the day I met them 17 years ago. My MIL called me on my 14th anniversary and offered me her "secret" to a long marriage: ignore your spouse. I can't do it. I'm not even 40 yet, and I want to feel valued, liked, appreciated, even loved. I feel nothing.

The worst part is imagining 20 years from now seeing my beautiful, sweet daughter being verbally assaulted and taking it, because she thinks that's how love/marriage are supposed to be. Or watching my good-natured, good-hearted son turn into an abuser, because his mom never showed him it was uuacceptable.

Wow, sorry to ramble. Anyway, the question is: How do you decide? What would you do if you were me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 1:06am
With any kind of advice, my crystal ball says LEAVE NOW. I put up with being mainly severely verbally and psychologically abused, but with some physical and severe sexual abuse thrown in, for 18 years before I left. It was too late for my oldest child. My younger ones are least somewhat better for it. I just waited too long for all of my children's good. My biggest regret in life is and always with be not having left sooner.

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I am unable ot give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 6:42am

Hi Joywriter,

Go to the domestic abuse board and check out their resources. I think once you do some research you will easily make your decision. I was married for 27 years to verbally abusive, manipulative man and wished I would have left alot sooner. I think one of the reasons I stayed so long was that I just gave up and quit fighting back. You need to prepare yourself though of what he will put you through if you make this decision. He will use the children and for a while it will be real messy. You can do it though and it will all be worth it in the end.

Terry