Are you glad you did it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Are you glad you did it?
21
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:48am


My marriage is a shambles due to my husband's infidelities. I cannot seem to reconcile it and I live with the pain of it on a daily basis. I really mean it. It hurts every single day, five years after it all blew up. I try, but I just don't seem to have it in me to fix this within myself. He doesn't cheat anymore. He seems to vascilalte between wanting to fix things and wanting to close himself off and hide away.

I have been riding the fence about divorcing him for at least a year now. I am wondering. For those of you that did it. Are you glad you did? Or is there some part of you that regrets it? Honest answers PLEASE for someone who needs your POV.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:58am

Did you both go to counseling together to resolve this? Is he STILL committing adultery? How is the rest of your marriage, outside of his infidelities? While you will NEVER forget, can you forgive? How has this affected your own self-esteem and confidence in your marriage? If you did go to counseling, did it help at all? Did you learn anything? Would you be willing to go to counseling w/o your hubby?

What else is going on with you, your life, which may be causing you to fixate on the negatives? And, btw--are there any positives in your life, your marriage, etc., right now?

Without knowing this, it's hard to give an opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:14am

I'm sure this is somewhat stereotypical, but I think men and women have affairs for different reasons. I'm guessing it's more likely that a man is in it for the sex only, just thinking with his *()&. For us women, it's needing love, attention, a connection, someone to listen or a combination of these.

My A was 6 years ago and I only slept with the guy once. It was someone that I had formed a friendship with at work. I told myself I was leaving H, probably to justify it to myself. But of course, the grass was not greener on the other side, so to speak. So I half-heartedly came back to H. There was and still is a ton of anger and pain and sadness. But it was devastating for me as well because I really screwed up my life by this decision (or maybe indecision is more appropriate).

Am I glad I did it? No
Do I regret it? Yes

The right thing to do would have been to leave my H if I wasn't happy, but not for another person who I thought would make me happy. But I wasn't strong enough. Now I am. I would be lonely, but I would manage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:49pm

Well buttercup, here's the deal.

We've been married 25 years. About 5 years ago I caught him in an affair with someone from work. He said he had been sleeping with her for 3 months (I think it was more like a year). I was devastated. About 6 months later he confessed that he hadn't been faithful to me for the last 15 years, was sorry for it, wanted a clean slate with me so that we could start over. Gee, thanks, hon.

We went to marriage counseling, but it was not effective as he would either sit there silent or lie and not tell things as they really were. He got 2 years individual therapy instead. I am in my 3rd year of individual therapy.

We separated twice. The first time he left me although I begged him to stay. I wasn't ready for divorce. He finally came back after 4 months, just when I had begun to give up hope, had stopped crying over him, and was getting used to being without him.

Things didn't ever improve much. Then, early last year, I found a yahoo internet account and asked him to open it as I don't really trust him anymore and wanted to see what he'd been doing. He got mad and refused. Later, he did say that he had been looking at craigslist and at dating sites and porn, but that he never contacted or met with any woman. That he was only looking. I almost believe him, but not quite, I know he didn't sleep with anyone, I could tell by now. I watch my back. But he still never opened it so I could see for myself.

Anyway, it bothered me. I threw him out a couple of months later saying I wasn't getting over anything and I was tired of it all, I didn't trust him anymore, etc. I told him not to contact me unless it had to do with the children. I needed time to think. He left with his head in the air like he could care less.

It lasted one whole week. It was okay for him to leave me like he did the first time we separated, but somehow my throwing him out was hard for him to take. He called me a week later and sobbed and begged to come home. I let him come home. I had never seen him in such a state and it was scarey. But the truth is, I do not feel the same anymore. Self-esteem? What's that? I don't have any left.

I feel like finding that email account, my asking him to open it, telling him if he didn't then I would know there was something on there he didn't want me to see, and his flat refusal to open it, killed something inside me. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

Wierdly, it took that much for him to really start working on himself and our marriage. He is a changed man since he's been back. He is a much better father and husband than he's ever been. This last year I have seen him grow in so many ways. My kids are blossoming because for once in his life, he is there for them. Helping them with homework. Taking them for doctor and dentist appointments. School functions. Taking on alot of the things I used to do alone. He used to never lift a finger around the house, now he helps me alot with everything. But he is still distant and withdrawn. I think he truly regrets everything he's done. He says he wants to stay married and that he knows now what he wants. I am distant from him as well.

It is hard to let go of the past. It was all so humilating and hurtful.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "too little, too late"? Alot of times that's how I feel. Like the damage has been done and I have had it and I definitely want out. But then I look at how much he's changed and my resolve erodes away.. one day slips into the next... I can't seem to rebound from it completely. I am afraid I never will. I am afraid that my life will pass by and I'll still be in this ambivalent place. It is hard to live like this. I often wonder if we'd both be better off divorced. Hence, my posting here. Is it better to divorce or just stay together in a damaged relationship?

He does not cheat anymore, of that I am certain. I do not think he has cheated on me since the day he came clean. We have three sons, 24, 16 and 13. They are used to him living with us. The eldest is in college and has a life so it wouldn't affect him nearly as much as the younger ones who idolize their dad. I keep saying... wait until they graduate from high school... but that seems so far away. I'd be divorcing at 54 years of age after 30 years of marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:05pm


You had one affair. You learned from it. You are human and made a mistake. My H was unfaithful for many years, 15 out of 25 years of marriage. He was only faithful the first 5 yrs. we were married and the last 5 years after he confessed it all. Everything in between.. well, he was in between... ya no what I mean?

So my situation is different. If it had only been one affair, I honestly think I could have lived with that. I am an open minded person. I have made alot of mistakes in my life that I wish I could take back. I understand how a person can make a wrong turn and regret it so much later. But cheating for 15 years is not a mistake.. it's a way of life. It is a very long time to deceive someone.

If you need more background, I posted another post on this thread today with a long drawn out history of all that's happened. Put on your reading glasses.. it is loooong. :-)

Thanks for your reply, I know you aren't glad about HOW your marriage ended, but overall, are you glad you are divorced? Did you ever love your husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 7:01pm
Whirley,
You'll have to see my other posts to see my marriage isn't ended yet. I still do love my husband for sure and I'm sad and miss him already when I think about us being apart. But there are so many problems in addition to the A. We're going to counseling starting Monday but I don't think he wants to forgive. I think he wants to hold on to the pain. I don't know what the term for that is, but I've heard of this before. He thinks it was easy for me. It wasn't. It isn't. Period. Anyhow, we'll see how counseling goes. I think we're beyond help. It took years, before and after A, to get him to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:44pm

I had one leg propped on the fence for about 7 years.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 9:28pm

Whirley,


I think all of us who have been divorced or are contemplating divorce were or are "on the fence" about ending a marriage. It's not as easy and simple as everyone would have you believe. At least, looking back on my divorce experience it was neither simple or easy. It was very painful and difficult to do even if its for very good reasons.


My question to you is this: of all the individual counseling you've had over the past three years have you discussed this fear with your counselor? If not, please do because you have some choices to make for the short-term and long-term about your own happiness. I'm not asking you to spill your confidences here for all to read, I'm just saying if you are still not able to trust your husband and you can't lay to rest the past, then there's probably some for you to do on yourself.


And....it sounds like there's still a lot of work for you and your husband to do on the marriage. I'd strongly encourage the two of you to go back to marriage counseling - in the spirit of doing what's best for your children and your marriage. If your husband truly has decided to be a better father then he needs help to be a better husband. And yes, that means owing up to his part of the distrust and the reasons behind it.


And he really needs to leave the other women behind whether he's "just looking at pictures" or not. That's got to be completely out of the picture or he'll be tempted again.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:03am

Hi Whirleygurl
I am fairly new to the whole separation process but I guess I am a little further along than you are.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8. We have two daughters who are 5 & 3.
I think there are some paralells in our situations although the circumstances are different. My H is a very good looking, physicially fit person. He is also very beligerant and arrogant and is used to gettting his own way. He is a big guy at 6'4" and I think that he initimidates people.. so add bully to the list of issues. He is a very self centred, critical person and nothing I EVER did was good enough for him. Our relationship deteriorated over the years to the point where he put me down all the time whether it was my appearance, my work, our sex, our children you name it - nothing was sacred. This past fall he was going through a self described "mid-life" crisis and decided to leave. I begged him to stay until after the holidays for our children, I was devastated. I had been asking him to go to counselling for years, he finally made an appointment - for himself. So I started going on my own as well. It became very apparent that I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years - I never would have realized it without counselling and some dear friends supporting me over the last number of months. He was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physcially abusive with me. That combined with being a very heavy drinker was a ticking time bomb. When he moved out it gave me the space needed to realize just how bad things had become. When I woke up and saw the patterns with my own eyes, I was terrified that I was in this situation.
In the meantime, he started dating(read 'sleeping') with other women. He quickly realized that the grass was not greener and realized he had totally taken me for granted. All of a sudden he realized he loved me, he was attracted to me - I was the woman of his dreams. He now wanted to work things out... Throughout the course of our separation I had been hoping to work things out and I kept taking him back but his old patterns kept rearing up. I kept trying though, then he would do something stupid and we would be back at square one. At some point I finally realized that my head was totally out of the relationship. I no longer loved him and the thought of being intimate with him made my skin crawl. The tables had turned. He begged me for another chance, he realized he was totally wrong to treat me the way that he did, he was totally committed to being the loving husband and father he knows we deserved but.... as you said... it was too little too late for us. He has gone on to make many of those changes, I am very proud of him and happy that he has.
Our dream house has since been sold and I am moving in mid-May. I am not totally writing off the chance for a reconciliation in the future but for now - we are separating.
He is completely depressed and totally apologetic for ruining our family... and he is right, the demise of our family is his fault. I have told him that I forgive him, but that I cannot forget. There is just too much water under the bridge. I need some time for some of those ugly experiences to fade a bit before I can consider getting back together with him. In the meantime, my life must go on.
How do I feel? Like my old self again. I feel free. I am full of optimism for my own and my daughters' future. This split is very amicable which I think makes things soooo much easier for our children as well. So far I have no regrets... but every story is different...

Best of luck to you!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:48am

"Am I glad" -- that's a difficult one to answer.

I tried everything I could possibly try to keep my marriage working. My (now ex-)wife simply did not want to be a wife. She just wanted the money. And her boyfriends. And to beat me when I was asleep. And to berate and insult me in public.

I am in a better place now after divorce, but the divorce process is expensive and painful. And it takes a long time.

I am comfortable that I got divorced because I worked so hard to stay married. I do not have any lingering regret "if I only had done ......" .

Counceling helped a lot -- not for the marriage, but for me. My ex-wife never took counceling seriuosly, she wanted it to be a third person/codified method to control me and treat me badly.

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 3:41pm

Thanks wisdom.

Yes, I have expressed all of this to my individual counselor. But I'm still pretty stuck. She cannot tell me what to do.

I do admit I have alot of work to do on myself. I do have trust issues, I left home at 15 yrs. of age and was misused and mistreated an awful lot. I don't trust easily. Once you step on me, it stays with me. I am working like crazy with my counselor but it doesn't seem to help.

My H is truly sorry, I know that. But it took him so long to come around. I will ask him about marriage counseling. Maybe we could try that again for the boys' sake. But BOY am I worn through.

Pages