Anyone else "The Cheater"?
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Anyone else "The Cheater"?
| Mon, 08-28-2006 - 8:21pm |
Just wondering if anyone else here had an affair, fell in love and left their marriage. Did it work? Are you blissfully happy? I'm hoping to hear that yall are b/c I did the same thing and now I'm feeling very confused and smothered by Affair Guy. I've been married for 17 years and have been lonely for the past 5 or so. I started seeing AG 3 years ago and have been on and off since then. It's fun for awhile, but then AG starts pressuring me to leave STBX and I get scared and stop communication. However, after a few months of being ignored by STBX I couldn't help myself. I called AG and here we go again. I left home 3 months ago and got my owm place, hoping to "find myself". AG thinks now I'm not with STBX we can spend every waking moment together. Me, not so much. I am SO enjoying this newfound freedom and independence! Yes, I am crazy about AG, but only in small doses. He gets hurt whenever he asks me out and I say no. Especially when I have nothing else going on except wanting my "me time". I don't want to lose him since he really is a great guy, but I just can't give him what he needs, right now anyway. Any words of wisdom?

You asked for "words of wisdom" - mine are: "Time, honesty, respect...and counseling".
Don't let AG pressure you into anything. That doesn't show respect. You need time to heal, time to find yourself again. You need time to think about what went wrong in your first marriage, how you could be "lonely" for 5 years with your stbxH. If AG is truly such a "great guy", he'll understand that you need time to be yourself. A man can be "perfect", but not necessarily perfect for you. If he IS the right man for you, someone who can respect you and love you for who you are, (which includes being a woman who likes some time by herself!), he'll still be the right one for you a year from now. You need someone with whom you can be totally honest. If you're not comfortable being yourself, or if he's not comfortable with who you are, then as "great" as he might be, he's not the one for you.
In the meantime, I recommend seeing a counselor, to help you work through what went wrong with your STBX so that you don't make the same mistakes twice.
Good luck.
- L.
Yes, maybe and no, in that order.
Yes, I had an EA to get myself out of a 20 year abusive marriage. Not smart, but it's history.
Maybe it worked. He had an EA 2 years into our marriage with his high school sweetheart (dang that school site) that lasted a year. I didn't find out until 4 years later on 10-29-05. We are trying to rebuild.
No, I'm not blissfully happy for the above reason.
My dh waited 56 years to get married. Then... this. I don't condone affairs. I understand why I had an emotional affair. I understand that it wasn't the smart thing to do or the best thing to do, but it's done. I got out. To me, that is the most important thing regardless of how I did it.
So... now you all know my story.
My word of wisdom is that "AG" opened your eyes to the fact that you weren't as happy as you wanted to be in your marriage.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I am really glad you brought this up... I am "the cheater," although my husband never really found out the extent to which I was fooling around. I had first an internet-fling, which was very emotional but never would have made it to becoming a "real life" relationship; a physical relationship while my husband was doing a lot of traveling, which seemed wonderful at the start but I had to end because the man turned out to be very possessive and I didn't like him any more, and I knew he was very much in love with me; and finally, the "love of my life" affair, which ended abruptly a few weeks ago (by the Affair Guy, not by me.)
My predicament now is that I have had my eyes opened to the fact that there was so much missing from my marriage. I've been trying, believe it or not, very hard for 2 years to get my husband to pay more attention to me, be around more, etc. and he CLAIMS that he wants to be there for me but NOTHING ever changes. I've even told him that... recounted the discussions and told him that nothing has changed. he doesn't come to bed at night. He only helps out with the kids when I force him to. He discourages me from doing anything I want to do. He only pays attention to me when I'm having a complete emotional breakdown (and I am VERY vocal about my needs, so this is a lot of ignoring he's doing.)
Anyway, I have had no contact with Love-of-my-life Affair Guy for several weeks now, and I feel like even though I still miss him awfully, the problems in my marriage are not because of him. I feel that even if I have no chance of ever seeing AG again in my life, my marriage is over, at least as I knew it before. I no longer have the same feelings or expectations of my husband... and I don't know that there's any hope of me finding loving feelings for him again...
Ugh!
That was a lot to unload. Sorry!
Anyway, I hope I haven't bored all of you to death, but I welcome any insights anyone might feel like providing...and again, Thanks for posting this topic.
Thanks for reading, too!
Hugs.
Spesco