Anyone else the divorcer....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Anyone else the divorcer....
15
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 10:21am

not the divorced? I think I've stayed married so long because of what ppl would say, since I'm the one that would be requesting the divorce. I feel like I'll be shunned or told that I'm giving up. That all they sympathy and empathy would go to him because he doesn't want to get divorced.

The thing is....I don't have any of the "typical" solid reasons that ppl think of when you say divorce. He didn't cheat on me, doesn't abuse me, works hard, helps around the house, great dad...just an all around normal, decent guy. There's just no love there. No love.....and no sex. For 8 years. We'll be married 9 in a couple of weeks. I know.....I'll give you some time to pick your jaws up off the floor. LOL Crazy. We never had counseling.....because we're stupid and we really only talked about the problem 2 times, like 6 years ago. After that....I just let it go and proceeded to convince myself that I could live this way forever because he's good in every other aspect. I mean, come on.....the way I described him....sounds like a dream man, right? So....I lived with it. I still don't know what the problem was. I'm an attractive woman. I'm in even better shape and more attractive at 31 then I was when he met me at 18. That's because I kept thinking maybe it was me....he wasn't attracted to me. So I made sure to stay in shape. During my pregnancy (through IVF because remember, we didn't have sex! yes..I thought maybe if we had kids, which we always wanted, that would help. LOL Kids....helping with a sex-life? Man...I'm dumb sometimes.LOL Not that I regret it, I love my babies with all my soul.) I only gained 36 lbs. and that's with twins! And I lost those pounds in 5 weeks after the birth. So I tried, I really tried. In the beginning I always tried to initiate sex....but there's only so many times you can get rejected before you just stop trying. I mean....I have pride too! He told me he wasn't gay....he didn't have ED because sometimes when we were sleeping, I could feel him get erect in his sleep and sometimes when he thought I was sleeping I could hear the faint sound of a porno and him masturbating (can you say kick in the gut?!) I never confronted him about that....I think it was because I was afraid of the answer at the time. I know he wasn't cheating on me because I knew about his whereabouts at all times. Work.....home. He doesn't even have any friends that he hangs out with, so he doesn't go out. I checked cell phone bills...all of that....there was a time I WISHED he was cheating on me just so that I could have an answer as to WHY?! Anyway...time went by with no sex and well.....with no sex, there's really no marriage. We just became like friends. Then with more time...probably because of resentment, it became more like roommates. Now, I'm thinking about divorce because it's becoming more like annoying roommate that you can't stand and daydream about cleaning the toilet with their toothbrush!

I would love an amicable divorce, I don't hate him (though I will if this goes on too much longer) and I want him in our babys' lives, and I don't want to disrespect him by telling anybody the reason why we didn't work out. But I don't want to come out the bad guy if he tells ppl he doesn't want to get divorced and it's all me doing it. Because then I will have to tell them why......and that's pretty embarrassing, no? Especially for a guy....am I wrong? I don't want to hurt him, I don't. I care about him. I don't blame him for all of it because I know I should have been stronger and done something about it back then. And I'm angry at myself about that. I'm usually a very strong, independent person. A leader, not a follower and I'm angry with myself for not having been stronger with this. I let fear make my decision.

I come from a very old school, European family....divorce is bad. A girl getting divorced.....not even heard of! So I know that if my mother gets ahold of that it's my idea.....she will flip! And I know some of you are going to say that I shouldn't care, I'm an adult and all that......but anyone who has an old-school, controlling, Spaniard mother, knows what I'm talking about. To her, I'm 10 not 31 and she is free to try to run my life the way she thinks I should! LOL That's for a different support board though!

It comes down to....I kinda feel guilty that I'm finally happy because I'm getting divorced. I'm sad for my children though I know they'll be ok because of the enormous love both their parents and grandparents and uncles and aunts give them, it still breaks my heart that they won't be raised in a "typical" family setting. But I know that I would not want this life for my kids in their marriage, that's how I know I shouldn't be living it either. I wasted my 20's in a loveless marriage. I don't want to wake up at 40 and say I wasted my 30's as well. So I guess I'm just looking for ppl to tell me that it's ok to want to be happy eventhough it will hurt other ppl (H, kids, etc..)

Is it?

Wow....sorry so long. This is my first time writing about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 9:55pm
nicknat - you just have to listen to that little voice deep inside your heart and your head and know that you are doing what is right for yourself. It seems like you already know that. And regarding the kids...I have never been married, nor do I have kids, but I am a product of a divorce. And...one thing I can tell you from my own experience is that the divorce is the best thing my parents ever did for me. I was soooo tired of them fighting (not physical abuse, just good, old fashioned, FIGHTING). Even if you and your husband aren't fighting, a loveless marriage is not an environment for children to grow up in. They are soooo much more perceptive than people give them credit for and you better believe that if they haven't already, they WILL pick up on you and your husband's lack of love and affection. This is not a healthy thing for them to learn about relationships. I truly think this is what is wrong with our society...too many people do things that they *think* are good for their kids when really, they are hurting their kids. Just move on and love your children and love yourself. The rest will fall into place. And remember..."this too shall pass". Best of luck to you - you will find happiness!!


Edited 3/17/2006 10:57 pm ET by justdi315
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 4:13pm


Hi, I have been lurking for a while but have never posted before. I too was the divorcer - I think my W would have been perfectly happy to continue as we were for a long long time. I am Jewish and my parents are conservative and they just can't understand why I would do such a terrible thing as get a divorce.

I have been seperated for a year and I thought my family would finally understand, but they don't. My STBXW says she would have gone to the ends of the earth to save our family, but notice - she didn't say "to save our marriage" she says "to save our family." Sometimes I wonder if she even loved me, or just the stability.

She says she doesn't understand and sometimes I feel like saying "What did you think? Did you think everything was fine when you weren't having sex with me for the past 6 years!! How do you think that made me feel?" Of course I don't -- and it's not like I can tell my family that or anything either.

Even though the kids are adjusting pretty well, it tears me apart to know I am hurting them. As the "divorcer" everyone is blaming me. I was just tired of living my life they way the rest of the world thought I should live it. It was only the guilt that was keeping me there, and that is no way to live.

Any help anyone else can provide is appreciated. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one going through this.

Play Ball

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:39pm

Hi Nick,

No offense intended. I did preference my remarks by saying I was playing devil's advocate. I've been divorced myself so I know it's not easy or simple. I also know what its like to try very, very hard to make a marriage work and to do what I suggested. I did it for 12 years in my first marriage before giving up.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Wisdomtooth

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:41pm

Hey Wild!

How are you doing? I've thought about you and occasionally get by the board to read up. I saw you and yours had parted company. I hope you and the kids are doing well since. :)

We moved a year ago to NW Indiana. I quit my job last fall (tyrant boss, weird politics) and took some time to soul search. I started an insurance business in January. It's a little nerve wracking being my own boss, but I'm enjoying the small successes along the way.

My husband landed a good job at a Christian publishing company and has a long drive, so we haven't done a lot with our book idea as of yet.

Congrats on the new CL. I get by when I can.

Take care!

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 1:09am

Well I'll bet NW Indiana is quite a culture shock from CA.


I'm doing well.... and the kids are, too.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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