Anyone's X remarry within 60 days of "D"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Anyone's X remarry within 60 days of "D"
5
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:44pm

I was just wondering if anyone's X had remarried quickly after their divorce.

Our divorce was final Nov. 4 and I was informed by XH that he will be marrying OW on December 30. We were married for 24 years and have 3 children, 2 grown and out of the house and one 8 year old. (yes they are all "ours").

I am just having a really really hard time with this. I told him it was I though it was disrespectful of our 24 year marriage to remarry so quickly. We had been having problems and he just so happen to start "talking" to this OW (whom he worked with) while we were having problems and "grew further from me and closer to her" BLAH!!!! By the way, she divorced her husband in May for my X.

Anyway. I guess I just need some encouraging words to get thru this. I'm losing it!!!

He told me he wasn't meaning to disrespect what we had for 24 years, he just needed to move on with his life. (We are 44, she is 30 with a 12 year old son that he has become "Dad" to.) Pardon me while I throw up in my mouth a little bit!!!!!!

I am very bitter right now, and he has proceeded to ruin my holidays.

Please pray for me so that I can get thru this with my head held high and my kids proud of the way I handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006

Hi Can't,


I'm sorry your marriage has ended in divorce. It is a very painful event and not something you go through very easily or quickly.


Please know everything you're feeling is "normal." It's hard to deal with so much betrayal, disappointment, rejection, and heartbreak without feeling all of it right down to your toes. So grieve. Anger is part of that grieving process and good to release (in a constructive way.).


My first piece of advice is take everything day-by-day, moment-by-moment if you have to. It's very easy to dump all your anger and disappointment onto yourself in this process. If you take it in small bites it's a little easier to bear.


My second piece of advice is to decide NOT to let your Ex "ruin" your holidays. He can't ruin anything unless you decide to allow that to happen. The first year is the hardest with all the "firsts" you encounter, i.e. first Christmas without the spouse, first New Year's, first birthdays, first annivesaries, etc. So know up front you'll have this to deal with initially all along the way. But, that doesn't mean it will hurt so much as time goes by.


Time is your friend and your wounds are fresh. So give yourself time to get through this process. I highly recommend you checkout the following book from the public library or buy it. It's called "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends, by Bruce Fisher. It's like a roadmap to breaking up. I think you'll appreciate his advice and it will guide you through this process.


In the meantime, my parting advice is to find something you like to do and do it. That might be an old hobby, a new hobby, like painting, walking, exercise, etc. You need to expend your anger and energy and I always advise doing something constructive. When I was first separated and later divorced I took all my anger to the gym. It felt good to work out and I got a new body in the process. It did alot for my self-esteem.


That was 9 years ago. I am happily remarried and have moved beyond the pain and hurt of that initial shock. You will too. First, give yourself permission to grieve, set small goals for each day, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You too will soon be able to smile again and laugh. It happens! :)


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006

"can't believe" ...

i totally feel your pain, anxious disappointment, etc. i absolutely "dread" the day when my twin DSs tell me that their father is marrying their soon-to-be-skank-stepmonster! it's a pit in my stomach that won't leave!! (or worse, when they announce that they are "pregnant"!--argh!!) it's a recurring awful tape that keeps playing in my head!!

i just don't know how, my brain doesn't process how these EXs can be with their families for such a significant amount of time and just pick up like it was nothing, moving on to OW so seamlessly, much less entering into the sacred vows of marriage?! it's soooo scary (i truly do not understand!); and in my case, my sons are majority with their dad, so, at least you have your 8-year-old to relish in, whereas i feel TOTALLY alone. i just know when this is all said and done, some OW is about to take my place and live as a happy family with my sons. it's like a really, really bad twilight zone episode, and i KNOW the day is coming. my soon-to-be-ex has already professed how he cannot wait to divorce me and start a family with the new skank, who he spends enormous amounts of money on, spends quality and quantity time with, which he seldom did with me & is willing to seek fertility treatments to make a family with HER, but absolutely was NOT willing to do that with me, his business, golf, friends, trips out of town, alcholism, etc. came first, always.

i just want to say i feel your pain and although i have little words of encouragement, i send major hugs your way; but i do know your day will come, just like mine, a day that will finally include not being obsessed with what "they" are doing 24/7, wherein we can truly heal from this horrific episode, one which we definitely did NOT choose to author or endure in the first place.

it's just funny how you can do your part and give 300% to a failed relationship and "they" end up the "happy" ones, how they can be verbally abusive, signficantly emotionally distant, selfish, narcassistic, controlling, walk out, disconnect themselves from their chidlren, etc., and still somehow, they move on so seamlessly, happy and in love, everything goes well for them, they still have the ability to purchase homes, cars, better lives with the "OW" than the one they had with yours ... HOW does this happen, and where is the justice in it all; i really thought what goes around, comes around, but i'm really beginning to wonder is that really true! ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004

Don't be bitter, just make the best of things and make your holiday cozier and better then before.


Most often such quick marriages after two divorces doesn't work cause now

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Mine did exactly that.....after 23 years of marriage and for 3 years in a row all the bad stuff was at Christmas time. In Dec o1, he told me there was someone else and he thought he was in love with her, but he did't want a divorce.... etc.... We supposedly worked on our marriage for the next year (now I know it was a farce). Dec. 02 he walked out suddenly...I say suddenly because that morning I was having a hard time and he held me and told me there was nothing to worry about or be scared about. 12 hours later I came home and he was packed. It was 2 weeks before Christmas....The third year in 03 our divorce was final the end of September. He called mid November (this time right before Thanksgiving) to tell me he had gotten married. The children and I had no notice on that one until it was a done deal and the only reason he called me then was so I would tell the kids before his visitation the next night. They moved into her house in Dec. of 03. It has taken years for my kids to even want to think about Christmas as it is a reminder of the bad things that happened those 3 years in a row. For me, those 3 years were all terribly hard, the next was also hard, last year was much better and now this year things are fine on that front. It doesn't mean it is easy, divorce, remarriage, blending families adds a whole new chaos to a life that is already not a picnic. But if I can do it (and I have) you can, too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006

I don't have but a second as I am on my way out the door to work this morning, but I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses.

I am having a really hard time with this, and it is nice to know that I have a place to talk about it!! I have always been a very private person when it comes to my personal life, so I have a hard time talking about this to any of my friends or family. I know that they would be there for me 100%, but I feel like such a failure by not being able to keep my family together anyway.

Thanks again to everyone.