Are his threats real?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Are his threats real?
9
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 10:54pm
It's been a while since I have posted a message, but now I am in desperate need of some advice. Things finally seemed to calming down and I was making the best out of my sitation and was actually making plans for my future. I had a very heated discussion with my ex on Monday. We made plans for me to get my things out of the house on Wednesday morning and I would contact my lawyer the following Monday to file for separation. It was a very emotional day, but I thought I was starting to move on. Before he left though, he told me he would not live without me, that he finally seen how he had forced me away over the last year, and if I went back home things would be soo different (this is the third time he has said this). Then he proceeded to tell me that I would bury him because this is not what he wanted. He has made this comment several times, so I really didn't pay any attention. He has also told me hoped he wrecked his motorcycle and I had to work over his body (I am a nurse in the ICU in our local hospital) Well, about 3 hours later, my mother(I am back at my parents home) received a telephone call that he had been involved in an accident on his motorcycle. We raced to the hospital really thinking he was dead. However, he is fine, just lots of bruising and asphalt rash. The state trooper that investigated the accident said he really did not how he was still alive. The doctors and nurses said the same. When we were alone in the hospital room, I was questioning him about the accident. He said he was going about 140 mph (trooper estimated at least 120), passed a car on a curve and all he could remember was thinking it was time for everything to end. Motorcycle flipped about 4 times and he was thrown about 150 ft into the woods and was face down when he was found. After we talked for a while, he says, see I told you I love you and I cannot live without you, guess I didn't do it right but I will the next time. Needless to say, I have been blamed by some of his friends. I feel absolutely horrible because he does not have a good support system like I do. His parents were just pissed that he even had a motorcycle and his father says he is no longer his son since ex did not take his advice. I know I may sound selfish, but what do I do. I love him to the point that I do not want him to die, but I do not want to go back. However, I am willing to return in order to keep him from doing something crazy again. Please give advice, I REALLY feel like I am going to suffer from a nervous breakdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 9:48am

My heart goes out to you. And from what you have said in your post, his threats sound real enough to me. K I am not a professional--you said you work as a nurse in ICU, do you possibly have a friend working in the psych ward that you could consult? Your husband sounds as if he needs some counseling. What he has told you directly is that he attempted to commit suicide. Can you talk to his parents-family-friends-sort of turn the problem of over to them? And hey do not allow them and or him to put you on the blame box.

You can not allow him to emotionally blackmail you and that is what he is doing right now. I have experience in this arena with my own H--( we are currently separated too--not living together and planning to divorce). I am not sure how much you want to remain involved with your H. But one thought you might consider is setting up a marriage counseling session/s with your H and there express your concerns with a mediator therapist who may be able to talk your husband into seeking counseling--I can assure you they will not talk you into staying. It’s a stall tactic--and I know marriage counseling will allow him--your husband to consider that the two of you have a chance--but if he will not seek help for himself and his family will not support him now, and with what you have said, he obviously needs help--and I know being where you are, you feel responsible for him, right? Do not blame yourself. Some partners react this way. I wonder has he tried this in the past before--maybe not with a cycle accident, but threatened to kill himself? My own H who has a “condition” shall we say, has done this on 4--no 5 occasions--over the last 4 yrs, till I called his bluff the last two times this last yr. I admitted him to the hospital the 4th time. The 5th time he called with his intentions-- in a city a 4 hr drive away. What was I suppose to do?! Yeah I was going out of my mind too. But fait intervene by way of bad cell connection and me being out in the middle of nowhere at our lakehouse. He hung up on me of course after he made his threat and I could not get him back cause my cell was not working. He finally got through to me about 30 minutes later ranting and raving cause I did not care enough to call him back. Not true. But I realized by his wait and rant that he was once again just trying to emotionally blackmail me. See u live and learn I guess.

I do not know if I would move back in with him hon, if you have already gotten out better to stay out--you can still seek “marriage counseling“ living apart. And hey, there is no reassurance that counseling will work--that your H will take to the idea of seeking help. But then you have the comfort of knowing you have done all that you can. I'm am not sure how much help I was, but know I am thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 12:33pm
I am so, so sorry you're going through this. It's amazing the lengths to which people will go to control others. You can't be resonsible for his behaviour and you can't let it control you! Have you told the doctors at the hospital? They should have a psych consult with him immediately if you have. He tried to kill himself, I'd have him committed until he can work these issues out. It's for his own good. Do not give in to this manipulation. This is about him, not you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 1:29pm
i think, if you are a nurse in an ICU, you need to approach this objectively: inform the staff that you have reason to believe that this man tried to comitt suicide. we don't know if he is serious or not, neither do you, but you can't take the chance that he might be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 6:02pm

Thanks for everyone;s advice. I did speak with the nurses and two different doctors about a psych consult. They say that since he did not tell them, they cannot legally do anything. One doctor spoke with him and he denied it. I talked with my ex about some counseling but he thinks I'm full of crap. His parents do not seem to care, but I did talk with his best friend, who is really trying to support ex. Please keep me in your thoughts, although I know each of you have your own problems.

Hugs, Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:47pm
The fact that your controlling ex has a death wish is not your problem. Mine told me he had sat on the bed with a gun in his mouth and then later that he was digging a grave in the backyard for himself. I refused to be intimidated by this though it did alarm me and make me crazy. I just refused to discuss it. I didn't want to hear it. If he was going to do it than let him do it. Of course he never did and now after 4 years has someone else trying to make him happy. Another thing, contact the lawyer first, then move out. If you leave you may hurt yourself legally. Let your lawyer explain. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 9:06pm

Oh, my God, honey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:44am

Everyone said it, but I wil add my piece .... YOU CANNOT CONTROL, STOP or CHANGE his behavior. Suicidal people are suicidal. Manipulative people are manipulative.


IS he suicidal? Maybe. But whether or NOT you "go back to him", he will STILL be this way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 3:36am
Thanks so much for everyone's advice. I was just about to decide to go back and live with the fact that I just needed to try to make the best of everything. I thought me going back would probably be the best thing in the long run. Needless to say, he has been all smiles. After talking with a good friend who has been in a miserable marriage for more than 20 years, I thought, no way. I do not want to look back at my life and feel like that. I sorry if he needs me in his life to be happy, but if I do not take care of myself, who will. I just want to thank everyone for all your support, it means alot to not think this is all my fault, and his life depends upon my presence. Please keep me in your thoughts because it really is easier said than done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 12:10pm

This guy is a disgusting weakling and a coward. I'd be pissed at him. He's wasting oxygen.

If he wants to kill himself, its his decision. It has nothing to do with you. Its his choice. Its his actions. He is not a child. He is not an imbicile. He is not a slave.

This is the worst kind of manipulation imaginable.

I think you should be very very angry at him.

If this nonsense happens again, and you have to race to the hospital, make sure you tell the attending physician that he was discussing suicide. Then this guy will get a (minimum) one week trip through the pysch ward.

As a matter of fact, I think you should report this to the hospital that treated him.