Anyone else's STBX still in the house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Anyone else's STBX still in the house?
6
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 8:41pm

I filed for divorce October 4th. My STBX was served the 25th of October. He and I are still living in the house and I'm about to lose my mind. I've always been "bad in bed", never took care of the house correctly, always had the wrong hair cut or color, pretty much anything I did was wrong. We have an 11 year old son and will have been married 16 1/2 years next month. I worked and put him through college and haven't worked in 13 years. We are deep in debt and are currently in a debt management program.

Since he's in the house, I pretty much stay in panic mode. I cry all the time (dr has me on Xanax among other anti-anxiety drugs) and am completely miserable.

I had made huge mistakes in my marriage - my husband had not touched me in a year, told me no one would have me because I was stupid and fat so I went and had a few month affair. The guilt killed me and I ended it. The STBX was very nice about it afterwards, told me if he had been there for me after my miscarriage it wouldn't have happened. Within a week, he was back to hibernating in his room, etc.

I know the love has been gone for years on both sides. He's vindictive, has rage problems - -even gave our son the divorce papers to read to see what his mother (me) was doing to him.

If you've managed to stay and read this thread this long, thank you.

My question is...why do I continue to let what he says bother me? I know it's harder because he's still in the house. I'm looking for a job, but have no college degree and haven't worked in 13 years. It's also hard to find work this time of year. I am panicky all the time and wonder how on earth I'm going to survive. The divorce needs to happen, but when I get this way, I wonder if I should just live in misery the rest of my life and at least know I'll have a roof over my son's and my head.

Sorry -- I'm just really bummed today. Holiday season makes everything worse I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:04pm

Been there, done that!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:14pm
WOW i could have written your post myself!!! i am currently going thru a divorce also..i filed sept 8th..he was served a few days later..anyways he refuses to leave the house...he is verbally abusive to me..we have a son who is 9 who constantly hears him yelling at me calling me names..it is just nuts..i also was put on xanax but i refuse to take it..i know it will be much better when this is all over..cant wait for the day when the sheriff hauls him out cause i know he wont leave any other way...just hang in there..we will be much better soon..if u want to keep in touch my email is speshlk1234@yahoo...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:34pm

Hi Cheri,

My husband filed for divorce at the end of July and threw all my clothes and belongings in the unfinished basement and put a lock on our bedroom door. So, for the whole month of August I slept in the basement on the rollaway while "King Tut" took up residence in our bedroom. That whole month he was so mean and nasty to me and took control over everything, from finances to grocery shopping (formerly things I used to do). I knew he would not leave the home. Meanwhile, my kids witnessed all this, which is a true shame. By the third week of August my spirits were as low as they could go and I was getting very depressed. My girlfriend and parents said we needed to get me out of there to preserve my soul. By Sept. 1st, I ended up moving into an apartment. I miss my home very much, but not him. And it's better than sleeping in the basement. I will be glad to be rid of him. I will also be happy to get the equity out of my home so that within the next year I can buy myself a townhome. Don't settle for being miserable for the rest of your life. I hadn't worked for a long time either and just went back to work a couple years ago. Life is too short to settle for less than you deserve. Good luck. Bel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:41pm
Hang in there, I am wishing you strength! Sure, you could stay in that ice-box he calls a marriage, but you have been slowly drowning in there for years. When you two have separate roofs you will finally get the chance to take a deep breath. You will begin to feel some of the relief. Yes, you will still be struggling financially, but the same was true in the marriage, no change there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 11:24am

hi


been there done that, my stbx filed in Nov of 2003, and he did not move out until Jan of 2005,so all of 2004 we lived in the same house,did not speak to one another,or anything else.


Just found out today that he is on a mini holiday with his new g/f. its amazing we were M for 26years and now not even 8months later he has found someone new.


I have been trying to find out,,since we are still legally married,do I have grounds for martial misconduct..my lawyer says he can do what he wants since he moved out,,but still we are still legally married.


oh and she told me,that because I am going for permanent alimony,I cant do anything that would put that in jeopardy,so basically he gets to go on with is life and be involved but I have to just sit and wait.


by the way tomorrow will be 2 years since he filed and divorce is still not over with.:(


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 7:23pm
Hi,
I,also could have written your post. Married for 14 years in a verbal/emotional relationship, He also has an alcohol problem. I filed a few months ago. He refuses to leave, and I won't leave either because I've been the primary caregiver of my children and I don't want to take them from their home just yet. It's absolute HELL....I try to ignore him and he accuses me of 'belittling him' and 'dehumanizing him.' He refuses to acknowledge that this marriage failed due to his abuse and alcohol abuse. I'm sure I'm no peach to live with sometimes, but I did try to convince him to go to counseling and he refused. The children are living in this hell too. The other day my daughter saw a red light shining in his shirt pocket....she asked what it was. I believe it was a recorder. I'm seeking primary placement and sole legal custody. He also recently said "options have come to me this weekend, I hope I don't have to use them .....I just want this to be fair and equitable."......gosh, sounds like a THREAT to me, eh? Please, if you haven't already...get Patricia Evans book "The verbally abusive relationship." (or something like that,don't know exact title). Your will recognize that YOU are not the problem. I know it's hard now....but we have to hang in there , and we will! Soon this will all be over. Hang on tight to your support systems. Good luck to you and all the others out there going through this.