Anyone divorced but still friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Anyone divorced but still friends?
4
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:25pm

I read a similar post then decided to jump on to the board. Brief history, hubby and I have been married for 10yrs. High school sweethearts etc. In 2001 he had an affair, in 2005 I found out (not a pretty scene). I lost my trust in him, and sometimes it feels now like marriage is a job an obligation. No smiling and having fun no adventure. Anyway, I love him with all my heart, he's my daughters father and is a wonderful one at that. But like the other post said, here I am 31 and unsure of the world out there. Part of me, the part that cannot seem to forgive him wants to stay out late, date , fool around, find me, become that person you said you wanted to be on the 3rd grade paper "What I want to be when I grow up."

But like I said I love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him. Its strange sometimes I feel like we could you quit and start new lives and not hate each other. But other times I feel like it would be an evil all out war. I don't want my daughter to get hurt, but is my unhappiness hurting her more?

I want us to have equal parts in her life without being at each other over something stupid, like who we are dating things like that. Can friendship with a spouse happen after there no longer a spouse? Do we separate and see if absense make the heart grow fonder? HELP words of wisdom and experience welcome.

Broken98

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:38pm
You know I have just filed myself and mine won't become final until December13th. Ours has been a 21 year marrriage and 4 years of dating before that...I always said it was like we grew up together. I honestly thought that after the divorce that I would give him time to get himself straight (one more time - if the drugs & prostitutes) don't kill him first - and that maybe just maybe we could do things "as a family" without being married. But when that thing he is obviously living with called and threatened me two times Thursday with both of my children there (and I SHOULD BE THREATENING HER) I decided right then and there that he has blown it all. It makes me so sad - we never had a perfect marriage - but we always had a good home for our children to grow up in and he just honest to goodness walked out one day - September 17th and has never came back. He hasn't called them or anything. There are tears rolling down my face now - but I"m not sure if they are tears of loneliness, tears for might what have been or tears beause I am so ticked off at him for what he has done - and now for what our children will have to do without because we were use to a two income home (at least when he had a job). My parents are stepping in and paying alot - but they can't pay everything that he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 5:07pm

I am friends with my ex, not cuddly friend but we can hang out together and few fights we have is due to him being stupid and he knows that he has done wrong but doesn't tell me but his best friend, who tell me.


I am 30 and has been divorced for 3 years, I do like my ex husband as friend but not as life partner.


There was child involved but we talk to him and told him why and that we still would love him even if I wasn't there anymore. I had been the kids stepmum since he was toddler but for all involved peace of mind, I left, even if I wasn't

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:12pm

Broken,


Hi. My first question for you is this: Have the two of you sought professional marriage counseling since your discovery of his affair? If not, please go! You've got a lot to fight for and I encourage you to do it! Divorce is A LOT of hard work. Staying together is A LOT of hard work, especially after an affair, but IT'S WORTH IT!


So, put aside your personal feelings and go for your daugther. What better reason to work on yourselves as individuals and your marriage. I also warn you: counseling isn't "just" for your husband, it's for you, too. Men stray for different reasons than women, FIND OUT WHY HE STRAYED! Find out how you can contribute to rebuilding that trust. Find out how you can go foward together instead of separately. It's worth it!


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:39pm
Im seperated waiting for my divorce to be final and because of the hurt and anger i feel i can't be friends with the STBX , he would like that because he wants his cake and eat it too , he fell in love with a co- worker and after a 19 yr marriage left because of course the new relationship was exciting and meeting all his selfish needs , he hurt my children and i think it will take alot of time for the kids esp to heal when they are older they know whats going on they don't want this soon to be step mom forced on them, they truely want their parents together and not with anyone else. I encourage my kids to come to terms with the situation and find peace for he will always be their DAd , for me im free from the situation and i don't be friend people that are like the STBX and for me thats what divorce means no longer having to be hurt !!!