Anyone watched "Happily Divorced"??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Anyone watched "Happily Divorced"??
4
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 12:49pm

Just wondering if anyone has seen this new show w/Fran Dresher(?)

I really didn't have much interest b/c my X wasn't gay (that I know of at this point, lol - wouldn't surprise me), but I decided that I would watch anyway ---- and I must say, that I'm very impressed. It really can correlate into any marriage that ends in divorce due to people entering into them w/false pretenses and w/out all of their real characteristics being put on the table.

My first love from HS & I are pretty much this same way - even though we were never married --- I knew before marriage that we weren't compatible in that way - lol. We are good friends & I consider him an important person in my life - but we no longer have sex. We actually have been there for each other through the ups & downs in other relationships. Soooo - this all so can happen.

Do I ever see this type of relationship w/my XH? Maybe - I mean if nothing else, we share kids - sooo we have to be in each others lives in some capacity ---- but I think there will always be some hurt feelings there - and b/c of the kids - I didn't have the same amount of time to truly heal (yrs) where I don't see or talk to him like I did my first X. So - I don't know about "Happily" divorced - but maybe just - divorced - lol - without the - "bitterly" in front of it - lol. I think it would be a lot easier to accept that my X was gay - and wanted men - and for me to not take that so personally - then for him to just be the "need 20 million women" type. Ugh ---- Oh - what was it that he said at one point? "Why want you just let me go out & conquer the world?" He was meaning of course in the "business" sense - but I am sure other women were on that agenda! I guess sure - go do that & then we'll remarry when you're 60 w/a limp d*ck and need someone to wipe you a**--- NOT. lol!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 8:26am

Hi;

Yes; I watch that show and its of course tv and not reality but I do have to say that I am happy divorced.

My ex was a control freak and at times a handful and hard to live with him.

We have been divorced for over 5 years and I can say now we are somewhat acquaintenances or friends.

Its nuts but I let alot of things go for me and not for him.. I forgave for me and not for him.We both moved on and have two separate lives..

We do talk from time to time on the phone. He tells me about his gfriends (lol) and I tell him about my dates. He gives me updates about his kids and life and I do the same. I dont know why? Its a habit mabye?

I am so happy that he and I are divorced because my life is so much better and he is still a mess and control freak.

From time to time I even as you know stay at the house we had together because of my sometimes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:23pm

Yes, it's television - but it's based off Fran Drescher's real life marriage & divorce to her now gay XH. Actually, if you look her up on Wikipedia - she's had a very interesting journey & was even raped at gunpoint at one time. I didn't know that.

Anyhooo - no, I don't believe it's so far fetched & think that there are many more people now who have learned to at least tolerate their ex's rather than to either kill them or wallow in anger towards them for the rest of their life -lol. I think that a lot of this has to do w/our ideas around marriage changing & marriage itself changing. People are marrying less & less - or at least later in life now & D is less stigmatizing in life now. I think D has always been such a huge deal before & therefore people usually personalize it & feel the need to hate their ex b/c they didn't live up to their expectations etc. I think where in marriage - it's like you have to love the bad & the good about someone - if they are at a distance - and more of on a friendship level - rather than marriage - you can just love the good from afar - lol.

I'm not quite there yet w/my X - although there have been times where I've allowed him in my life at different points since our D - on a friendship basis. But since his new engagement, I'm going to move away from anything dealing w/him for now & hopefully give myself a few years to completely heal & see how all of that plays out - before putting myself back into any kind of "circle" w/him. Me being friends w/him seems to make things easier w/the kids - and I enjoy sharing communication w/him about them - but. For now I think it's just easier the other way. He also still tries on the sexual level - so there's a very thin line w/him to where I can't feel like that is a place that I want to go w/him again. With my X from HS, we go out on ocassion - usually w/others - and don't get me wrong - there have been times that it has crossed my mind for us to possibly have sex - but - then I think about all he's got going on in his life & we've tried that "friends w/benefits" thing before - and it didn't work out to well in the past - so. I also don't want to ruin the friendship we do have now - and I don't think it would - but, don't want to take that chance either.

Yes, relationships are definitely changing shape these days...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:22pm

I have read its based on Fran D;s life but I doubt she had to live with her ex when they got divorced. The show shows them happy and living together . I dont think that is the norm and if the divorce is new and fresh I doubt there is much water under the bridge.

With me it has been over five years since me and my ex are divorced and so there is no connection between he and I.So there are no emotions or anything involved... There are times in the past that it stung me big time when I found out about my ex'es gfriend but I got over it.. It took time and I wish him well with his life. Glad its her and not me..

Also Fran D has a ton of money so I doubt she ever had to live with her ex. In the real world that is so different.

I hate to say it Laurel but you did say that you were having sex with your ex and even though you said it didnt bother you it seems it did. You cant separate those emotions and now your healing has to start over again.. Seems women cant separate their feelings and think with their brain.. I know how painful that must be for you.

So now the wound is still fresh seeing him maybe getting married and all.

I am wondering if you see your ex as the dog he is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 2:19pm

I had seen her on Joy Behar not too long ago & they seemed like they did really have a connection & love for one another. I don't know how long it's been since their divorce though. And no - I doubt they had to live together during their divorce - but many do for financial reasons. I know that has to be miserable - b/c there is really no healing time. I think it's much easier to become friends or re-define a relationship after at least a few years of space & healing. Unlike me & my ex who share kids - I have a friend who D from her husband of almost 8 yrs - and they rarely if ever speak after almost 5 yrs. To me, that is what just seems odd or weird. I mean, you share all of this time & your life w/someone & then you just walk away like they never existed?? But - that's just me. I think it's really sad though. I mean it's sort of like people who have estranged family relationship w/their parents or children. I mean you don't have to be "happily" D - but at least treat them like an extended family member - but I guess it just depends on the person & how personally they take the things that they at least perceive the ex did to them in the marriage. And of course a person's level of forgiving has a lot to do w/it also.

As far as me & the X & the sex thing - sex wasn't a factor in my current feelings about him or his new adventure in life. I pretty much figured he would pull out the ring to keep her doing what she is doing for him - and that's pretty much all he has to offer her. I also figured that him starting to "pop up" more - had to do with him getting ready to ask her - and had even asked him basically "when" would he be proposing b/c I knew she wouldn't hang on another year w/out a commitment. If I were her, I would have never moved in w/my child until we were married in the first place - but hey - that's just me again. Regardless though, she will come to find out that the marriage & ring...don't mean a thing - at least w/him! I remember him saying once -- well, you never even know w/marriage if things are going to work out -- & my response was -- well not w/you! lol --- Some people just don't need to be married - and some women in particularly need to let go of the need to want some people to get married.

My healing began when I moved out before our divorce even - but it's b/c of us having kids w/each other & having to still be in each other's lives on regular basis that has made it a much slower process - not us having sex. I recognize sex for what it is - at least w/him anyway - lol. Sex is what you make it. There have been times during our marriage that we had great sex & connected in a great way & it was more "love" based - and others where it was like just doing the dishes - lol. And after our real distance of not even really being in the same room together for over a year - I was able to see things more clearly as far as us simply not valuing the same things in life or on the same path - so if you do so choose to have a sexual relationship w/someone like that - you have to be able to see it for what it is - before you choose to do so. Sure, there may come some occasional aches & pains w/those decisions - but at a certain age, you just gotta know that & be able to live w/it - if you so choose.

When I was younger - yes, emotions would have played a factor in sex. Now - I'm an adult, single & have no quams about staying that way - regardless of who I am having sex with. Did I want for my X & I to be a family? Sure I did. But obviously I have had to learn to deal w/& accept differently. I have had strictly sexual/friendship relationships w/men in the past & they have lasted about a year or so - then they die off. I think you just have to look at the trade offs & weigh them. If you want to stay single but also like to have sex occasionally - there's a fine line - and it takes time to figure out what works for you. As far as sex w/the ex - per say - if it were convenient - and we were both single - I probably wouldn't have much of a problem with it. He always wears condoms & he's had a vasectomy ;) It worked fine for a few years after our D until he decided he wanted a girlfriend/wife - whatever. I personally know myself well enough now that I don't want a boyfriend/husband anymore. I want to be able to come & go as I want & make decisions w/out guilt or someone else's approval. And I'm also not willing to risk finding out that who I was dating was someone different a year later. If he chooses that route - that's on him. But I've learned a lot lessons in life & relationships & am a lot happier this way.

As far as hoping he was a certain way & being more caught up in "the dream" then in reality, I got over that when we were married - after I saw nothing was going to change - lol. Like you have probably heard before - I would have still stayed b/c I knew I wasn't going into another relationship later - I made that decision when I got married. I had been through enough. And to be single w/out anyone - well, that was almost the same as being married to him - minus regular sex - lol - and the occasional outting. What it took me a hard time to heal from more than anything is that we couldn't be a family for our kids & all under the same roof. That's what hurt the most - not him not living up to a certain ideal. I guess part of him not living up to the ideal was him not being able to even provide that - but you just learn to work around it the best you can & learn that all those adventures have certain risks & sometimes in life - you can lose - but just gain in other ways. So ----

The most beneficial thing to me lately is learning more about the long-term single lifestyle & like I said, I've got books on it & see how many women are not only surviving being single, but thriving in it. Ultimately I think if you are past your child bearing years and don't find anyone that's life is totally congruent w/yours - then I think it's the smartest way to go. I also have friends who have never been married - no children etc. who are very happy & we all support each other in our "single" plight in life - and that is the only support I seem to need for right now. Of course these boards help as well :)