Anyone else "Mommy" your ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Anyone else "Mommy" your ex?
18
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 9:29am

I really need to stop! He's such a jerk to me daily and then I continue to mother him. I have to confess the latest stupid move on my part...I actually drew up a sample budget for him based on which base he gets sent to. I kind of did this so he wouldn't be complaining he's paying too much CS/Alimony, and so that he would manage his money the right way. I can so see him wasting it all in one wild weekend and then having nothing for the bills. Why do I care? I have controlled the finances from the time we were seriously dating in college until now (8.5 years).

How do I draw the line on this issue and others that I'm not letting go of? I also need to stop letting his see me react to him! He feeds off it. I also stress LOTS about his visits with our daughter....he acts like when the clock tick's 8pm he's "off duty"....it's not like he's sad to be leaving his daughter for the night.

Thanks for any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 10:11pm
Happy BIRTHING day to you!.... I hope that DS just has lots of fun... nevermind what his dad does.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:14am

I can really relate to you on this. My STBX never took care of bills, and pretty much needs someone to handle everything for him. When I first kicked him out because he was running off every night to see his girlfriend I felt guilty and sad for him that he was struggling. I even lent the two of them money for food when they were broke even though he was paying no child support and it wasn't like I was making all that much money myself.

What I had to do to stop 'mothering' him was to start forcing myself to only think of myself and the kids and realize that he is an adult. Your ex-husband, as well as mine, need to grow up and start taking care of themselves. If he does go and blow all of his money on a weekend that is not your problem as long as you get the support he is supposed to pay.

Do not burden yourself with worrying about him being able to take care of himself. You need to focus on you and the kids.

Take care and good luck with the situation. And I apologize if I sound harsh. That isn't my intent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 2:46pm

LOL.... to this day when EX talks about paying bills, he talks about wagging his checkbook to wherever he owes money (and I'm pretty much talking about paying his business bills), and spreads out on their counter to write the check.... after they tell him how much he owes them... Then, he rounds the amount up to even dollar amounts, so when he gets his next statement it's all whacky because he's pay too much or too little, not complete invoices so he confused if they've billed him correctly.


When he writes me a check for support, he always has me "double check" the date range he's paying for because he can't keep up with it (even though I give him a printout about once a month... mostly because he's always behind so that he'll be *aware*).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:55pm

How can people function like that?

I know I'm excessively anal about financial matters given my profession, but sheesh! How does anybody function like that? Not to mention, run a business...

You sound so very patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:04am

Karen,

My ex has something of a business to run since he has a show and is a freelance artist. But he is terrible at keeping track of expenses and I am going to have a good laugh when taxes are filed next year and he is royally screwed because he doesn't put any money aside to pay taxes with.

I refuse to help him at all now. He has a girlfriend living with him so I suppose this burden has now fallen on her. His mother also helps him out. She paid for the beds our kids use when at his house. So ridiculous that a 35 year old man has to rely on mommy for things like that. I find it sad though that he doesn't have the desire to be self-sufficient.

But, whatever, it's not my problem anymore. Yay for that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 12:36am

It is crazy.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:22am

My ex's mother is the type that doesn't know when to stop mothering. She very rarely tells him no, but did say there was no way she was paying for a divorce and has stuck to that. I have a lawyer that I get through my benefits at work, but he has no job or money to pay for one so he's screwed.

I flip back and forth between what I wish would happen. One part of me wishes he would grow up, take care of himself and be a good example for his children. The other part of me wants him to fail at his new life with his gf and see how stupid he was to put his dreams and aspirations over his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 8:14am


Boy, do I hear you on that one! My ex was self-employed for the last five or so years. As I mentioned in a previous post, he always had "other bills," and never put aside money to pay his quarterly taxes. And he had a relatively large income, so it became a huge mess. I would get almost my whole check withheld to cover his taxes, and it still wasn't enough. In the end, we had to sell our house, and ALL of the proceeds went to cover his past-due IRS bills (unfortunately, we had filed joint taxes, so it was by problem, too) and some credit card debt. And three months ago? He FINALLY gets a job for a regular company so he gets taxes withheld from his check. Go figure!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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