Anyone else "Mommy" your ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Anyone else "Mommy" your ex?
18
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:29am

I really need to stop! He's such a jerk to me daily and then I continue to mother him. I have to confess the latest stupid move on my part...I actually drew up a sample budget for him based on which base he gets sent to. I kind of did this so he wouldn't be complaining he's paying too much CS/Alimony, and so that he would manage his money the right way. I can so see him wasting it all in one wild weekend and then having nothing for the bills. Why do I care? I have controlled the finances from the time we were seriously dating in college until now (8.5 years).

How do I draw the line on this issue and others that I'm not letting go of? I also need to stop letting his see me react to him! He feeds off it. I also stress LOTS about his visits with our daughter....he acts like when the clock tick's 8pm he's "off duty"....it's not like he's sad to be leaving his daughter for the night.

Thanks for any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 2:32pm

First dont be alarmed. I think most if not all of us at some point or another have done this in one way or another. I know I used to. And when YOU just get tired of the abuse and the feeling of being used YOU just stop it on your own. Its when YOU say enough is enough and just get tired of it yourself. He would call me and ask me to do stuff for him and I did them. I was still playing the role of the gf without the committment or loyalty to me anymore, it left me feeling drained and used and when I would confront him about ofcourse it was my fault, he acted as though he wasnt doing anything wrong, I somehow got the situation mixed up. I took what he said, did and asked of me the wrong way, I got the wrong impression of what he meant by his actions. Me, Me not him. You see where Im going with this.

But I see now that I was still allowing him to have his cake and eat it to and he would have kept it up as long as I continued down that road. He was using me and I was allowing him to. On my part I still loved him deeply and wanted him to see how good things could be between us if he would change. A person doesnt change because another person wants them to and I dont know any cheaters who have changed their ways. For my own sanity and perservation I had to STOP helping/doing things for him and say if he falls he's own his own. I cant be his protector anymore.

You'll stop when YOU become more important to yourself than he is. That's when it happened for me.

Good luck honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 3:11pm

Well somebody had to make sure that the "mommy" things got done, he sure didn't help much.


One day, he told me... in all seriousness... "you're just like the mom I never had" and I said.... "Look, if you've got issues with your mom, you need to TALK TO HER about them.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:03pm
I find that most men need "mommies". My best friend's ex husband relies on his mother to do his grocery shopping and taking the kids school shopping. My ex is the same way. His mother set him up in his apartment. He's either at his girlfriend's house or hanging out at his mother's. He has NO guy friends!! I can't imagine it, having to be so dependent on someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:33pm
I think you just have too. You obviously chose this roll in your relationship with him, most women do, but now that you are apart you need to seperate yourself from that role. YOu are not responsible for his life. If he blows his finances on a weekend away well too bad so sad, its not your responsibility. If he doesn't pay his CS/Alimony than you attach his pay he's in the military correct so its even easier to get his pay attached. Just decide that you aren't going to mother him anymore and resist the urge too.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 6:41pm

I totally know just what you're talking about. I initially really felt so relieved when we seperated because I no longer was in charge of him, but then I'd find myself doing things to help him out and finally one day I got sick of it. It took me suggesting a special thing for him to do for the kids and then him asking me to actually do it for him (so he could present it to the kids!) and I realized I was not just mothering him, but inadvertantly fathering the kids then at the same time! I decided that I would not do that anymore - especially because I want them to know exactly who/what he is and that's not the thoughtful guy that I was helping to portray to them. My advice to you is just step back and stop yourself. I do find myself thinking about e-mailing him reminding him to contact the kids and tell him that they miss him, but it's really his job and I feel much better now that I am only responsible for myself.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 9:00am

You are not the only one who has ever done this, believe me. I still worry about my ex paying his mortgage, running up debt, etc. I know this is easier said than done, but his financial mess is not your problem....unless he starts having issues paying support. If that happens, have his pay attached. I know, it's easier said than done. But just think, once your marriage is over, you'll be free of worrying about him blowing his money and being irresponsible.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 9:17am

I thank god everyday I didn't have kids with my ex so I didn't have to stay in his life, because he's about as irresponsible as they come, I had to take enough of his financial burden with me in the divorce, just cleaning up that mess just this year by wiping out most of my 401k. I can't imagine the kind of mess if I had children. I really do count my blessings that I held off with having children with him.

I'm amazed at the amount of men in their 30's and up that are still so willy nilly with money...in my next relationship I'm definitely not taking on mommy patrol, I am going to make sure that I marry someone who is responsible and who helps with everything. I think part of my problem in the whole thing is I took on that role and he let me and I was always bailing us out of everything. *sigh* I think a lot of women tend to gravitate towards men like this and men tend to let us.




Edited 4/22/2006 9:21 am ET by sniffle_sally
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 8:57pm

Caught myself considering e-mailing him to remind him that today is our son's birthday and wouldn't it be nice for him to call and say Happy Birthday. I'm used to ignoring those thoughts and instead thinking about the day when my children come to me and tell me they realize that their dad is a very irresponsible, selfish man.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 9:00pm
I hope he calls for your sons sake. I know that my daughter would be so sad if her Daddy didn't call her. Heck, I'd be sad if my parents didn't call me and I am 27!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 9:04pm

Uh huh, I totally agree. Lucky for my little guy, he has his buddies here to play video games and sleep over tonight while his sister is at a friend's house. He's distracted but I'll bet tomorrow he asks why he never got a call from his dad. So typical...

Mel

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