Anyone else "The Cheater"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Anyone else "The Cheater"?
6
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 8:21pm
Just wondering if anyone else here had an affair, fell in love and left their marriage. Did it work? Are you blissfully happy? I'm hoping to hear that yall are b/c I did the same thing and now I'm feeling very confused and smothered by Affair Guy. I've been married for 17 years and have been lonely for the past 5 or so. I started seeing AG 3 years ago and have been on and off since then. It's fun for awhile, but then AG starts pressuring me to leave STBX and I get scared and stop communication. However, after a few months of being ignored by STBX I couldn't help myself. I called AG and here we go again. I left home 3 months ago and got my owm place, hoping to "find myself". AG thinks now I'm not with STBX we can spend every waking moment together. Me, not so much. I am SO enjoying this newfound freedom and independence! Yes, I am crazy about AG, but only in small doses. He gets hurt whenever he asks me out and I say no. Especially when I have nothing else going on except wanting my "me time". I don't want to lose him since he really is a great guy, but I just can't give him what he needs, right now anyway. Any words of wisdom?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:58am

You asked for "words of wisdom" - mine are: "Time, honesty, respect...and counseling".

Don't let AG pressure you into anything. That doesn't show respect. You need time to heal, time to find yourself again. You need time to think about what went wrong in your first marriage, how you could be "lonely" for 5 years with your stbxH. If AG is truly such a "great guy", he'll understand that you need time to be yourself. A man can be "perfect", but not necessarily perfect for you. If he IS the right man for you, someone who can respect you and love you for who you are, (which includes being a woman who likes some time by herself!), he'll still be the right one for you a year from now. You need someone with whom you can be totally honest. If you're not comfortable being yourself, or if he's not comfortable with who you are, then as "great" as he might be, he's not the one for you.

In the meantime, I recommend seeing a counselor, to help you work through what went wrong with your STBX so that you don't make the same mistakes twice.

Good luck.
- L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:44am

Yes, maybe and no, in that order.

Yes, I had an EA to get myself out of a 20 year abusive marriage. Not smart, but it's history.

Maybe it worked. He had an EA 2 years into our marriage with his high school sweetheart (dang that school site) that lasted a year. I didn't find out until 4 years later on 10-29-05. We are trying to rebuild.

No, I'm not blissfully happy for the above reason.

My dh waited 56 years to get married. Then... this. I don't condone affairs. I understand why I had an emotional affair. I understand that it wasn't the smart thing to do or the best thing to do, but it's done. I got out. To me, that is the most important thing regardless of how I did it.

So... now you all know my story.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:09am

My word of wisdom is that "AG" opened your eyes to the fact that you weren't as happy as you wanted to be in your marriage.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 5:36pm
Thank you all for the good advice. I really appreciate being able to get all this out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 6:56pm

I am really glad you brought this up... I am "the cheater," although my husband never really found out the extent to which I was fooling around. I had first an internet-fling, which was very emotional but never would have made it to becoming a "real life" relationship; a physical relationship while my husband was doing a lot of traveling, which seemed wonderful at the start but I had to end because the man turned out to be very possessive and I didn't like him any more, and I knew he was very much in love with me; and finally, the "love of my life" affair, which ended abruptly a few weeks ago (by the Affair Guy, not by me.)
My predicament now is that I have had my eyes opened to the fact that there was so much missing from my marriage. I've been trying, believe it or not, very hard for 2 years to get my husband to pay more attention to me, be around more, etc. and he CLAIMS that he wants to be there for me but NOTHING ever changes. I've even told him that... recounted the discussions and told him that nothing has changed. he doesn't come to bed at night. He only helps out with the kids when I force him to. He discourages me from doing anything I want to do. He only pays attention to me when I'm having a complete emotional breakdown (and I am VERY vocal about my needs, so this is a lot of ignoring he's doing.)

Anyway, I have had no contact with Love-of-my-life Affair Guy for several weeks now, and I feel like even though I still miss him awfully, the problems in my marriage are not because of him. I feel that even if I have no chance of ever seeing AG again in my life, my marriage is over, at least as I knew it before. I no longer have the same feelings or expectations of my husband... and I don't know that there's any hope of me finding loving feelings for him again...

Ugh!
That was a lot to unload. Sorry!

Anyway, I hope I haven't bored all of you to death, but I welcome any insights anyone might feel like providing...and again, Thanks for posting this topic.

Thanks for reading, too!
Hugs.
Spesco

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:04pm
Same story here. Although my STBX knew about the affair b/c I told him. I was also tired of being ignored and having to beg for affection. I loved my husband and wanted it from him, but he was always too busy or tired. Sooner or later you're going to find it from someone else. I'm sorry about your LOMLAG, but like you said it helped open your eyes to the problems in your marriage. Have yall tried counseling? We did and it worked for awhile, but STBX got lazy and forgot all about how we were supposed to go on spontaneous dates a few times a month, send each other sexy emails, give each other a compliment every morning when we woke up, just little things that if you really want it to work you'll work it every single day. I've come to the conclusion that he really didn't want it bad enough. But, if you do then try some of those things. It's fun and it does bring you together. As far as your LOMFAG goes; maybe it's for the best. Mine is still around and I kinda wish he wasn't. Like so many wise women have told me, you need this time to reflect w/o any outside influences. I hope all goes well with you and you do what you have to do to be happy. :-)